Dom Joly: Forget Delhi belly, but watch out for snakes and tigers in the athletes' village

Weird World of Sport: 'I'm on the fourth floor of Block B and there is what I think is a large tiger walking up and down the balcony outside our rooms'

Related Topics

This week the Commonwealth Games emergency call centre has been flooded with even more desperate calls for assistance from competitors. Since they arrived in the Indian capital they have been faced with problems that are not normally to be found in sporting events such as these around the world.

"Hello, Commonwealth Games Assistance Line, how may I help you today?"

"Hi... I need help in my room right now..."

"OK, sir, I'm sure we can be of assistance to you – what is the nature of your concern?"

"The nature of my concern is that THERE IS A BLOODY HUGE SNAKE IN MY BEDROOM..."

"OK, sir, firstly may I apologise for any inconvenience caused by this incident. Before I dispatch someone to deal with this problem, may I ask you a couple of questions to help me ascertain the threat level from said snake?"

"What? Yes... hurry please..."

"OK, sir – what is the colour of the snake?"

"Uuummm, it's a sort of browny black..."

"Brown or black, sir?"

"A mixture... I don't know..."

"Are there any markings on the snake?"

"WHAT? It's raising its head up in the air and it's fixing me with green eyes... I'm trapped here, please send someone as soon as possible..."

"I will soon be in a position to do so, sir... how long is the snake approximately?"

"About two metres... it's bloody huge... it's swaying from side to side now and the tongue is flickering..."

"OK, sir, I think you have an Indian cobra in your room – I shall be sending someone out as soon as possible."

"Is it... poisonous?"

"Oh yes, sir... it's in the big four... one bite and you're on your way to reincarnation..."

"Well... what should I do in the meantime?"

"Do not maintain eye contact – actually, my mother always used to say that if you sang to a snake then it would be soothed, you could try that."

"Sing? OK, but please hurry..."

"Thank you for calling, sir. Hello, line two, can I help you?"

"Yes, hi... I've just arrived and checked into my room..."

"Excellent, sir, welcome to India, did you have a nice flight?"

"Yes... fine thank you. It's just that when I got into my room, there appears to be a family living in my bathroom."

"Sir, you have only reserved this room for one person – if you have extra people staying there then there will be an additional charge to your organisation..."

"It's not my family – I don't know them at all, they have put a makeshift tent over the bathroom and are very polite – however, the situation is not ideal. They are saying that they had to move so that somebody called Karl Pilkington could move into their room as he was unhappy with where he was originally staying because it was smelly. Does any of this make any sense to you?"

"Sir... I am very busy here – does your family need another room?"

"They're not my family – I have never met them before..."

"Sir, I have another call, I must go. I apologise sir... Hello, line three, how can I help you?"

"Hello, there's a guy in the next room to me who has started singing really loudly and he's driving me insane..."

"OK... that gentleman is just trying to calm down a cobra – please be patient sir and he will soon stop one way or another... line four..."

"Hello... I'm on the fourth floor of Block B and there is what I think is a large tiger walking up and down the balcony outside our rooms – there are five of us here and we need to get to training, but obviously we have a problem doing that."

"OK, sir, I apologise for this inconvenience – our animal man is handling a snake problem right now so you can either wait for him or deal with the matter on your own."

"How on earth can we deal with a tiger?"

"My father believed in distraction. If you can go into your minibar, you should find some nuts – throw the nuts out and the tiger will eat them – while he is doing so you can slip out..."

"My friend has just opened the minibar and it just has two empty cans of paint in there... the tiger is now scratching on the door – we would really appreciate some help here..."

"Sir... I can only apologise for the emptiness of your minibar – I once saw a movie in which a gentleman managed to keep a lion away from himself with the use of a chair. If there is a chair in the room and the matter is urgent, I suggest you use this method to get to training and we should have it sorted out by the time you return to your room. I realise that this is not ideal and can only apologise, namaste..."

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Marketing Manager - Leicestershire - £35,000

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Marketing Manager (CIM, B2B, MS Offi...

Marketing Executive (B2B and B2C) - Rugby, Warwickshire

£22000 - £25000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A highly successful organisation wit...

SEN Coordinator + Teacher (SENCO)

£1 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: Job Purpose To work closely with the he...

Research Manager - Quantitative/Qualitative

£32000 - £42000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client is curr...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Piper Ryan Randall leads a pro-Scottish independence rally in the suburbs of Edinburgh  

i Editor's Letter: Britain survives, but change is afoot

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
Some believe that David Cameron is to blame for allowing Alex Salmond a referendum  

Scottish referendum: So how about the English now being given a chance to split from England?

Mark Steel
Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam