Dom Joly: Formidable! Drunk surfing can claim a certain je ne sais quoi

Share
Related Topics

It was back to the beach for me this week. As my extended French exile (sorry, holiday) rolled on inexorably, I was forced to find things to take up my time. Having seen a sign for surfing lessons on the only road that winds its way down towards Cap Ferret, I decided to go for it and gave the number a call, with mixed results.

"Allo Oui?"

"Ah, hello...bonjour...do you do surfing lessons?"

"Comment?"

"Uuhmm...Je voudrais apprendre a...surfer..."

"Vous etes Anglais?"

"Oui..."

"I speek Engleesh, dood. I spent two years in Newquay...Cornwall is gnarly..."

"Oh...really...is it? Good...so the surfing lessons?"

"Yeah...totally...no problem dood...'ow much surfing have you done already?"

"uhhhmmm, nearly none.."

"'Ow much?"

"None."

"None? Zero? Nada? Holy shoot... 'ow old are you my friend?"

"Uuhhmmm forty...ish..."

"FORTY???? Holy shoot grand-pere – eez a bit late to start wiz ze surfing now."

"Yes, you're probably right...sorry for troubling you..."

"Wait, wait mon ami. I am only pulling your foot...it does not matter what age you are, you can surf at any age...you can swim I take it?"

"Yes, yes, I'm a very good swimmer – I still hold the record for my school 25-metre freestyle as it happens..."

"I'm sorry my friend...you are forty years old but you are still at school?"

"No...I still hold the record from when I was at school..."

"OK...formidable...I presume that you do not have a board?"

"No."

"A wetsuit?"

"No."

Swimming pants...don't worry I am pulling your foot again....unless you are nudiste?"

"No...definitely not a nudist..."

"I am a nudiste..."

"Right...so...do you teach non-nudists?"

"HA HA, you English are so easy to mess with – I am not nudiste, except with my woman..."

"Great...so how do we do this, where do the lessons happen and how long, how much etc?"

"OK, so we do two lesson out of ze water – we can do zem on the beach or in my garden, whatever you prefer?"

"I think the beach sounds good."

"OK so we do ze beach – you can run around with your board – ze women go crazy for zees..."

"Good...excellent...my wife will be thrilled..."

"I would like to meet your wife, will she be coming for a lesson?"

"No....most definitely not..."

"I can do two lessons for the price of one, it is good value..."

"She...she doesn't have any legs..."

"Merde...holy shoot...maybe not zen...just you I think..."

"Yes...probably for the best. Now when do I actually get on the water? I'm here for two more weeks, will I be able to be surfing by then?"

"Yes, mon ami – you will be like Hawaii Cinq Zero. I am ze best teacher in all of France."

"So I will be surfing, of a kind, after the first two beach lessons?"

"Well...oui...you will be falling off your board a lot for a while but once you catch your first Atlantic roller, you will be like an orgasm."

"Right...well that sounds really great..."

"You bet your life my friend, the ocean ees like a woman, a big sexy, wet woman and you are the master of her when you are on ze board..."

"Great...where are you based...where shall we meet?"

"I am not based anywhere – the beach ees my office and the sea is my secretary, who I am making love to on a regular basis..."

"Brilliant...where shall we meet then?"

"When do you wish to commence operations?"

"Well...whenever...now?"

"NOW!!! I love your enthusiasm mon ami. OK, meet me in ze bar on ze corner of ze Avenue de Semaphore...eet ees called Le Grand Cornichon..."

"Sure...what time will you be there?"

"I do not understand you mon ami...what time?"

"What time will you be at the bar...Le Grand Cornichon?"

"I am here right now...I have been drinking here since nine o'clock ziz morning. I am lamenting the departure of a woman from my life..."

"Oh...right...well, maybe today isn't the best time to start this sort of thing, then? I mean, we can't surf drunk can we? Even dry surfing on a beach..."

"What are you talking about? I have never surfed sober in my whole life? Are you fucking with me?"

"No...no, not at all...definitely not...fucking with you...only I would feel safer doing this sort of thing not under the influence of alcohol."

"Are you serious? Are you a lover of men?"

"What? No...what does that matter? I don't want to surf drunk, or be taught by someone who is drunk."

"Zen you have come to the wrong person my friend..."

"Yes...I think I have...goodbye..."

Back to the boogie board for me for the moment.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Langley James : Field Support Engineer; Dynamics, SQL; Manchester, £33k+Car

£33000 - £36000 per annum + Car+Laptop+Phone: Langley James : Field Support En...

Recruitment Genius: Production Planning MRP Manager

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: One of the UK's most progressive and innovativ...

Recruitment Genius: Financial Sales Executives

£19000 - £24000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Due to our clients continuing s...

Recruitment Genius: Tyre Technician / Mechanic

£15000 - £16800 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Tyre Technician / Mechanic is...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Keira Knightley and Benedict Cumberbatch star in the Alan Turing biopic The Imitation Game  

Manchester was ahead of the pack in honouring Alan Turing

Simon Kelner
The scene in Tesco in Edmonton, north London  

Black Friday is a reminder that shops want your money, no matter how human they appear in their Christmas adverts

Jessica Brown Jessica Brown
Homeless Veterans Christmas Appeal: ‘We give them hope. They come to us when no one else can help’

Christmas Appeal

Meet the charity giving homeless veterans hope – and who they turn to when no one else can help
Should doctors and patients learn to plan humane, happier endings rather than trying to prolong life?

Is it always right to try to prolong life?

Most of us would prefer to die in our own beds, with our families beside us. But, as a GP, Margaret McCartney sees too many end their days in a medicalised battle
Thomas Cook's outgoing boss Harriet Green got by on four hours sleep a night - is that what it takes for women to get to the top?

What does it take for women to get to the top?

Thomas Cook's outgoing boss Harriet Green got by on four hours sleep a night and told women they had to do more if they wanted to get on
Christmas jumper craze: Inside the UK factory behind this year's multicultural must-have

Knitting pretty: British Christmas Jumpers

Simmy Richman visits Jack Masters, the company behind this year's multicultural must-have
French chefs have launched a campaign to end violence in kitchens - should British restaurants follow suit?

French chefs campaign against bullying

A group of top chefs signed a manifesto against violence in kitchens following the sacking of a chef at a Paris restaurant for scalding his kitchen assistant with a white-hot spoon
Radio 4 to broadcast 10-hour War and Peace on New Year's Day as Controller warns of cuts

Just what you need on a New Year hangover...

Radio 4 to broadcast 10-hour adaptation of War and Peace on first day of 2015
Cuba set to stage its first US musical in 50 years

Cuba to stage first US musical in 50 years

Claire Allfree finds out if the new production of Rent will hit the right note in Havana
Christmas 2014: 10 best educational toys

Learn and play: 10 best educational toys

Of course you want them to have fun, but even better if they can learn at the same time
Paul Scholes column: I like Brendan Rodgers as a manager but Liverpool seem to be going backwards not forwards this season

Paul Scholes column

I like Brendan Rodgers as a manager but Liverpool seem to be going backwards not forwards this season
Lewis Moody column: Stuart Lancaster has made all the right calls – now England must deliver

Lewis Moody: Lancaster has made all the right calls – now England must deliver

So what must the red-rose do differently? They have to take the points on offer 
Cameron, Miliband and Clegg join forces for Homeless Veterans campaign

Cameron, Miliband and Clegg join forces for Homeless Veterans campaign

It's in all our interests to look after servicemen and women who fall on hard times, say party leaders
Millionaire Sol Campbell wades into wealthy backlash against Labour's mansion tax

Sol Campbell cries foul at Labour's mansion tax

The former England defender joins Myleene Klass, Griff Rhys Jones and Melvyn Bragg in criticising proposals
Nicolas Sarkozy returns: The ex-President is preparing to fight for the leadership of France's main opposition party – but will he win big enough?

Sarkozy returns

The ex-President is preparing to fight for the leadership of France's main opposition party – but will he win big enough?
Is the criticism of Ed Miliband a coded form of anti-Semitism?

Is the criticism of Miliband anti-Semitic?

Attacks on the Labour leader have coalesced around a sense that he is different, weird, a man apart. But is the criticism more sinister?
Ouija boards are the must-have gift this Christmas, fuelled by a schlock horror film

Ouija boards are the must-have festive gift

Simon Usborne explores the appeal - and mysteries - of a century-old parlour game