Dom Joly: Blatter's big tent has air-conditioned Qatar covered – almost all welcome

Weird World Of Sport: "The people live in tents, so why not just make the fans do so as well. It would be cheaper and look good for television."
Click to follow
The Independent Online

Ihave long documented my loathing for the game of football and so couldn't help laughing when the World Cup was given to Qatar in 2022. Almost everything that football fans like to do is illegal in this bloated desert state and I can't wait to see how the whole thing turns out. The good news for football fans is that Sepp Blatter is in charge of Fifa and nothing could possibly go wrong with him in charge – he's full of great advice like advising gay fans to "refrain from sexual activity" and suggesting that women footballers should wear shorter shorts if they want more viewers. I managed to listen in to a conversation he had when he and senior Fifa executives were troubleshooting potential problems that might arise in Qatar.

"Hello everybody. Sorry I couldn't be with you all but I am in Monaco recovering from a crazy party with Prince Albert – truly he is a prince among men."

" problem, Mr Blatter."

"Hello, Mr Blatter..."

"We are all here, Mr Blatter..."

"OK then, let's get this started as I have a hot date at the World Music Awards later... miaow... you get me?"

"Yes, sir... so we wanted to talk about some of the issues that might arise in Qatar."

"Oh... OK. So what do we see as the big problems?"

"Well, the main one is drinking alcohol. There are a couple of big hotels that have bars but the locals will not condone public drinking."

"What will happen to fans if they do?"

"At best arrest, at worst maybe rioting and demonstrations of violence against them."

"Well, we always have fighting so no change there..."

"Well, sir, I beg to differ, these demonstrations could be very violent and fans could be badly hurt, it wouldn't look good..."

"Well, then they will have to empty the minibars in their rooms and then stagger to the stadiums. What else?"

"Well, there are basic moral codes that differ with regards to sexuality?"

"You mean gays?"

"Yes, sir, amongst other things."

"I can't believe there are many of them watching football. It is a man's game, for men, with manly long hair and manly diamond earrings... This is not a problem, trust me."

"Errrr yes, but also we were thinking about heterosexual couples maybe displaying too much affection in public – even this would offend the locals."

"Well, I am offended by bearded men wearing long dresses and not allowing me to drink wherever I want, but do you see me complaining?"

"Yes, Mr Blatter, but... this is their country and we have given them the Cup so we can't tell them what to do. Can we move on, please?"

"Yes. I am meeting Rihanna in the Casino Bar for a drink in an hour – she is a lovely girl, very clean."

"Right... Can we talk about accommodation?"

"I am in the penthouse and have a black marble jacuzzi – when it's on it looks like 10 men are farting under water..."

"No, sir, I meant accommodation for the fans in Qatar. Currently there are not enough hotels of an acceptable standard."

"Well, why don't the locals lend them some tents?"

"Tents, sir?"

"Yes, the people live in tents, so why not just make the fans do so as well. It would be cheaper and look good for television."

"Sir, the Qataris do not live in tents, they are a very rich nation... Have you read the briefing document, sir? I think it might be important before you..."

"I don't need to read documents, I know it's going to be very hot there, that's why I ordered them to make their stadiums from ice..."

"You mean air-condition the stadiums?"

"What... whatever... I don't know... I'm not about details, I am about the big picture. You are all boring me now... Amuse me or I will have you flogged."

"OK, sir, I think we should talk about this later... Bye..."