Great excitement in the village - we have a man loose in the woods who bares his bum at passing walkers. The gentleman concerned chooses vantage points that are high above a couple of the more popular walks down here. When he spots somebody approaching he jumps up and down in an excitable manner and then pulls down his tweed trousers and wiggles his buttocks before running off laughing hysterically. When I was first told of this I couldn't believe it, but there have now been at least 10 sightings and he's become something of a local celebrity. This is deeply disturbing. In this age of instant fame, it could be only a matter of weeks before he starts being invited to open some of the local fêtes, fun-runs and, with Christmas fast approaching, he could even muscle in on the prestigious Christmas lights events.
I can see the posters now: "December 5th, Burford Advent Fair, stalls, games and raffle, special guest - the man who bares his buttocks."
Not only would this bastard clean up down here, but he has an act, a gimmick that makes everyone remember him and want to see it again. Soon he won't get any peace at all. On days off from buttock baring, when he's shopping in Waitrose, he'll be plagued by people shouting "Oi, show us your buttocks!"
I only hope that it won't go to his head. He might end up at a party round Kate Moss's house where he really gets on with Pete Doherty who invites him to record a couple of tracks in their home studio, "just a bit of fun". Doherty might like the tracks so much that he decides to leave Babyshambles and form a new band with the buttock guy called Bumbum. They'd tour the country and our hero could bare his bum at the audience for up to two hours a night when Doherty failed to make the tricky journey from dressing room to stage. Perhaps, eventually, Moss might leave Doherty for buttock boy and they could become the hottest new couple in the world.
I'm furious at all this. Why should a man with no discernible talent suddenly become the hottest property in showbusiness? What kind of country have we become? Is this what my dad and millions like him fought for?
Maybe I'm exaggerating. There doesn't seem to be any proof that this fellow has any aspirations towards this kind of lifestyle. Maybe he holds down a totally normal job. Perhaps he's a milkman or an accountant; although as he bares his backside at odd times of the day, he would need to have a job that allows him some form of flexitime. I don't know why, but the tweed trousers make me think that he's employed. I think that one of the pleasures of just being mental and having no employment is being able to wander around in torn tracksuits. To wear tweed trousers shows a certain obsession with status.
The way I'm going on about this guy you'd be forgiven for thinking that I was becoming slightly obsessed. Far from it, it's just that, with my TV series going out and with me not having that much to do right now, the mind tends to wander off in peculiar directions. I'm sure that everything will start to pick up again soon. Perhaps not until after Christmas? Everyone's always really busy around then. Well, I can never get any meetings with people anyway; they're always chock-a-block. I'm pretty much free right now, with not much to do and available for any meeting that means central heating and a free coffee.
Also I'm a bit down at the moment as Cheltenham has still not rung about me doing the Christmas lights. I'm sure that they've rung, it's just that I wasn't in. They could have left a message. I'm never out for too long. Two or three times a day I put on the old tweed trousers and go for a quick wander over hill and dale. I'm never more than half an hour. Maybe I should get an answering machine? I'm off, I need to stretch my... legs.
'Dom Joly's Happy Hour' is on Sky One on Tuesdays at 9pmReuse content