Dom Joly: I should get the award for behaving badly

Share

I went to the National Television Awards last week. I don't normally go to awards ceremonies unless I'm presenting or receiving something. This rule comes after several disastrous evenings where I've got too drunk and offended too many people.

This time, however, I was the guest of ITV as they have just commissioned my new show, Fool Britannia. It's eight half-hours of hidden camera on Saturday nights just before The X Factor – I'm back in prime time and feeling the pressure.

Arriving at the hideous O2 after a journey more arduous than my recent Congolese adventure, I was faced with the red carpet. I loathe red carpets but I had a cunning plan. Admittedly this plan had been conceived after a couple of drinks the night before and it seemed less cunning the next day. I had purchased a Zorro-style eye mask, and donned it before getting out of my car. There was an air of confusion among the "greeters" who weren't sure whether to let me down the carpet or not.

I wandered past Peter Andre who was like a rabbit caught in the perpetual glare of the camera flashes. He had mislaid his entourage and seemed very lost. I slalomed between a bevy of buxom, perma-tanned beauties, all doing that looking-back-over-their-shoulder-pout-thing that they've all seen in rubbish magazines.

A man doing interviews grabbed me and asked me why I was wearing a mask. I did have some clever answer about me starting hidden camera again so I wanted to prove that I was a master of disguise ... but I forgot this and waffled on about how I wasn't really sure, and did he know where the bar was?

Finally off the carpet, I negotiated the endless tunnels until I found the box to which I had been invited. The show was two-and-a-half hours long, and experience had taught me to pace myself. It would not be the best of career moves to start drunken trouble in the ITV box the day after my new show had been commissioned. I've never been very good in that way. On the morning of the day Trigger Happy TV was first aired on Channel 4, I was arrested for breaking into the garden of the channel's morning show The Big Breakfast while dressed as a 6ft carrot, and launching myself at the window behind the presenters while they were on air. This did not go down well with the bigwigs at Horseferry Road.

Back at the O2, the show was over, and we headed off for the party which was like wandering through a Heat magazine dreamscape – there's Tom from The Apprentice, high-five Ant and Dec, give Dermot a hug, someone from Atomic Kitten, say something unfunny to Michael McIntyre and move on, spilling Bruce Forsyth's drink as you go.

"Where's the smoking area?" I asked Peter Andre, but he had lost his entourage again and seemed to be confused and close to tears. I eventually found it; it was star-free and full of TV executives bitching about their "talent". The place went quiet as I entered and I found myself smoking alone in a corner.

Eventually it was time to go, and I started the epic feat of trying to find my car. This only took an hour, and I slumped into the back seat and breathed a sigh of relief. Usually this would be the moment that I would drunkenly Tweet something that I'd regret in the morning. I've become so responsible, however, that I've handed over control of my Twitter account. I send my tweets in, and they are filtered. It's pathetic, but I really can't be trusted to behave properly in showbusiness.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Marketing Manager - Leicestershire - £35,000

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Marketing Manager (CIM, B2B, MS Offi...

Marketing Executive (B2B and B2C) - Rugby, Warwickshire

£22000 - £25000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A highly successful organisation wit...

SEN Coordinator + Teacher (SENCO)

£1 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: Job Purpose To work closely with the he...

Research Manager - Quantitative/Qualitative

£32000 - £42000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client is curr...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Labour leader Ed Miliband with Liverpool City Council leader Joe Anderson, raising a Saltire on Liverpool waterfront on Tuesday  

Scottish referendum: How did Labour manage to end up on the losing side?

Andrew Grice
Holly's review of Peterborough's Pizza Express quickly went viral on social media  

The response to my Pizza Express review has been overwhelming, and taught me a lot about journalism

Holly Aston
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam
'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

Exclusive extract from Janis Winehouse's poignant new memoir
Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

The Imitation Game, film review
England and Roy Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption in Basel

England and Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption

Welbeck double puts England on the road to Euro 2016
Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Pictures removed from public view as courts decide ownership
‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

Donatella Versace at New York Fashion Week