Dom Joly: Drop in for my finest crocodile foot and smoky water

Related Topics

I have become totally institutionalised after my time in the Australian jungle and it's taking me quite some time to readjust. I find myself asking permission for everything – my kids look at me in amused disbelief as I ask them whether I can use the loo. At night, I have terrible dreams that involve Gillian McKeith sporting a set of pants made from tarantulas – she is screaming and demanding I wash a spoon so that she can eat some tofu .... I wake up sweating and frightened.

I swung myself out of bed this morning and stumbled towards the loo stark bollock naked. Suddenly, I remembered the cameras and dived back into bed before remembering that I was safe at home. I eat everything very slowly and protect my plates of food if anybody approaches my table. Fellow diners looked on aghast as I fought quite aggressively with a waitress who tried to take my empty bowl of pasta from me before I could lick it clean in my favourite Cirencester restaurant.

I have also become something of a kleptomaniac. In the jungle, we would steal anything we could get our hands on while out of the camp on trials. Most of the stuff was useless, but it gave us a sense of purpose and control. On the day I left camp, I had a cache of five ballpoint pens, a permanent marker, some wire and an empty water bottle hidden in my sleeping bag. Shaun Ryder's last words to anybody leaving the camp were, "Make sure you nick summat' off the bastards."

One day, I was at the very edge of the camp, down in the valley where we collected logs, and spotted a lean-to that normally housed two of the New Zealand SAS soldiers who encircled the camp both to keep us from leaving and to stop paparazzi from entering. There was nobody in the structure and I could see a sandwich, a bottle of cola and a book, just sitting there. My instinctive reaction was to steal it but, just as I approached, I saw a remote camera swing towards me and, fearing punitive repercussions, I scuttled back to base like a rat, empty-handed.

Rats were very much on our minds, as there were several that scampered through camp every day, safe in the knowledge that we were not allowed to catch and eat them after "ratgate" the year before, in which several of the contestants had cooked one. We were under strict orders not to kill anything. This was very annoying, as there were some tempting looking crayfish in the creek and a huge, fat bush turkey that wandered about oblivious to the drool that slid down our faces every time we saw it. We named the turkey Philip, and we became convinced that the producers would make us slaughter and eat it as our final challenge. This really would not have been a problem, which is probably why they opted for kangaroo vagina and roasted tarantula instead. My butcher in Fairford is going to give me some very odd looks the next time I come in – the tastiest things we ate in the jungle were crocodile foot, goat and camel. At my next dinner party, guests are going to be in for quite a treat.

My real speciality is smoky water. We had to boil all the water we drank over the fire and then pour it into the containers. This gave it a sickening taste of woody smoke. It started to make me feel rather ill but I fully expect it to appear as part of the expanding Gillian McKeith food range (available in all cranky old witch aisles). I've had to turn the radio off at home, as that woman seems never to be off the airwaves drowning in her own delusions. It's enough to make you faint.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Technical Author / Multimedia Writer

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: This recognized leader in providing software s...

Recruitment Genius: Clinical Lead / RGN

£40000 - £42000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: IT Sales Consultant

£35000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This IT support company has a n...

Recruitment Genius: Works Engineer

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: A works engineer is required in a progressive ...

Day In a Page

Read Next

An unelectable extremist who hijacked their party has already served as prime minister – her name was Margaret Thatcher

Jacques Peretti

I don't blame parents who move to get their child into a good school

Chris Blackhurst
Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea
Tunisia fears its Arab Spring could be reversed as the new regime becomes as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor

The Arab Spring reversed

Tunisian protesters fear that a new law will whitewash corrupt businessmen and officials, but they are finding that the new regime is becoming as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor
King Arthur: Legendary figure was real and lived most of his life in Strathclyde, academic claims

Academic claims King Arthur was real - and reveals where he lived

Dr Andrew Breeze says the legendary figure did exist – but was a general, not a king
Who is Oliver Bonas and how has he captured middle-class hearts?

Who is Oliver Bonas?

It's the first high-street store to pay its staff the living wage, and it saw out the recession in style
Earth has 'lost more than half its trees' since humans first started cutting them down

Axe-wielding Man fells half the world’s trees – leaving us just 422 each

However, the number of trees may be eight times higher than previously thought
60 years of Scalextric: Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones

60 years of Scalextric

Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones
Theme parks continue to draw in thrill-seekers despite the risks - so why are we so addicted?

Why are we addicted to theme parks?

Now that Banksy has unveiled his own dystopian version, Christopher Beanland considers the ups and downs of our endless quest for amusement
Tourism in Iran: The country will soon be opening up again after years of isolation

Iran is opening up again to tourists

After years of isolation, Iran is reopening its embassies abroad. Soon, there'll be the chance for the adventurous to holiday there
10 best PS4 games

10 best PS4 games

Can’t wait for the new round of blockbusters due out this autumn? We played through last year’s offering
Transfer window: Ten things we learnt

Ten things we learnt from the transfer window

Record-breaking spending shows FFP restraint no longer applies
Migrant crisis: UN official Philippe Douste-Blazy reveals the harrowing sights he encountered among refugees arriving on Lampedusa

‘Can we really just turn away?’

Dead bodies, men drowning, women miscarrying – a senior UN figure on the horrors he has witnessed among migrants arriving on Lampedusa, and urges politicians not to underestimate our caring nature
Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger as Isis ravages centuries of history

Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger...

... and not just because of Isis vandalism
Girl on a Plane: An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack

Girl on a Plane

An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack
Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

The author of 'The Day of the Jackal' has revealed he spied for MI6 while a foreign correspondent