Dom Joly: 'I'm a junkie spiralling into my own personal F Hole'

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The Independent Online

OK, enough is enough... this Facebook thing has gotten out of control. It consumes my day and I know I need to just delete the whole thing and get back to viewing the BBC News front page but... I can't, I'm a junkie spiralling into my own personal F Hole.

It started fine, just a place to put some travel writing and show off the number of countries I'd visited. But then I put up photos and was soon adding favourite quotes and playing Scrabble with strangers. By the way, my wife knows nothing of this, so please keep it quiet.

My friend list is increasingly weird – Michael Winner, for instance. The last time I saw Mr Winner he had behaved like an oaf when we were filming at his house. Calm down Michael, it's only an insult... Actually, I don't think the Michael Winner that I'm Facebook friends with is the real deal but he's funny, so who cares?

Another Facebook friend is the Foreign Secretary, David Miliband. I was his fourth friend and felt very honoured. He is the real deal, as he has convincing political contacts and is suitably dull. And he likes to update his "status" which can be interesting. His first entry was: "David is being Foreign Secretary and lovin' it." Then, the morning after a roasting on 'Newsnight', he was slightly more forlorn: "David is feeling that 'Newsnight' could have gone better." Hilariously, "David" didn't realise that if he updated his status and then changed it, the original remained visible in the news feed. His first stab at the 'Newsnight' status was far more revealing: "David is feeling that 'Newsnight' could have gone better especially with Paxman doing his looking up to the sky thing with his eyes, it was downright Rude. [sic]" I'm sure he'll learn quickly... I was particularly pleased to have a higher travel IQ than our Foreign Secretary. I had sent him the application. He scored 120, which is "Above Average" but I'm 132 ("Superior"). I wonder if he plays Scrabble?

Jeremy Clarkson asked to be my friend too. On closer inspection "Jeremy" turned out to be a frightening looking Nigerian fellow but I accepted him and put him in touch with Michael Winner, where's the harm?

There are certain people who seem to turn up on every single friend list. David Baddiel is a repeat offender who seems to know everybody in the world. There are also a couple of people I've never heard of that everyone in TV seems to be friends with – Kenton Allen and Danny Cohen. Who are these two and why do I not know them? Maybe this void in my contacts accounts for me looking at doing TV shows on Bravo as an exciting prospect?

This morning Piers Morgan became my friend. This was a rude wake-up call. Piers is very competitive, as he tells us in his new book where he describes how he announced to TV execs in LA that he had more hits on Google than the US TV host Regis Philbin.

Morgan's current Facebook friend count is 154, mine is 256; sadly I couldn't find Regis Philbin but, if you're reading this Piers, get trawling.

My Facebook has just pinged with an incoming message. It's my Facebook friend Louis Theroux. He wants me to join the group "Support the Monks' protest in Burma". I know, as Louis does, that by joining this group we will bring freedom, democracy and McDonald's to Rangoon so I sign up and hope that my close personal friend the Foreign Secretary has too.

Actually, I need a word with him. I want him to speak to the Home Secretary about her speech attacking TV shows that glorify drunkenness. She mentioned 'Ibiza Uncovered' but not 'Dom Joly's Happy Hour' in which I definitely do my best to make travelling the world getting smashed look like the brilliant fun it was. Maybe Jacqui Smith is on Facebook? Cut out the middleman, that's what I say. Got to go, Vernon Kay has sent me a message.

Further viewing: 'Dom Joly's Happy Hour' DVD out tomorrow, 1 October

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