Dom Joly: It must be the cuts – sympathy has been rationed

Share
Related Topics

I think I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Or possibly ME. It might, however, just be Man-Flu, but I'm sure it isn't. I'm really not well at all. I am lethargic and unmotivated and I lounge around the house all day complaining to my long-suffering wife, Stacey, that "I am not well".

She doesn't like me being ill. If the dog has a bump or a scratch, then she will keep herself awake all night worrying about what it could be. If the kids are poorly then they are rushed from doctor to doctor and pumped full of drugs and hugs. Even the rabbit is higher up the accident and emergency food chain than I am. The current weather is considered to be too cold for him and so he is brought into the house and snuggled and huggled by all and sundry.

This leaves me and the cat, Dr Pepper. The cat is never ill but even if he were, he would want no attention as his only interest in life is killing robins. He doesn't do hugs and only puts up with stroking near mealtimes. So we both lie around in the sitting room staring at each other listlessly.

He never says so, but I know he despises me for my weakness and desperate pleas for attention. He would never lower himself to this state, not even if he had full-blown cat Aids.

Occasionally Stacey will say something half-hearted, such as, "Would you like a cup of tea?" She says it in a way that strongly emphasises the fact that she is too busy to make me a cup of tea. She also knows that I hate tea. For good measure, she gives me a look that makes me feel embarrassed to have got to the stage where she is offering me a cup of tea at all.

I then remind her of the time she ignored my illness and it turned out to be pneumonia and I went to hospital. She counters by asking whether I'd like to go and see a doctor.

I hate doctors. They only deal in bad news, they always make me take all my clothes off for no reason, and the other people in the reception area often frighten me. So I tell her that, no, I don't want to go and see a doctor. But she knew the answer to this even before she asked me.

Stacey tells me that I can't be ill if I don't want to go to see a doctor. I suggest that maybe I'm too ill to go and see a doctor and that standing naked in a stranger's office is not going to help anybody.

She is about to say something cutting but instead she disappears to look after a child, or cook supper, or clean up something that I haven't spilt yet.

I decide to watch a film, but the remote control is not within my reach. I can see it on the other sofa. I try to get Huxley, my beloved labrador to bring it over to me, but he misunderstands and brings me a tennis ball. I tell him that I am too ill for tennis.

Finally, a child wanders by and is persuaded to bring me the remote. But just as I settle down to watch Eggheads, the door bursts open and my wife is back. She is very angry. She has just cleaned the kitchen, she tells me, and she knows that I'm going to go in there later and make something to eat and leave a mess. I ask her why she bothered to clean the kitchen if she knew this was going to happen.

This turns out to be a serious mistake. But I am ill and not thinking straight. I get a stream of invective and the cat leaves the room in search of another radiator. He has a busy night of robin-killing ahead of him and he needs some rest.



React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: 3rd Line Virtualisation, Windows & Server Engineer

£40000 - £47000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A 3rd Line Virtualisation / Sto...

Recruitment Genius: Refrigeration and Air Conditioning Service Engineer

£26000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A successful national service f...

Recruitment Genius: Business Development Executive / Sales - OTE £25,000

£15000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity to join ...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Administrator - Fixed Term Contract

£17500 - £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: We currently require an experie...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Andy Coulson  

Andy Coulson: With former News of the World editor cleared of perjury charges, what will he do next?

James Cusick James Cusick
Jack Warner  

Fifa corruption: Strip Qatar of the World Cup? Not likely

Tom Peck
Syria civil war: Meet the military commander who says his soldiers will not rest until every inch of their war torn country is free of Islamist 'terrorists'

‘We won’t stop until Syria is back to normal’

Near the front lines with Islamist-controlled towns where Assad’s troops were besieged just last month, Robert Fisk meets a commander confidently preparing his soldiers for battle
The inside story of how Bill Clinton built a $2bn global foundation may undermine Hillary's chances

The inside story of how Bill Clinton built a $2bn global foundation...

... and how it may undermine Hillary's chances in 2016
12 best olive oils

Extra-virgin, cold-press, early-harvest, ultra-premium: 12 best olive oils

Choosing an olive oil is a surprising minefield. Save yourself the hassle with our handy guide
Rafa Benitez Real Madrid unveiling: New manager full of emotion at Bernabeu homecoming

Benitez full of emotion at Bernabeu homecoming

There were tears in the former Liverpool manager’s eyes as he was unveiled as Real Madrid coach. But the Spaniard knows he must make tough decisions if he is to succeed
Sepp Blatter resignation: The beginning of Fifa's long road to reform?

Does Blatter's departure mean Fifa will automatically clean up its act?

Don't bet on it, says Tom Peck
Charles Kennedy: The baby of the House who grew into a Lib Dem giant

The baby of the House who grew into a Lib Dem giant

Charles Kennedy was consistently a man of the centre-left, dedicated to social justice, but was also a champion of liberty and an opponent of the nanny-state, says Baroness Williams
Syria civil war: The harrowing testament of a five-year-old victim of this endless conflict

The harrowing testament of a five-year-old victim of Syria's endless civil war

Sahar Qanbar lost her mother and brother as civilians and government soldiers fought side by side after being surrounded by brutal Islamist fighters. Robert Fisk visited her
The future of songwriting: How streaming is changing everything we know about making music

The future of songwriting

How streaming is changing everything we know about making music
William Shemin and Henry Johnson: Jewish and black soldiers receive World War I Medal of Honor amid claims of discrimination

Recognition at long last

Jewish and black soldiers who fought in WWI finally receive medals after claims of discrimination
Beating obesity: The new pacemaker which helps over-eaters

Beating obesity

The new pacemaker which helps over-eaters
9 best women's festival waterproofs

Ready for rain: 9 best women's festival waterproofs

These are the macs to keep your denim dry and your hair frizz-free(ish)
Cycling World Hour Record: Nervous Sir Bradley Wiggins ready for pain as he prepares to go distance

Wiggins worried

Nervous Sir Bradley ready for pain as he prepares to attempt cycling's World Hour Record
Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Reds baulk at Christian Benteke £32.5m release clause
On your feet! Spending at least two hours a day standing reduces the risk of heart attacks, cancer and diabetes, according to new research

On your feet!

Spending half the day standing 'reduces risk of heart attacks and cancer'
With scores of surgeries closing, what hope is there for the David Cameron's promise of 5,000 more GPs and a 24/7 NHS?

The big NHS question

Why are there so few new GPs when so many want to study medicine?