Dom Joly: Forget Delhi belly, but watch out for snakes and tigers in the athletes' village

Weird World of Sport: 'I'm on the fourth floor of Block B and there is what I think is a large tiger walking up and down the balcony outside our rooms'

Share
Related Topics

This week the Commonwealth Games emergency call centre has been flooded with even more desperate calls for assistance from competitors. Since they arrived in the Indian capital they have been faced with problems that are not normally to be found in sporting events such as these around the world.

"Hello, Commonwealth Games Assistance Line, how may I help you today?"

"Hi... I need help in my room right now..."

"OK, sir, I'm sure we can be of assistance to you – what is the nature of your concern?"

"The nature of my concern is that THERE IS A BLOODY HUGE SNAKE IN MY BEDROOM..."

"OK, sir, firstly may I apologise for any inconvenience caused by this incident. Before I dispatch someone to deal with this problem, may I ask you a couple of questions to help me ascertain the threat level from said snake?"

"What? Yes... hurry please..."

"OK, sir – what is the colour of the snake?"

"Uuummm, it's a sort of browny black..."

"Brown or black, sir?"

"A mixture... I don't know..."

"Are there any markings on the snake?"

"WHAT? It's raising its head up in the air and it's fixing me with green eyes... I'm trapped here, please send someone as soon as possible..."

"I will soon be in a position to do so, sir... how long is the snake approximately?"

"About two metres... it's bloody huge... it's swaying from side to side now and the tongue is flickering..."

"OK, sir, I think you have an Indian cobra in your room – I shall be sending someone out as soon as possible."

"Is it... poisonous?"

"Oh yes, sir... it's in the big four... one bite and you're on your way to reincarnation..."

"Well... what should I do in the meantime?"

"Do not maintain eye contact – actually, my mother always used to say that if you sang to a snake then it would be soothed, you could try that."

"Sing? OK, but please hurry..."

"Thank you for calling, sir. Hello, line two, can I help you?"

"Yes, hi... I've just arrived and checked into my room..."

"Excellent, sir, welcome to India, did you have a nice flight?"

"Yes... fine thank you. It's just that when I got into my room, there appears to be a family living in my bathroom."

"Sir, you have only reserved this room for one person – if you have extra people staying there then there will be an additional charge to your organisation..."

"It's not my family – I don't know them at all, they have put a makeshift tent over the bathroom and are very polite – however, the situation is not ideal. They are saying that they had to move so that somebody called Karl Pilkington could move into their room as he was unhappy with where he was originally staying because it was smelly. Does any of this make any sense to you?"

"Sir... I am very busy here – does your family need another room?"

"They're not my family – I have never met them before..."

"Sir, I have another call, I must go. I apologise sir... Hello, line three, how can I help you?"

"Hello, there's a guy in the next room to me who has started singing really loudly and he's driving me insane..."

"OK... that gentleman is just trying to calm down a cobra – please be patient sir and he will soon stop one way or another... line four..."

"Hello... I'm on the fourth floor of Block B and there is what I think is a large tiger walking up and down the balcony outside our rooms – there are five of us here and we need to get to training, but obviously we have a problem doing that."

"OK, sir, I apologise for this inconvenience – our animal man is handling a snake problem right now so you can either wait for him or deal with the matter on your own."

"How on earth can we deal with a tiger?"

"My father believed in distraction. If you can go into your minibar, you should find some nuts – throw the nuts out and the tiger will eat them – while he is doing so you can slip out..."

"My friend has just opened the minibar and it just has two empty cans of paint in there... the tiger is now scratching on the door – we would really appreciate some help here..."

"Sir... I can only apologise for the emptiness of your minibar – I once saw a movie in which a gentleman managed to keep a lion away from himself with the use of a chair. If there is a chair in the room and the matter is urgent, I suggest you use this method to get to training and we should have it sorted out by the time you return to your room. I realise that this is not ideal and can only apologise, namaste..."

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Photographer / Floorplanner / Domestic Energy Assessor

£16000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Photographer/ Floor planner /...

Ashdown Group: Front-End Developer - Surrey - £40,000

£30000 - £40000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Front-End Developer - Guildford/Craw...

Recruitment Genius: Customer Service Assistant

£13500 - £15000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Customer Service Assistant is...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Executive - OTE £35,000

£16000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An ambitious and motivated Sale...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Letter from the Whitehall Editor: The spurious Tory endorsement that misfired

Oliver Wright
 

General Election 2015: Ed Miliband hasn’t ‘suddenly’ become a robust leader. He always was

Steve Richards
Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

How a costume drama became a Sunday night staple
Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers as he pushes Tories on housing

Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers

Labour leader pushes Tories on housing
Aviation history is littered with grand failures - from the the Bristol Brabazon to Concorde - but what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?

Aviation history is littered with grand failures

But what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?
Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of Soviet-style 'iron curtains' right across Europe

Fortress Europe?

Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of 'iron curtains'
Never mind what you're wearing, it's what you're reclining on

Never mind what you're wearing

It's what you're reclining on that matters
General Election 2015: Chuka Umunna on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband

Chuka Umunna: A virus of racism runs through Ukip

The shadow business secretary on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband
Yemen crisis: This exotic war will soon become Europe's problem

Yemen's exotic war will soon affect Europe

Terrorism and boatloads of desperate migrants will be the outcome of the Saudi air campaign, says Patrick Cockburn
Marginal Streets project aims to document voters in the run-up to the General Election

Marginal Streets project documents voters

Independent photographers Joseph Fox and Orlando Gili are uploading two portraits of constituents to their website for each day of the campaign
Game of Thrones: Visit the real-life kingdom of Westeros to see where violent history ends and telly tourism begins

The real-life kingdom of Westeros

Is there something a little uncomfortable about Game of Thrones shooting in Northern Ireland?
How to survive a social-media mauling, by the tough women of Twitter

How to survive a Twitter mauling

Mary Beard, Caroline Criado-Perez, Louise Mensch, Bunny La Roche and Courtney Barrasford reveal how to trounce the trolls
Gallipoli centenary: At dawn, the young remember the young who perished in one of the First World War's bloodiest battles

At dawn, the young remember the young

A century ago, soldiers of the Empire – many no more than boys – spilt on to Gallipoli’s beaches. On this 100th Anzac Day, there are personal, poetic tributes to their sacrifice
Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves

Follow the money as never before

Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves, reports Rupert Cornwell
Samuel West interview: The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents

Samuel West interview

The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents
General Election 2015: Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Fashion editor, Alexander Fury, on what the leaders' appearances tell us about them
Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

The architect of the HeForShe movement and head of UN Women on the world's failure to combat domestic violence