Dom Joly: Ban darts to make Britain safe

Weird World of Sport: You have got huge drunken Cockneys wandering around throwing deadly pointed weapons

Share
Related Topics

When does a hobby become a sport? News that trainspotters are now being banned from stations as they are a "security threat" is yet another example of the ludicrous extremes that this government will go to remove anything remotely quirky or out of the ordinary from our everyday lives.

I have never "spotted" in my life but do defend the right for any nerd in an anorak to do so to the death. Trainspotting is sport for the un-sporty, for the people who were always last to be picked for the team. As far as I can see it has rules, goals, champions, it takes perseverance in all weathers... It is just as valid a sport as bog snorkelling, orienteering, darts... hang on, darts... that's a proper security threat isn't it?

You have got huge drunken Cockneys wandering around throwing deadly pointed weapons... Somebody call Jacqui Smith and get her to lock these lunatics up in prison until they rot. If they ever got together then they would constitute an armed militia... what, there are darts competitions? Will the same somebody who called Smith also call the armed response unit: this must stop.

I was wondering what other sports could represent a "security threat." Obviously there has been a huge crackdown on shooting events except for posh people who can wander about with shotguns, that's OK but God forbid you want to shoot targets with a pistol; for that you have to go to France – you can do what you want in France.

I am surprised that nobody has had a look at fencing. Here you have people in tights (dodgy enough already) who are essentially trying to stab each other. This doesn't look very good when we're trying to crack down on knife crime does it? Presumably they have to transport these épées and sabres about the place. As far as we know we could be close to a potential musketeer rampage at any time now.

I would suggest that once again we use the French as a solution. Replace weapons of mass destruction with baguettes and we don't have any problems. New Labour, new solutions...

Lawn bowls is also something of a ticking timebomb. Possibly, some of the trainspotters now unable to roam the nation's stations might be tempted by the seemingly cosy surroundings of the local bowls club? Once on the premises they would be easy prey for propaganda propagated by the battalions of grumbling colonels and blue rinses. In a matter of weeks they would be as embittered with the state of modern Britain as the lawn bowlers.

Imbued with this new grumpy radicalism and armed with solid bowling balls and an intimate knowledge of the UK's most depressing train platforms... who knows what damage they could do?

You might think that I'm joking with all this but I'm not– where does it end? Maybe we should ban people from picnicking by rivers? They are gaining valuable knowledge of our inland waterway systems? Someone punting down the Cam on a lazy sunny afternoon could in fact be giving away valuable river flow information to these gingham spies.

Enough is enough. If we are to really clamp down on this creeping terror menace then it is time for action. If the government wants to protect us then they should do the following – outlaw the doddery, squeaky-clean tennis fans who camp outside Wimbledon every year. These people are clearly security risks and seem to be intent on building up some kind of training camp in the heart of Wimbledon village.

Force the Barmy Army to disarm. How can we allow a rogue military outfit to wander about this country's cricket venues chanting incendiary and unintelligible fighting songs? Either this or send them off to Afghanistan and see what they're really made of. I'm pretty sure that the Taliban will surrender fairly sharpish when they hear the rousing tune of "I can't read, I can't write, I must be Australian...." All this however, is fantasy. For the moment it is just the trainspotters left to wander the streets aimlessly. They will inevitably need a new hobby/sport to fill their empty lives. Sadly, I imagine that it's golf that will take up the slack. It's a game that caters for the older player, loves ridiculous, unfashionable clothing and has a myriad of unfathomable rules and practices. This could be a boon for cash-strapped, credit-crunched golf clubs so maybe the government has got it right? Good work, Gordon....

Murray grins and wins the percentage game

Andy Murray claims that if he wins 86 per cent of his first serves he can be No 1 in the world. What is the percentage chance that he might crack a smile if it happens?

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Project Implementation Executive

£18000 - £23000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They work with major vehicle ma...

Recruitment Genius: Chiropractic Assistant

£16500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Chiropractic Assistant is needed in a ...

Recruitment Genius: Digital Account Executive - Midlands

£18000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They work with major vehicle ma...

Recruitment Genius: Web Developer

£28000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company provides coaching ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Errors & Omissions: how to spell BBQ and other linguistic irregularities

Guy Keleny
 

South Africa's race problem is less between black and white than between poor blacks and immigrants from sub-Saharan Africa

John Carlin
NHS struggling to monitor the safety and efficacy of its services outsourced to private providers

Who's monitoring the outsourced NHS services?

A report finds that private firms are not being properly assessed for their quality of care
Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

The Tory MP said he did not want to stand again unless his party's manifesto ruled out a third runway. But he's doing so. Watch this space
How do Greek voters feel about Syriza's backtracking on its anti-austerity pledge?

How do Greeks feel about Syriza?

Five voters from different backgrounds tell us what they expect from Syriza's charismatic leader Alexis Tsipras
From Iraq to Libya and Syria: The wars that come back to haunt us

The wars that come back to haunt us

David Cameron should not escape blame for his role in conflicts that are still raging, argues Patrick Cockburn
Sam Baker and Lauren Laverne: Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

A new website is trying to declutter the internet to help busy women. Holly Williams meets the founders
Heston Blumenthal to cook up a spice odyssey for British astronaut manning the International Space Station

UK's Major Tum to blast off on a spice odyssey

Nothing but the best for British astronaut as chef Heston Blumenthal cooks up his rations
John Harrison's 'longitude' clock sets new record - 300 years on

‘Longitude’ clock sets new record - 300 years on

Greenwich horologists celebrate as it keeps to within a second of real time over a 100-day test
Fears in the US of being outgunned in the vital propaganda wars by Russia, China - and even Isis - have prompted a rethink on overseas broadcasters

Let the propaganda wars begin - again

'Accurate, objective, comprehensive': that was Voice of America's creed, but now its masters want it to promote US policy, reports Rupert Cornwell
Why Japan's incredible long-distance runners will never win the London Marathon

Japan's incredible long-distance runners

Every year, Japanese long-distance runners post some of the world's fastest times – yet, come next weekend, not a single elite competitor from the country will be at the London Marathon
Why does Tom Drury remain the greatest writer you've never heard of?

Tom Drury: The quiet American

His debut was considered one of the finest novels of the past 50 years, and he is every bit the equal of his contemporaries, Jonathan Franzen, Dave Eggers and David Foster Wallace
You should judge a person by how they peel a potato

You should judge a person by how they peel a potato

Dave Hax's domestic tips are reminiscent of George Orwell's tea routine. The world might need revolution, but we like to sweat the small stuff, says DJ Taylor
Beige is back: The drab car colours of the 1970s are proving popular again

Beige to the future

Flares and flounce are back on catwalks but a revival in ’70s car paintjobs was a stack-heeled step too far – until now
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's dishes highlight the delicate essence of fresh cheeses

Bill Granger cooks with fresh cheeses

More delicate on the palate, milder, fresh cheeses can also be kinder to the waistline
Aston Villa vs Liverpool: 'This FA Cup run has been wonderful,' says veteran Shay Given

Shay Given: 'This FA Cup run has been wonderful'

The Villa keeper has been overlooked for a long time and has unhappy memories of the national stadium – but he is savouring his chance to play at Wembley
Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own - Michael Calvin

Michael Calvin's Last Word

Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own