Dom Joly: Coming or going? Decisions can be tough when you're spoilt for choice

Weird World Of Sport: "Give us spicy beef, onions, anchovies... actually, scrap that, mate... pineapple, ham and sultanas."
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The Independent Online

What a week it's been if you're a supporter of Manchester United. Wayne Rooney completed the biggest about-face since the French army skedaddled from Agincourt. One moment Alex Ferguson was casting him adrift and Wayne was telling everyone he wanted to move... then... suddenly they're all best friends and Wayne thinks Man Utd is the best thing since Coleen maxed out the credit card.

What has quickly become apparent is that Rooney is not the most decisive of creatures. While the mob were besieging his house, I managed to slip a listening device into his telephone line.

"Hello, Manky's Pizza, how may I help you?"

"Yes, all right? I want two pizzas delivered... actually make that one... no, two."

"OK, sir. Medium, large or crazy heart attack?"

"Eeerrrm... one medium and one large. Actually, no... two medium."

"Ok sir. What toppings?"

"Give us spicy beef, onions, anchovies... actually, scrap that, mate... pineapple, ham and sultanas."

"OK, sir. On both?"

"Both what?"

"Both pizzas."

"What are you on about? I didn't order two pizzas?"

"Yes, sir, you ordered two medium."

"What are you on, fella? I didn't order two pizzas... I ordered one pizza."

"Uuumm... OK, sir, so one medium pizza with pineapple, ham and sultanas..."

"Sultanas? What, you calling me a poof? I never ordered sultanas... who has sultanas on their pizza?"

"Sir, I'm just repeating your order... so no sultanas?"

"Of course not... just beef and onions and hurry up. I'm fooking starving... also, if I chuck you two hundred quid can you bring a pack of Benson... I gotta go, someone on the other line... Hello, Wayne 'ere."

"Yes hi, sir. My name is Darren and I'm ringing from Gusto Kitchens... are you the owner of your home?"

"What? Yes, I presume so... I don't know – Coleen!!! Did we buy this one or not? Right yes, we own this, who are you?"

"Right, sir, as I said my name is Darren and I was wondering whether you've been thinking about getting a new kitchen."

"A what?"

"A new kitchen..."

"Oh right... eeerrrmm... well, there's already one here downstairs."

"Yes, but maybe you are thinking of a new one?"

"Eeerrrm... yeah, maybe – have you got any green ones?"

"You mean eco-friendly?"

"No... I mean green, like it's my favourite colour."

"Ah, right... yes, we have several ranges in green. Perhaps I could arrange a time for a salesman to pop by and show you some catalogues?"

"Pop by where?"

"Pop by your house to show you some catalogues for green kitchens."

"Green kitchen? What kind of nonce would have a green kitchen? I want chrome and wood and... other stuff."

"Of course, sir... you can discuss all this with the salesman when he comes round."

"When is he coming round?"

"We haven't arranged that yet sir. When is convenient for you?"

"When is what convenient for me?"

"The salesman coming round..."

"Nobody is coming to my house... I've got a baying mob outside right now, I haven't got time to start buying shoes."

"Shoes? Nobody is selling... actually... thank you for your time, sir, sorry to bother you."

"That's no bother, pal, I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Uummm, tomorrow?"

"See you laters... there's another call coming in... Hello... where's my pizza?"

"Uuumm, Wayne... it's Sir Alex here... wondering whether we can have a wee chat about things before it all gets out of hand."

"Oh yes, gaffer... no problem... what do you want to talk about?"

"Well, the fact that you're not signing up again with us... I know I went a wee bit over the top in the press conference but I was really angry and very unprofessional. I ask you to forgive me for that."

"Yes... no problem, gaffer."

"Now, Wayne have you signed for any other club or are we still in the game?"

"What game?"

"It's an expression, Wayne. Are you definitely going to move on or is there a way we can work this out and you stay at the club?"

"Ummmm... yes... I mean, no."

"No, we can't work something out or no, you're not moving on definitely?"

"Uuummm, I don't really know – can I ask Coleen?"

"No, Wayne – you are the only person to make this decision and you need to think long and hard."

"Long and hard... hahahhaha... that's funny... long and hard."

"Wayne, this is serious – I need an answer."

"What was the question?"

"Concentrate, Wayne – do you want to stay at the club or not?"

"I don't know... yes... maybe."

"Wayne, do you understand that this is your future here, right?"


"Are you even listening to me?"

"Sorry, gaffer, but the pizza guy is being pummelled by the mob and they've nicked all my pizza."

"Wayne... Listen to me, this is your last chance. Do you want to stay or not?"

"Uuummm... yes... OK... gotta go save the pizza guy... bye, boss."