Dom Joly: Fit? Me? I'm like a pot-bellied pig with a punchbag

Share
Related Topics

Trying to get fit is not as simple an affair as I would have thought. I've been here before, of course – keen visits to the local gym, multiple purchasing of revolting sportswear and then, three weeks in, I get bored, the visits tail off and the sportswear joins the collection abandoned in the bottom drawer.

Last time, we even turned one of our outbuildings into a gym, to try to stop us making the excuse that it was "too far" to drive three miles into Cirencester.

All that happened was that we decked our gym out with a water-cooler, machines, mats – even a telly on a bracket. Then, nothing. The distance across the courtyard between our front door and the gym might as well have been as formidable as the Grand Canyon. Our gym would just sit there taunting us when we slunk past it on our way out somewhere unhealthy. At night, I swear that I would sometimes hear it chanting: "Loser, loser, who's the big, fat loser?"

On the other hand, that might have been any of my neighbours, so I mustn't be quick to accuse. I was moaning away to a friend about my worries, over some fish and chips and three bottles of wine. He looked at me in that slightly smug way in which friends often look at me and said, "I've got just the guy for you."

So this was how I came to meet my new personal trainer, a person to whom we pay a vast amount of money simply to force us into our own gym. It does work, but it's probably not the most financially sound option.

The problem with personal trainers is that they all have their own theories about how you get fit and, whatever you have done before is always "rubbish" or "outdated scientific thinking". It's a bit like going to see several doctors for the same complaint: they will all have their preferred methods for curing the grape nuts on your bottom. Just as when you take the car to the garage, you have no way of working out who is right and who is wrong.

Our new trainer is a mixed martial arts fighter and believes in "kicking arse" (best said in a Zimbabwean accent). For the past week, I have kicked and punched more things than Ross Kemp on an angry bender. I hurt everywhere, which is weird, considering that I'm the one attacking inanimate objects.

My trainer whispers things about what my body is doing as he tortures me: "The core is fighting back. Your abs are arguing with your triceps. Your body is producing growth hormones." Supposedly, the growth hormone is a good thing, and he assures me that I won't bulk up into Hulk Hogan proportions.

It turns out that this particular hormone is available to inject, if you know the right person. This is supposed to be the drug of choice for many professional sportsmen as well as several well-known Hollywood action heroes who have been arrested with bags of the stuff in their luggage.

I'm going to do things the natural way, although there is nothing "natural" about the sight of me in tight shorts kicking the crap out of a punchbag while sweating like a pot-bellied pig. I'm starting to smell a punch-yourself-fit Christmas fitness DVD coming on. I'm sure it'll be available in all good joke shops soon.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Subsea Cables Installation Project Manager

£50000 - £60000 Per Annum: The Green Recruitment Company: The Green Recruitmen...

Subsea Cables Installation Project Manager

£50000 - £60000 Per Annum: The Green Recruitment Company: The Green Recruitmen...

Head of Offshore Operations & Interfaces

£60000 - £70000 Per Annum: The Green Recruitment Company: The Green Recruitmen...

Offshore Engineering Design Manager

£50000 - £60000 Per Annum: The Green Recruitment Company: The Green Recruitmen...

Day In a Page

Abd Mubin Rahim of Malaysia falls to the floor after an unsuccessful lift during the Men's Weightlifting  

Usain Bolt was right about the Commonwealth Games, but we shouldn't blame the organisers

Teddy Cutler
Dress the Gaza situation up all you like, but the truth hurts

Robert Fisk on Gaza conflict

Dress the situation up all you like, but the truth hurts
Save the tiger: Tiger, tiger burning less brightly as numbers plummet

Tiger, tiger burning less brightly

When William Blake wrote his famous poem there were probably more than 100,000 tigers in the wild. These days they probably number around 3,200
5 News's Andy Bell retraces his grandfather's steps on the First World War battlefields

In grandfather's footsteps

5 News's political editor Andy Bell only knows his grandfather from the compelling diary he kept during WWI. But when he returned to the killing fields where Edwin Vaughan suffered so much, his ancestor came to life
Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart reveals she has flying robot ... to take photos of her farm

Martha Stewart has flying robot

The lifestyle guru used the drone to get a bird's eye view her 153-acre farm in Bedford, New York
Former Labour minister Meg Hillier has demanded 'pootling lanes' for women cyclists

Do women cyclists need 'pootling lanes'?

Simon Usborne (who's more of a hurtler) explains why winning the space race is key to happy riding
A tale of two presidents: George W Bush downs his paintbrush to pen father’s life story

A tale of two presidents

George W Bush downs his paintbrush to pen father’s life story
Restaurateur Mitch Tonks has given the Great Western Pullman dining car a makeover

The dining car makes a comeback

Restaurateur Mitch Tonks has given the Great Western Pullman dining car a makeover
Gallery rage: How are institutions tackling the discomfort of overcrowding this summer?

Gallery rage

How are institutions tackling the discomfort of overcrowding this summer?
Louis van Gaal has £500,000 video surveillance system installed to monitor Manchester United players

Eye on the prize

Louis van Gaal has £500,000 video surveillance system installed to monitor Manchester United players
Women's rugby: Tamara Taylor adds fuel to the ire in quest to land World Cup

Women's rugby

Tamara Taylor adds fuel to the ire in quest to land World Cup
Save the tiger: The day America’s love of backyard tigers led to a horrific bloodbath

The day America’s love of backyard tigers led to a horrific bloodbath

With only six per cent of the US population of these amazing big cats held in zoos, the Zanesville incident in 2011 was inevitable
Samuel Beckett's biographer reveals secrets of the writer's time as a French Resistance spy

How Samuel Beckett became a French Resistance spy

As this year's Samuel Beckett festival opens in Enniskillen, James Knowlson, recalls how the Irish writer risked his life for liberty and narrowly escaped capture by the Gestapo
We will remember them: relatives still honour those who fought in the Great War

We will remember them

Relatives still honour those who fought in the Great War
Star Wars Episode VII is being shot on film - and now Kodak is launching a last-ditch bid to keep celluloid alive

Kodak's last-ditch bid to keep celluloid alive

Director J J Abrams and a few digital refuseniks shoot movies on film. Simon Usborne wonders what the fuss is about
Once stilted and melodramatic, Hollywood is giving acting in video games a makeover

Acting in video games gets a makeover

David Crookes meets two of the genre's most popular voices