Dom Joly: A gazebo in the rain is my idea of hell

Share
Related Topics

Finally a night off from touring, and I was very much looking forward to slouching in front of the TV. I'm doing some television reviewing at the moment. This is about as good a job as it gets. You just lie around, watch TV and then slag it off. No need for any creative process, no blood sweat and tears... what a job. It's even better when Stacey walks in and tells me to get up, because I can truthfully tell her I'm working. It makes you wonder why most TV critics seem so unhappy.

I'd just started some "sofa work" when Stacey did come in and tell me to get up. Sadly, in this instance, my pleading to be left alone to work were ignored. Apparently, I'd agreed to attend a "picnic in the park" event at my kids' school. Now I hate events like this on any level (I even loathe Glastonbury), so the possibility that I might enjoy myself was near to zero. I've just never really enjoyed outdoor concerts, full stop. In my experience, they mostly end up with me living like an animal, caked in mud and rummaging through bins for leftover falafel because some hippy has nicked my wallet.

The view is always a nightmare. You may as well sit in your house and put a small photo of your band of choice at the end of your garden and listen to your iPod.Or you could place some speakers in your garden along with a Portaloo. Then, if you found that the thing had got too smelly, or you simply can't be bothered, you could pee into a bottle. This would come in useful if your neighbours put their heads over the fence to complain. Throwing piss over everyone is a way of expressing enjoyment at festivals.

Whatever, this was a three-line whip and there really was no getting away from attending this academic Woodstock. The weather was awful, really awful. It was bucketing down, but fortunately the people we were picnicking with had a gazebo. I say fortunately, in that we at least had a relatively dry space to sit in, but unfortunately we looked like plonkers. We were in a row of gazebos at the back of the concert area. In front of us sat 200 gazebo-less parents huddled under umbrellas in that Blitz-spirit pose so beloved of rain-soaked Brits at events.

For a brief moment I was actually quite pleased to be sitting in a gazebo, but this didn't last long as another family joined us, and it was took a fight not to be squeezed out into the rain. Meanwhile, on stage, a random assortment of entertainment was under way, from visiting jazz bands, student dancers, tribute bands and choirs. Everyone seemed to be really enjoying themselves except me. I was damp, grumpy and miserable. At times like these, the temptation is to take the mickey, but this is always severely frowned upon by Stacey. So I kept quiet but amused myself by imagining three huge electric boxes on the roof of our gazebo, very much in the style of those used on Britain's Got Talent. Every time a new act appeared, I mentally pressed the button and three red crosses lit up on the roof while a large raspberry sound resounded around the grounds. This amused me so much that I started laughing. Stacey looked over: "See, I knew you'd enjoy yourself if you made an effort." I nodded, trying to indicate that she was, as usual, correct. A ballerina hit the stage and my hand made its way secretly to the imaginary button.

Dom Joly appears in Southend on Monday, then Warrington (Wed), Telford (Thurs), Stafford (Fri) and Canterbury (Sat).





React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Sales Administrator - Spanish Speaking

£17000 - £21000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a fantastic opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Administrator - German Speaking

£17000 - £23000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a fantastic opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Administrator - Japanese Speaking

£17000 - £23000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: If you are fluent in Japanese a...

Recruitment Genius: Graphic Designer - Immediate Start

£16000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a fantastic opportunity...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Errors & Omissions: Hang on – that’s not how it’s supposed to be written

Guy Keleny
Rafael Nadal is down and out, beaten by Dustin Brown at Wimbledon – but an era is not thereby ended  

Sad as it is, Rafael Nadal's decline does not mark the end of tennis's golden era

Tom Peck
Is this the future of flying: battery-powered planes made of plastic, and without flight decks?

Is this the future of flying?

Battery-powered planes made of plastic, and without flight decks
Isis are barbarians – but the Caliphate is a dream at the heart of all Muslim traditions

Isis are barbarians

but the Caliphate is an ancient Muslim ideal
The Brink's-Mat curse strikes again: three tons of stolen gold that brought only grief

Curse of Brink's Mat strikes again

Death of John 'Goldfinger' Palmer the latest killing related to 1983 heist
Greece debt crisis: 'The ministers talk to us about miracles' – why Greeks are cynical ahead of the bailout referendum

'The ministers talk to us about miracles'

Why Greeks are cynical ahead of the bailout referendum
Call of the wild: How science is learning to decode the way animals communicate

Call of the wild

How science is learning to decode the way animals communicate
Greece debt crisis: What happened to democracy when it’s a case of 'Vote Yes or else'?

'The economic collapse has happened. What is at risk now is democracy...'

If it doesn’t work in Europe, how is it supposed to work in India or the Middle East, asks Robert Fisk
The science of swearing: What lies behind the use of four-letter words?

The science of swearing

What lies behind the use of four-letter words?
The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: Clive fled from Zimbabwe - now it won't have him back

The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

Clive fled from Zimbabwe - now it won’t have him back
Africa on the menu: Three foodie friends want to popularise dishes from the continent

Africa on the menu

Three foodie friends want to popularise dishes from the hot new continent
Donna Karan is stepping down after 30 years - so who will fill the DKNY creator's boots?

Who will fill Donna Karan's boots?

The designer is stepping down as Chief Designer of DKNY after 30 years. Alexander Fury looks back at the career of 'America's Chanel'
10 best statement lightbulbs

10 best statement lightbulbs

Dare to bare with some out-of-the-ordinary illumination
Wimbledon 2015: Heather Watson - 'I had Serena's poster on my wall – now I'm playing her'

Heather Watson: 'I had Serena's poster on my wall – now I'm playing her'

Briton pumped up for dream meeting with world No 1
Wimbledon 2015: Nick Bollettieri - It's time for big John Isner to produce the goods to go with his thumping serve

Nick Bollettieri's Wimbledon Files

It's time for big John Isner to produce the goods to go with his thumping serve
Dustin Brown: Who is the tennis player who knocked Rafael Nadal out of Wimbeldon 2015?

Dustin Brown

Who is the German player that knocked Nadal out of Wimbeldon 2015?
Ashes 2015: Damien Martyn - 'England are fired up again, just like in 2005...'

Damien Martyn: 'England are fired up again, just like in 2005...'

Australian veteran of that Ashes series, believes the hosts' may become unstoppable if they win the first Test