Dom Joly: I should get the award for behaving badly

Share

I went to the National Television Awards last week. I don't normally go to awards ceremonies unless I'm presenting or receiving something. This rule comes after several disastrous evenings where I've got too drunk and offended too many people.

This time, however, I was the guest of ITV as they have just commissioned my new show, Fool Britannia. It's eight half-hours of hidden camera on Saturday nights just before The X Factor – I'm back in prime time and feeling the pressure.

Arriving at the hideous O2 after a journey more arduous than my recent Congolese adventure, I was faced with the red carpet. I loathe red carpets but I had a cunning plan. Admittedly this plan had been conceived after a couple of drinks the night before and it seemed less cunning the next day. I had purchased a Zorro-style eye mask, and donned it before getting out of my car. There was an air of confusion among the "greeters" who weren't sure whether to let me down the carpet or not.

I wandered past Peter Andre who was like a rabbit caught in the perpetual glare of the camera flashes. He had mislaid his entourage and seemed very lost. I slalomed between a bevy of buxom, perma-tanned beauties, all doing that looking-back-over-their-shoulder-pout-thing that they've all seen in rubbish magazines.

A man doing interviews grabbed me and asked me why I was wearing a mask. I did have some clever answer about me starting hidden camera again so I wanted to prove that I was a master of disguise ... but I forgot this and waffled on about how I wasn't really sure, and did he know where the bar was?

Finally off the carpet, I negotiated the endless tunnels until I found the box to which I had been invited. The show was two-and-a-half hours long, and experience had taught me to pace myself. It would not be the best of career moves to start drunken trouble in the ITV box the day after my new show had been commissioned. I've never been very good in that way. On the morning of the day Trigger Happy TV was first aired on Channel 4, I was arrested for breaking into the garden of the channel's morning show The Big Breakfast while dressed as a 6ft carrot, and launching myself at the window behind the presenters while they were on air. This did not go down well with the bigwigs at Horseferry Road.

Back at the O2, the show was over, and we headed off for the party which was like wandering through a Heat magazine dreamscape – there's Tom from The Apprentice, high-five Ant and Dec, give Dermot a hug, someone from Atomic Kitten, say something unfunny to Michael McIntyre and move on, spilling Bruce Forsyth's drink as you go.

"Where's the smoking area?" I asked Peter Andre, but he had lost his entourage again and seemed to be confused and close to tears. I eventually found it; it was star-free and full of TV executives bitching about their "talent". The place went quiet as I entered and I found myself smoking alone in a corner.

Eventually it was time to go, and I started the epic feat of trying to find my car. This only took an hour, and I slumped into the back seat and breathed a sigh of relief. Usually this would be the moment that I would drunkenly Tweet something that I'd regret in the morning. I've become so responsible, however, that I've handed over control of my Twitter account. I send my tweets in, and they are filtered. It's pathetic, but I really can't be trusted to behave properly in showbusiness.

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Office Administrator

£14000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An Office Administrator is requ...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Executive - Commercial Vehicles - OTE £40,000

£12000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Due to expansion and growth of ...

Ashdown Group: Senior PHP Developer - Sheffield - £50,000

£40000 - £50000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Senior PHP Developer position with a...

Recruitment Genius: Operations Leader - Plasma Processing

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: An Operations Leader is required to join a lea...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

i Editor's Letter: Most powerful woman in British politics

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
All the major parties are under pressure from sceptical voters to spell out their tax and spending plans  

Yet again, the economy is the battleground on which the election will be fought

Patrick Diamond
Revealed: Why Mohammed Emwazi chose the 'safe option' of fighting for Isis, rather than following his friends to al-Shabaab in Somalia

Why Mohammed Emwazi chose Isis

His friends were betrayed and killed by al-Shabaab
'The solution can never be to impassively watch on while desperate people drown'
An open letter to David Cameron: Building fortress Europe has had deadly results

Open letter to David Cameron

Building the walls of fortress Europe has had deadly results
Tory candidates' tweets not as 'spontaneous' as they seem - you don't say!

You don't say!

Tory candidates' election tweets not as 'spontaneous' as they appear
Mubi: Netflix for people who want to stop just watching trash

So what is Mubi?

Netflix for people who want to stop just watching trash all the time
The impossible job: how to follow Kevin Spacey?

The hardest job in theatre?

How to follow Kevin Spacey
Armenian genocide: To continue to deny the truth of this mass human cruelty is close to a criminal lie

Armenian genocide and the 'good Turks'

To continue to deny the truth of this mass human cruelty is close to a criminal lie
Lou Reed: The truth about the singer's upbringing beyond the biographers' and memoirists' myths

'Lou needed care, but what he got was ECT'

The truth about the singer's upbringing beyond
Migrant boat disaster: This human tragedy has been brewing for four years and EU states can't say they were not warned

This human tragedy has been brewing for years

EU states can't say they were not warned
Women's sportswear: From tackling a marathon to a jog in the park, the right kit can help

Women's sportswear

From tackling a marathon to a jog in the park, the right kit can help
Hillary Clinton's outfits will be as important as her policies in her presidential bid

Clinton's clothes

Like it or not, her outfits will be as important as her policies
NHS struggling to monitor the safety and efficacy of its services outsourced to private providers

Who's monitoring the outsourced NHS services?

A report finds that private firms are not being properly assessed for their quality of care
Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

The Tory MP said he did not want to stand again unless his party's manifesto ruled out a third runway. But he's doing so. Watch this space
How do Greek voters feel about Syriza's backtracking on its anti-austerity pledge?

How do Greeks feel about Syriza?

Five voters from different backgrounds tell us what they expect from Syriza's charismatic leader Alexis Tsipras
From Iraq to Libya and Syria: The wars that come back to haunt us

The wars that come back to haunt us

David Cameron should not escape blame for his role in conflicts that are still raging, argues Patrick Cockburn
Sam Baker and Lauren Laverne: Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

A new website is trying to declutter the internet to help busy women. Holly Williams meets the founders