Dom Joly: And all I said was you should get a nose job, dear

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The Independent Online

A friend of mine is just back from Thailand after a week out there with a couple of girlfriends. She wasn't out there to soak up the sun or go elephant trekking. She went for a "plastic holiday", something that seems to be becoming a bit of a phenomenon. Apparently the cost of plastic surgery is dirt cheap in Thailand and the doctors are top-notch. These particular three girls spent a week being sucked, cut, injected and sewn into shape in time for some big wedding they're all going to.

A friend of mine is just back from Thailand after a week out there with a couple of girlfriends. She wasn't out there to soak up the sun or go elephant trekking. She went for a "plastic holiday", something that seems to be becoming a bit of a phenomenon. Apparently the cost of plastic surgery is dirt cheap in Thailand and the doctors are top-notch. These particular three girls spent a week being sucked, cut, injected and sewn into shape in time for some big wedding they're all going to.

The attraction seems obvious. Why waste your time panting away in a gym for three months when you can get five pints of fat sucked out of your arse in under five minutes? The whole Botox-type operation also seems to be a bit of a no-brainer. Why put up with the wrinkles of a worried bloodhound when you can inject poison into your forehead and end up looking like Anne Robinson? OK, OK, it's not a no-brainer but it does work for some people. Michael Winner looks great.

It shames me to admit that both Stacey and I have been thinking about treating ourselves to a plastic week. We thought we might use the opportunity to sort out those little tiny niggling things that are the only obstacle between us and a perfect relationship. We got a bit drunk and decided that each of us should choose three things that the other half would have to agree to undergo. We were going to keep our choices secret until we got to Thailand. But we both cheated and peeked at each other's lists and, weirdly, it's caused some considerable marital discord. I should have known she'd peek but I thought I'd hidden it in the perfect place - our gym - a place so desolate and unvisited that Lord Lucan was rumoured to have spent a very pleasant couple of months in there last year on his way to the Riviera.

My first option for Stacey was a nose job. She has a very pleasant little button nose but it's just a bit too perfect for my liking. I've always liked a big prominent aquiline nose. I've only realised this since I showed Stacey old pictures of my life and she could always point out which girl was an ex as the nose was almost touching the lens. I'd roughly sketched what I wanted as an end result but admittedly I'm not the greatest artist and, as Stacey pointed out, it probably did look a bit like a ski jump but I'm sure it'll really suit her.

The second thing I'd chosen was to have her left ear stick out while having the other one really pinned back. I find symmetry very 2002 and I think that this will provide quite a talking point when she's out shopping or with friends. I was a bit strapped for cash when it came to the last choice and so had to temper my original design. I wanted her to have lips like Beatrice Dalle, the French actress. Lips that, as Prince once commented, would "make a lollipop too happy". I couldn't afford to have both done so I've paid for her top lip to be done à la Dalle and we'll go back next year to finish it off. Stacey was quite stunned when she saw what I had planned. I think she expected me to go for something clichéd like enormo tits and I probably took her by surprise. She cried for a while but I'm fairly sure that she'll come round in the end and realise what an amazing design I've come up with.

I found her list in her big pant drawer and I'm a bit disappointed with her choices. I suppose she probably found it quite hard to think of three imperfections and just wrote down any old thing. I'm a good sport though and I'll go ahead with what she's gone for not that she'll notice any difference. Get this, she wants 20 pints of fat sucked out of my stomach, all the hair stripped off my back and shoulders, and for me to have some rather frightening-looking penile extension which looks particularly painful. I can't wait to get back home: we've got my parents' wedding anniversary party and I want to surprise them.

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