Dom Joly: I'm going to spend more time with my family, hem hem

Related Topics

It is with sadness that I have to announce to you, my loyal readers, that I shall not be standing again as an MP at the next election. I know this will come as a shock to a lot of you. Some of you might not even know that I have been an MP for the past 15 years.

If I'm honest, I haven't spent as much time serving my constituents as I would have liked to. Unfortunately, my television commitments have kept me very busy. I have, however, been able to combine some of my media commitments with the role of MP. Just last year I took my whole family on a fact-finding trip to St Lucia for three weeks.

It was a most interesting and rewarding time for us all. We discovered that the island is in the Caribbean, is very hot and that you can sometimes see Amy Winehouse stumbling about in a drunken state.

I reported all of my findings back to the House in a series of postcards that I paid for myself. Admittedly, you paid for the hotel and flights, but I think that, should you ever get to read said postcards, you would agree that we had a wonderful time.

Some of you will have read the skewed press coverage about me in the past month or so, and I just want to take time to clear this up. I was not wearing a stocking on my head. It was one half of a pair of tights. I had just been in a very important lunch meeting with my secretary and the whole thing dragged on a lot longer than I thought it might. My secretary was celebrating her 17th birthday and we might have had a couple of bottles of champagne to celebrate the event. Who among us would not do the same?

For personal reasons, I am currently following a course of anti-depressants and these must have reacted with the tiny amount of champagne that I consumed. I have very little recollection of events but I am told that I entered the Westminster Barclay's bank shouting, "Everybody on the floor now or I'll blow your heads off", while brandishing a sawn-off shotgun.

I have no memory of this, nor do I remember coshing a Chinese gentleman who was an innocent customer in the bank. The police claim that I repeatedly beat the man about the head while shouting, "I'm here for a take-away", but again my memory is not entirely clear on these matters.

The important thing is that when the police did apprehend me I immediately admitted that I must have made a serious error of judgement. I handed the two bags of cash back and apologised to everyone, including the other customer, for what was clearly a simple administrative error.

I have, without delay, asked the Speaker of the House to organise an inquiry into this whole matter, and this will take place sometime soon after I step down. There's probably no real need for it, but I thought it best that Parliament be seen to be acting in a proper manner.

I know that some of you might be worried about what I shall do in the future? Fear not. For ages I have harboured a secret ambition to turn one of my arboretums into a Himalayan garden. Quite by chance, our little corner of the Cotswolds has a microclimate exactly comparable to Kathmandu – so yah boo sucks to those climate-change scaremongers. I intend to grow my own range of tea and sell it to the Houses of Parliament. I will therefore not let any accusations of my wasting my "resettlement fee" stand.

I would like to end by extending my full support to whoever happens to be in charge of the country on the day that you read this – he/she/it is really brilliant.

Dom Joly's Made in Britain starts on Blighty channel tomorrow at 8pm

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

VB.Net Developer - £40k - Surrey - WANTED ASAP

£35000 - £40000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: .Mid Level V...

Digitakl Business Analyst, Slough

£40000 - £45000 per annum + Competitive Benefits: Progressive Recruitment: Dig...

Mechanical Estimator: Nuclear Energy - Sellafield

£40000 - £50000 per annum + Car, Medical, Fuel + More!: Progressive Recruitmen...

Dynamics NAV Techno-Functional Consultant

£50000 - £60000 per annum + benefits: Progressive Recruitment: An absolutely o...

Day In a Page

Read Next
'Our media are suffering a new experience: not fear of being called anti-Semitic'  

Dress the Gaza situation up all you like, but the truth hurts

Robert Fisk
David Cameron (pictured) can't steal back my party's vote that easily, says Nigel Farage  

Cameron’s benefits pledge is designed to lure back Ukip voters. He’ll have to try harder

Nigel Farage
Dress the Gaza situation up all you like, but the truth hurts

Robert Fisk on Gaza conflict

Dress the situation up all you like, but the truth hurts
Save the tiger: Tiger, tiger burning less brightly as numbers plummet

Tiger, tiger burning less brightly

When William Blake wrote his famous poem there were probably more than 100,000 tigers in the wild. These days they probably number around 3,200
5 News's Andy Bell retraces his grandfather's steps on the First World War battlefields

In my grandfather's footsteps

5 News's political editor Andy Bell only knows his grandfather from the compelling diary he kept during WWI. But when he returned to the killing fields where Edwin Vaughan suffered so much, his ancestor came to life
Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart reveals she has flying robot ... to take photos of her farm

Martha Stewart has flying robot

The lifestyle guru used the drone to get a bird's eye view her 153-acre farm in Bedford, New York
Former Labour minister Meg Hillier has demanded 'pootling lanes' for women cyclists

Do women cyclists need 'pootling lanes'?

Simon Usborne (who's more of a hurtler) explains why winning the space race is key to happy riding
A tale of two presidents: George W Bush downs his paintbrush to pen father’s life story

A tale of two presidents

George W Bush downs his paintbrush to pen father’s life story
Save the tiger: The day America’s love of backyard tigers led to a horrific bloodbath

The day America’s love of backyard tigers led to a horrific bloodbath

With only six per cent of the US population of these amazing big cats held in zoos, the Zanesville incident in 2011 was inevitable
Samuel Beckett's biographer reveals secrets of the writer's time as a French Resistance spy

How Samuel Beckett became a French Resistance spy

As this year's Samuel Beckett festival opens in Enniskillen, James Knowlson, recalls how the Irish writer risked his life for liberty and narrowly escaped capture by the Gestapo
We will remember them: relatives still honour those who fought in the Great War

We will remember them

Relatives still honour those who fought in the Great War
Star Wars Episode VII is being shot on film - and now Kodak is launching a last-ditch bid to keep celluloid alive

Kodak's last-ditch bid to keep celluloid alive

Director J J Abrams and a few digital refuseniks shoot movies on film. Simon Usborne wonders what the fuss is about
Once stilted and melodramatic, Hollywood is giving acting in video games a makeover

Acting in video games gets a makeover

David Crookes meets two of the genre's most popular voices
Could our smartphones soon be diagnosing diseases via Health Kit and Google Fit?

Could smartphones soon be diagnosing diseases?

Health Kit and Google Fit have been described as "the beginning of a health revolution"
Ryanair has turned on the 'charm offensive' but can we learn to love the cut-price carrier again?

Can we learn to love Ryanair again?

Four recent travellers give their verdicts on the carrier's improved customer service
Billionaire founder of Spanx launches range of jeans that offers

Spanx launches range of jeans

The jeans come in two styles, multiple cuts and three washes and will go on sale in the UK in October
10 best over-ear headphones

Aural pleasure: 10 best over-ear headphones

Listen to your favourite tracks with this selection, offering everything from lambskin earmuffs to stainless steel