Dom Joly: I should get the award for behaving badly

Share

I went to the National Television Awards last week. I don't normally go to awards ceremonies unless I'm presenting or receiving something. This rule comes after several disastrous evenings where I've got too drunk and offended too many people.

This time, however, I was the guest of ITV as they have just commissioned my new show, Fool Britannia. It's eight half-hours of hidden camera on Saturday nights just before The X Factor – I'm back in prime time and feeling the pressure.

Arriving at the hideous O2 after a journey more arduous than my recent Congolese adventure, I was faced with the red carpet. I loathe red carpets but I had a cunning plan. Admittedly this plan had been conceived after a couple of drinks the night before and it seemed less cunning the next day. I had purchased a Zorro-style eye mask, and donned it before getting out of my car. There was an air of confusion among the "greeters" who weren't sure whether to let me down the carpet or not.

I wandered past Peter Andre who was like a rabbit caught in the perpetual glare of the camera flashes. He had mislaid his entourage and seemed very lost. I slalomed between a bevy of buxom, perma-tanned beauties, all doing that looking-back-over-their-shoulder-pout-thing that they've all seen in rubbish magazines.

A man doing interviews grabbed me and asked me why I was wearing a mask. I did have some clever answer about me starting hidden camera again so I wanted to prove that I was a master of disguise ... but I forgot this and waffled on about how I wasn't really sure, and did he know where the bar was?

Finally off the carpet, I negotiated the endless tunnels until I found the box to which I had been invited. The show was two-and-a-half hours long, and experience had taught me to pace myself. It would not be the best of career moves to start drunken trouble in the ITV box the day after my new show had been commissioned. I've never been very good in that way. On the morning of the day Trigger Happy TV was first aired on Channel 4, I was arrested for breaking into the garden of the channel's morning show The Big Breakfast while dressed as a 6ft carrot, and launching myself at the window behind the presenters while they were on air. This did not go down well with the bigwigs at Horseferry Road.

Back at the O2, the show was over, and we headed off for the party which was like wandering through a Heat magazine dreamscape – there's Tom from The Apprentice, high-five Ant and Dec, give Dermot a hug, someone from Atomic Kitten, say something unfunny to Michael McIntyre and move on, spilling Bruce Forsyth's drink as you go.

"Where's the smoking area?" I asked Peter Andre, but he had lost his entourage again and seemed to be confused and close to tears. I eventually found it; it was star-free and full of TV executives bitching about their "talent". The place went quiet as I entered and I found myself smoking alone in a corner.

Eventually it was time to go, and I started the epic feat of trying to find my car. This only took an hour, and I slumped into the back seat and breathed a sigh of relief. Usually this would be the moment that I would drunkenly Tweet something that I'd regret in the morning. I've become so responsible, however, that I've handed over control of my Twitter account. I send my tweets in, and they are filtered. It's pathetic, but I really can't be trusted to behave properly in showbusiness.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£20000 - £25000 per annum + uncapped commission, Benefits, OTE £100k: SThree: ...

Guru Careers: Dining Room Head Chef

£32K: Guru Careers: We are seeking a Dining Room Head Chef to work for one of ...

Guru Careers: Pastry Sous Chef / Experienced Pastry Chef

£27K: Guru Careers: We are seeking a Pastry Sous Chef / Experienced Pastry Che...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£20000 - £25000 per annum + competitive: SThree: Are you a recent graduate loo...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The Irish referendum was the first on the issue of same-sex marriage anywhere in the world  

Don't be blinded by the Yes vote: Ireland is still oppressing its LGBT population

Siobhan Fenton
 

Daily catch-up: union bosses mobilise to try to prevent a Labour government

John Rentoul
Abuse - and the hell that came afterwards

Abuse - and the hell that follows

James Rhodes on the extraordinary legal battle to publish his memoir
Why we need a 'tranquility map' of England, according to campaigners

It's oh so quiet!

The case for a 'tranquility map' of England
'Timeless fashion': It may be a paradox, but the industry loves it

'Timeless fashion'

It may be a paradox, but the industry loves it
If the West needs a bridge to the 'moderates' inside Isis, maybe we could have done with Osama bin Laden staying alive after all

Could have done with Osama bin Laden staying alive?

Robert Fisk on the Fountainheads of World Evil in 2011 - and 2015
New exhibition celebrates the evolution of swimwear

Evolution of swimwear

From bathing dresses in the twenties to modern bikinis
Sun, sex and an anthropological study: One British academic's summer of hell in Magaluf

Sun, sex and an anthropological study

One academic’s summer of hell in Magaluf
From Shakespeare to Rising Damp... to Vicious

Frances de la Tour's 50-year triumph

'Rising Damp' brought De la Tour such recognition that she could be forgiven if she'd never been able to move on. But at 70, she continues to flourish - and to beguile
'That Whitsun, I was late getting away...'

Ian McMillan on the Whitsun Weddings

This weekend is Whitsun, and while the festival may no longer resonate, Larkin's best-loved poem, lives on - along with the train journey at the heart of it
Kathryn Williams explores the works and influences of Sylvia Plath in a new light

Songs from the bell jar

Kathryn Williams explores the works and influences of Sylvia Plath
How one man's day in high heels showed him that Cannes must change its 'no flats' policy

One man's day in high heels

...showed him that Cannes must change its 'flats' policy
Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

Dominic Rossi of Fidelity says his pressure on business to control rewards is working. But why aren’t other fund managers helping?
The King David Hotel gives precious work to Palestinians - unless peace talks are on

King David Hotel: Palestinians not included

The King David is special to Jerusalem. Nick Kochan checked in and discovered it has some special arrangements, too
More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years

End of the Aussie brain drain

More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years
Meditation is touted as a cure for mental instability but can it actually be bad for you?

Can meditation be bad for you?

Researching a mass murder, Dr Miguel Farias discovered that, far from bringing inner peace, meditation can leave devotees in pieces
Eurovision 2015: Australians will be cheering on their first-ever entrant this Saturday

Australia's first-ever Eurovision entrant

Australia, a nation of kitsch-worshippers, has always loved the Eurovision Song Contest. Maggie Alderson says it'll fit in fine