Dom Joly: Bovine ablutions, and other country ways

Share
Related Topics

It's the sheer level of violence that I can't comprehend.

What happened to the cute little kitten that would spend hours obsessed with a tiny piece of string and a stroke under the chin? Dr Pepper is now a fully formed killing machine, intent on sowing mayhem all over the Coln Valley

We acquired a rabbit recently, and Dr Pepper seems to have taken this as some form of personal slight. Rocket, the rabbit, has an outdoor hutch, with one entire side made of Plexiglas so that he can enjoy the sights and sounds of country life – big mistake. Every morning Dr Pepper drags whatever he has killed the night before in front of the rabbit window and proceeds to devour it slowly, savouring every bite.

Poor Rocket, the sweetest of rabbits, cowers in the corner trying not to look. One day, Dr Pepper decided to up the ante. He caught a wild rabbit and decided to decapitate it in front of the Rocket pad. We found the remains the next morning. For several days afterwards, Rocket wouldn't leave his indoor hutch, and who could blame him?

After much consultation, it was decided to get Dr Pepper a bell that he would wear on his collar. The idea of this was to give whatever prey he stalks a warning. I was in two minds about it. On the one hand I don't want poor old Rocket to be traumatised. He is a delicate soul, even for a rabbit, and is currently displaying early symptoms of post-traumatic stress. On the other hand, Dr Pepper is only doing what comes naturally to a cat (admittedly homicidal).

The problem is that I have no idea how the bell is impacting on his social status. Maybe he will be driven to kill even more by the treatment he now gets whenever he goes out. I can just imagine a string of robins sitting on a wall, hurling abuse as he tries to slip past.

"Oi bell-end, not so panther-like now are we, you furry bastard?"

"Who's the wanka' with the bell? Who's the wankaaaaaaa with the bell?"

Poor Pepper is forced to attempt an ambush, but the bell gives him away and the cocky robins simply hop on to a tree branch out of reach.

"Ding-dong, ding dong, it's the cat who's a prat."

"Look at that moron! What a cat-astrophe."

It clearly upsets him, as he has twice managed to get rid of his collar, only for Stacey to get him one with an even bigger bell. It won't be long before he resembles one of those Swiss cows with huge clangers dangling from their dopey necks.

Speaking of cows, the countryside continues to confuse, despite it approaching the 10-year mark since we left the Big Smoke. The field behind our house (the one with the herd of killer cows that Stacey is terrified of) has a curious new addition. We first spotted it about two weeks ago – two huge brushes, one vertical and one horizontal, sit on a metal pole below what looks like a shower gel dispenser. We asked around and were simply told that it was a "cow-washer", by locals who appeared dumbfounded that we'd never seen one before.

It is clearly there for the cows, but we are slightly confused as to how it is used. Once we are all in bed, do the cows line up, washbag in hoof, to clean themselves before falling asleep standing up and hoping that no drunk townies turn up looking to do some cow-tipping?

While we're about it, why are some cows black and white? Is it camouflage? If so, then it's pretty rubbish. Why haven't they evolved an army camo-type look? So many questions ... the countryside is a confusing place and it doesn't seem to get any clearer, however long you stay here.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Volunteer Trustee opportunities now available at The Society for Experimental Biology

Unpaid Voluntary Position : Reach Volunteering: Volunteer your expertise as Tr...

Early Years Educator

£68 - £73 per day + Competitive rates of pay based on experience: Randstad Edu...

Nursery Nurse

£69 - £73 per day + Competitive London rates of pay: Randstad Education Group:...

Primary KS1 NQTs required in Lambeth

£117 - £157 per day + Competitive London rates: Randstad Education Group: * Pr...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Street harrassment: There are some things only a man can explain

Katy Guest
 

Scottish referendum: To the victor, the carping and the criticism

John Rentoul
Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam