Dom Joly: Fancy that – Kate and Will have gone where family is all

Share
+More
Related Topics

My wife being Canadian, I am incredibly pro-Canuck and spend every August there. So I hope the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge enjoy their first royal tour together – and this advice for them and all travellers to Canada.

First off, Canadians are very chippy about the US, so always compare the place favourably to their more populous southern neighbour. If possible, stick a Canadian flag to every available surface of your luggage. Like Kiwis with Australians, you in no way wish to be confused for an American. If somebody mentions that Canada is a little like Ned Flanders to the US's Simpsons, do not laugh (even though this is broadly true). Do not, under any circumstances, inquire why almost every large city in Canada is less than an hour away from the US border – this is a coincidence. The huge "rest" of the country (about twice the size of Europe) is very nice ... but you probably won't go there.

If you do, it will be to go "cottaging". Should such an invitation arise, do not be unduly alarmed: most Canadians have a "cottage" somewhere in the vast northern hinterland. This can range from a small wooden cabin to Kennedyesque compounds. Canadians come from hardy stock and they love to remember this by spending weekends and holidays up at "the cottage". This is normally beside one of their millions of beautiful lakes, so your royal baggage will have to include canoes, marshmallow roasting equipment, a large floating trampoline and an ice-hockey stick ... just in case the weather changes. We all think of Canada as a freezing place, but Toronto is on the same latitude as St Tropez and it gets boiling in the summer – however, you should always have a hockey stick, just in case.

When conversing with Canadians, be especially polite about Scotland, as most of them claim to come from there. They are always keen to know more about their clan. I have little real knowledge of this so I tend to make stuff up when asked. Whether it be a McDougall, a Wallace or a Campbell, just tell them their particular clan were the meanest, toughest bunch in the Highlands and they walk away happy.

You might also be surprised to find Canadians ending every sentence with the word "eh?", as though constantly asking a question. They do this even when answering one of yours. I find it best simply to ignore what is purely a Canadian vocal tic.

At some stage, you will be asked to sample the local street "delicacy" – poutine. This is essentially "chips with gravy" plus some weird white cheese curd mixed in. It will be no different from your time in St Andrews, when you probably hit the chippy after a big night. Most Canadians are embarrassed by poutine, even though it's actually really good. Be very positive about it and this will make them feel better.

You will not be allowed to leave the country without a visit to Tim Hortons, a national chain where you will sample some awful coffee and a box of Timbits (basically, tiny doughnuts). Most Canadians were raised in a Tim Hortons, so be especially polite about it.

Above all, enjoy the place. It is incredibly special. It has the most beautiful scenery in the world, friendly people, a wonderful feeling of space and calm. Canada is a country that becomes more and more attractive: the older you get, the more it makes sense. It's where smart kids are cool, beavers are king, and family is everything. I hope you love it as much as I do.





React Now

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

PHP/ Drupal Developer - £35k - WC

£30000 - £40000 per annum + BENS: Progressive Recruitment: Drupal Developer A ...

C# WEB DEVELOPER

£45000 - £50000 per annum + bens: Progressive Recruitment: C# WEB DEVELOPER Le...

WPF Developer (C#, VB.Net) - North East - 6 Months

£240 - £260 per day: Progressive Recruitment: WPF Developer (C#, VB.Net) North...

KS2 PPA teacher

£85 - £120 per day: Randstad Education Cheshire: KS2 teacher needed to do PPA ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
An auctioneer receives bids for Gerhard Richter's work 'Abstraktes Bild' during the Sotheby's London Evening Sale of Contemporary Art held at Sotheby's, New Bond Street, London.  

Arts funding is going, going – and if we don't think of alternatives, it will soon be gone

David Lister
 

Here is the perfect illustration of how a picture can change a book for you

Tom Sutcliffe
The price of pacifism: Refusing to go to war is finally being recognised as a brave act

The price of pacifism

From the Second World War refusenik to the 19-year-old Israeli, Holly Williams talks to five people who risked shame and suffering to take a stand as conscientious objector.
'It was mass hysteria': Jason Isaacs on groupies, theatre bores and snogging James Bond

Jason Isaacs: Groupies, theatre bores and James Bond

To millions, Jason Isaacs is one of Harry Potter's arch enemies – but his wife prefers him as a Scottish TV detective.
Notes from a small island: Is Sealand an independent 'micronation' or an illegal fortress?

Sealand: 'Micronation' or illegal fortress?

Thomas Hodgkinson spent a week at the tiny platform off the Suffolk coast to find out.
Not a bad bone: Mark Hix cooks with cutlets and ribs

Mark Hix cooks with cutlets and ribs

If you ignore cutlets and ribs, you'll risk missing out on some delicious and easy meals, says our chef.
Sir James Dyson’s latest project: Cleaning up hospitals

Sir James Dyson’s latest project: Cleaning up hospitals

Doctors are hailing the revamp of a Bath neonatal unit, where babies sleep more and feed better, as the model for patient care
One man returns to Argentina's town that drowned

One man returns to Argentina's town that drowned

Epecuen was submerged under 10 metres of water in 1985. Now the floods have gone – and 83-year-old Pablo Novak has moved back in
The real thing? Historian publishes Coca Cola's 'secret formula'

The real thing?

Historian publishes Coca Cola's 'secret formula'
Gordon Ramsey's worst nightmare: A restaurant he cannot save

Gordon Ramsay's worst nightmare: A restaurant he cannot save

The pugnacious chef finally met a shambolic restaurant he couldn't save. John Walsh on when TV makover refuseniks fight back
Join Ryanair! See the world! But we're only paying you for nine months a year

Join Ryanair! See the world! But we're only paying you for nine months a year

Glamorous myth of the flight attendant lifestyle undermined by angry employee's claims of 'exploitation'
Braising saddles: Did the recent furore scupper sales of horse meat? Neigh, far from it!

Braising saddles: How to cook horse meat

Did the recent furore scupper sales of horse meat? Neigh, far from it! Will Coldwell hoofs it to the kitchen.
Why bitters are back on the bar: A few little drops pack a big punch in cocktails

Why bitters are back on the bar

A few little drops pack a big punch in cocktails. No wonder we're learning to love them again...
The 10 Best barbecues

The 10 Best barbecues

Whether you're cooking on gas or are a convert to charcoal we've got the perfect way to cook when the sun is out.
Style icon David Beckham calls time on his long retirement

Style icon calls time on his long retirement

David Beckham never disgraced himself but former England captain ceased to be a major player years ago. Remember him at his United peak
Steve Harper: My darkest times

Steve Harper: My darkest times

As the popular Newcastle goalkeeper bows out after 20 years at the club, he tells Martin Hardy about the private battle with depression that threatened his career
Sir Torquil Norman has designed a flat-pack OX truck for the developing world

The flat-pack truck with big ambitions

After making a fortune from Polly Pocket and a doll's house shaped like a teapot, the entrepreneur has turned his creativity to a transporter truck for the developing world. Simon Usborne meets him.