Dom Joly: Coming or going? Decisions can be tough when you're spoilt for choice

Weird World Of Sport: "Give us spicy beef, onions, anchovies... actually, scrap that, mate... pineapple, ham and sultanas."

Share
Related Topics

What a week it's been if you're a supporter of Manchester United. Wayne Rooney completed the biggest about-face since the French army skedaddled from Agincourt. One moment Alex Ferguson was casting him adrift and Wayne was telling everyone he wanted to move... then... suddenly they're all best friends and Wayne thinks Man Utd is the best thing since Coleen maxed out the credit card.

What has quickly become apparent is that Rooney is not the most decisive of creatures. While the mob were besieging his house, I managed to slip a listening device into his telephone line.

"Hello, Manky's Pizza, how may I help you?"

"Yes, all right? I want two pizzas delivered... actually make that one... no, two."

"OK, sir. Medium, large or crazy heart attack?"

"Eeerrrm... one medium and one large. Actually, no... two medium."

"Ok sir. What toppings?"

"Give us spicy beef, onions, anchovies... actually, scrap that, mate... pineapple, ham and sultanas."

"OK, sir. On both?"

"Both what?"

"Both pizzas."

"What are you on about? I didn't order two pizzas?"

"Yes, sir, you ordered two medium."

"What are you on, fella? I didn't order two pizzas... I ordered one pizza."

"Uuumm... OK, sir, so one medium pizza with pineapple, ham and sultanas..."

"Sultanas? What, you calling me a poof? I never ordered sultanas... who has sultanas on their pizza?"

"Sir, I'm just repeating your order... so no sultanas?"

"Of course not... just beef and onions and hurry up. I'm fooking starving... also, if I chuck you two hundred quid can you bring a pack of Benson... I gotta go, someone on the other line... Hello, Wayne 'ere."

"Yes hi, sir. My name is Darren and I'm ringing from Gusto Kitchens... are you the owner of your home?"

"What? Yes, I presume so... I don't know – Coleen!!! Did we buy this one or not? Right yes, we own this, who are you?"

"Right, sir, as I said my name is Darren and I was wondering whether you've been thinking about getting a new kitchen."

"A what?"

"A new kitchen..."

"Oh right... eeerrrmm... well, there's already one here downstairs."

"Yes, but maybe you are thinking of a new one?"

"Eeerrrm... yeah, maybe – have you got any green ones?"

"You mean eco-friendly?"

"No... I mean green, like it's my favourite colour."

"Ah, right... yes, we have several ranges in green. Perhaps I could arrange a time for a salesman to pop by and show you some catalogues?"

"Pop by where?"

"Pop by your house to show you some catalogues for green kitchens."

"Green kitchen? What kind of nonce would have a green kitchen? I want chrome and wood and... other stuff."

"Of course, sir... you can discuss all this with the salesman when he comes round."

"When is he coming round?"

"We haven't arranged that yet sir. When is convenient for you?"

"When is what convenient for me?"

"The salesman coming round..."

"Nobody is coming to my house... I've got a baying mob outside right now, I haven't got time to start buying shoes."

"Shoes? Nobody is selling... actually... thank you for your time, sir, sorry to bother you."

"That's no bother, pal, I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Uummm, tomorrow?"

"See you laters... there's another call coming in... Hello... where's my pizza?"

"Uuumm, Wayne... it's Sir Alex here... wondering whether we can have a wee chat about things before it all gets out of hand."

"Oh yes, gaffer... no problem... what do you want to talk about?"

"Well, the fact that you're not signing up again with us... I know I went a wee bit over the top in the press conference but I was really angry and very unprofessional. I ask you to forgive me for that."

"Yes... no problem, gaffer."

"Now, Wayne have you signed for any other club or are we still in the game?"

"What game?"

"It's an expression, Wayne. Are you definitely going to move on or is there a way we can work this out and you stay at the club?"

"Ummmm... yes... I mean, no."

"No, we can't work something out or no, you're not moving on definitely?"

"Uuummm, I don't really know – can I ask Coleen?"

"No, Wayne – you are the only person to make this decision and you need to think long and hard."

"Long and hard... hahahhaha... that's funny... long and hard."

"Wayne, this is serious – I need an answer."

"What was the question?"

"Concentrate, Wayne – do you want to stay at the club or not?"

"I don't know... yes... maybe."

"Wayne, do you understand that this is your future here, right?"

"What?"

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Sorry, gaffer, but the pizza guy is being pummelled by the mob and they've nicked all my pizza."

"Wayne... Listen to me, this is your last chance. Do you want to stay or not?"

"Uuummm... yes... OK... gotta go save the pizza guy... bye, boss."

React Now

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Accounts Assistant, Hammersmith

£25000 per annum: Charter Selection: Exciting sports company with a strong bra...

Financial Accountant-IFRS-Gloucester-£300/day

£250 - £295 per day + competitive: Orgtel: Financial Accountant - IFRS - Glouc...

Technical Support Engineer - Central London - £30,000

£28000 - £30000 per annum: Ashdown Group: IT Support Engineer - Central London...

SharePoint/C# Developer - Aberdeen - Circa £40K + benefits

£30000 - £40000 per annum + excellent benefits: Deerfoot IT Resources Limited:...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

The daily catch-up: Neigh-Drama Obama, changing welfare and how to tell if you are a journalist

John Rentoul
 

i Editor's Letter: Only a game? Far from it

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

A future Palestine state will have no borders and be an enclave within Israel, surrounded on all sides by Israeli-held territory, says Robert Fisk
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: The German people demand an end to the fighting

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

The German people demand an end to the fighting
New play by Oscar Wilde's grandson reveals what the Irish wit said at his trials

New play reveals what Oscar Wilde said at trials

For a century, what Wilde actually said at his trials was a mystery. But the recent discovery of shorthand notes changed that. Now his grandson Merlin Holland has turned them into a play
Can scientists save the world's sea life from

Can scientists save our sea life?

By the end of the century, the only living things left in our oceans could be plankton and jellyfish. Alex Renton meets the scientists who are trying to turn the tide
Richard III, Trafalgar Studios, review: Martin Freeman gives highly intelligent performance

Richard III review

Martin Freeman’s psychotic monarch is big on mockery but wanting in malice
Hollywood targets Asian audiences as US films enjoy record-breaking run at Chinese box office

Hollywood targets Asian audiences

The world's second biggest movie market is fast becoming the Hollywood studios' most crucial
Grindr founder Joel Simkhai: 'I've found love on my dating app - and my mum keeps trying to hook me up!'

Grindr founder Joel Simkhai: 'I've found love on my dating app'

Five years on from its launch and Grindr is the world's most popular dating app for gay men. Its founder Joel Simkhai answers his critics, describes his isolation as a child
Autocorrect has its uses but it can go rogue with embarrassing results - so is it time to ditch it?

Is it time to ditch autocorrect?

Matthew J X Malady persuaded friends to message manually instead, but failed to factor in fat fingers and drunk texting
10 best girls' summer dresses

Frock chick: 10 best girls' summer dresses

Get them ready for the holidays with these cool and pretty options 
Westminster’s dark secret: Adultery, homosexuality, sadomasochism and abuse of children were all seemingly lumped together

Westminster’s dark secret

Adultery, homosexuality, sadomasochism and abuse of children were all seemingly lumped together
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: Dulce et decorum est - a life cut short for a poet whose work achieved immortality

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

Dulce et decorum est: a life cut short for a poet whose work achieved immortality
Google tells popular music website to censor album cover art in 'sexually explicit content' ban

Naked censorship?

The strange case of Google, the music website and the nudity take-down requests
Howzat! 8 best cricket bats

Howzat! 8 best cricket bats

As England take on India at Trent Bridge, here is our pick of the high-performing bats to help you up your run-count this summer 
Brazil vs Germany World Cup 2014 comment: David Luiz falls from leader figure to symbol of national humiliation

David Luiz falls from leader figure to symbol of national humiliation

Captain appears to give up as shocking 7-1 World Cup semi-final defeat threatens ramifications in Brazil