Dom Joly: It must be the cuts – sympathy has been rationed

Share
Related Topics

I think I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Or possibly ME. It might, however, just be Man-Flu, but I'm sure it isn't. I'm really not well at all. I am lethargic and unmotivated and I lounge around the house all day complaining to my long-suffering wife, Stacey, that "I am not well".

She doesn't like me being ill. If the dog has a bump or a scratch, then she will keep herself awake all night worrying about what it could be. If the kids are poorly then they are rushed from doctor to doctor and pumped full of drugs and hugs. Even the rabbit is higher up the accident and emergency food chain than I am. The current weather is considered to be too cold for him and so he is brought into the house and snuggled and huggled by all and sundry.

This leaves me and the cat, Dr Pepper. The cat is never ill but even if he were, he would want no attention as his only interest in life is killing robins. He doesn't do hugs and only puts up with stroking near mealtimes. So we both lie around in the sitting room staring at each other listlessly.

He never says so, but I know he despises me for my weakness and desperate pleas for attention. He would never lower himself to this state, not even if he had full-blown cat Aids.

Occasionally Stacey will say something half-hearted, such as, "Would you like a cup of tea?" She says it in a way that strongly emphasises the fact that she is too busy to make me a cup of tea. She also knows that I hate tea. For good measure, she gives me a look that makes me feel embarrassed to have got to the stage where she is offering me a cup of tea at all.

I then remind her of the time she ignored my illness and it turned out to be pneumonia and I went to hospital. She counters by asking whether I'd like to go and see a doctor.

I hate doctors. They only deal in bad news, they always make me take all my clothes off for no reason, and the other people in the reception area often frighten me. So I tell her that, no, I don't want to go and see a doctor. But she knew the answer to this even before she asked me.

Stacey tells me that I can't be ill if I don't want to go to see a doctor. I suggest that maybe I'm too ill to go and see a doctor and that standing naked in a stranger's office is not going to help anybody.

She is about to say something cutting but instead she disappears to look after a child, or cook supper, or clean up something that I haven't spilt yet.

I decide to watch a film, but the remote control is not within my reach. I can see it on the other sofa. I try to get Huxley, my beloved labrador to bring it over to me, but he misunderstands and brings me a tennis ball. I tell him that I am too ill for tennis.

Finally, a child wanders by and is persuaded to bring me the remote. But just as I settle down to watch Eggheads, the door bursts open and my wife is back. She is very angry. She has just cleaned the kitchen, she tells me, and she knows that I'm going to go in there later and make something to eat and leave a mess. I ask her why she bothered to clean the kitchen if she knew this was going to happen.

This turns out to be a serious mistake. But I am ill and not thinking straight. I get a stream of invective and the cat leaves the room in search of another radiator. He has a busy night of robin-killing ahead of him and he needs some rest.



React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Senior Digital Marketing Consultant

£28000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Senior Digital Marketing Cons...

Recruitment Genius: Assistant Stores Keeper

£16640 - £18500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An Assistant Stores Keeper is r...

Recruitment Genius: Claims Administrator

£16000 - £18500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an excellent opportunit...

Recruitment Genius: Software Developer - C# / ASP.NET / SQL

£17000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Developer required to join a bu...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Ed Miliband, Nick Clegg and David Cameron appeal to the audience during the Question Time special  

General election 2015: Not voting makes you responsible for the worst that follows

Yasmin Alibhai Brown
Prince William and his wife Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge show their newly-born daughter, their second child, to the media outside the Lindo Wing at St Mary's Hospital in central London, on 2 May 2015.  

The Only Way is Ethics: The birth of a royal baby will not top the news for long

Will Gore
'It was first time I had ever tasted chocolate. I kept a piece, and when Amsterdam was liberated, I gave it to the first Allied soldier I saw'

Bread from heaven

Dutch survivors thank RAF for World War II drop that saved millions
Britain will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power - Labour

How 'the Axe' helped Labour

UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power
Rare and exclusive video shows the horrific price paid by activists for challenging the rule of jihadist extremists in Syria

The price to be paid for challenging the rule of extremists

A revolution now 'consuming its own children'
Welcome to the world of Megagames

Welcome to the world of Megagames

300 players take part in Watch the Skies! board game in London
'Nymphomaniac' actress reveals what it was really like to star in one of the most explicit films ever

Charlotte Gainsbourg on 'Nymphomaniac'

Starring in one of the most explicit films ever
Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers

Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi

The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers
Vince Cable interview: Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'

Vince Cable exclusive interview

Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'
Iwan Rheon interview: Game of Thrones star returns to his Welsh roots to record debut album

Iwan Rheon is returning to his Welsh roots

Rheon is best known for his role as the Bastard of Bolton. It's gruelling playing a sadistic torturer, he tells Craig McLean, but it hasn't stopped him recording an album of Welsh psychedelia
Russell Brand's interview with Ed Miliband has got everyone talking about The Trews

Everyone is talking about The Trews

Russell Brand's 'true news' videos attract millions of viewers. But today's 'Milibrand' interview introduced his resolutely amateurish style to a whole new crowd
Morne Hardenberg interview: Cameraman for BBC's upcoming show Shark on filming the ocean's most dangerous predator

It's time for my close-up

Meet the man who films great whites for a living
Increasing numbers of homeless people in America keep their mobile phones on the streets

Homeless people keep mobile phones

A homeless person with a smartphone is a common sight in the US. And that's creating a network where the 'hobo' community can share information - and fight stigma - like never before
'Queer saint' Peter Watson left his mark on British culture by bankrolling artworld giants

'Queer saint' who bankrolled artworld giants

British culture owes a huge debt to Peter Watson, says Michael Prodger
Pushkin Prizes: Unusual exchange programme aims to bring countries together through culture

Pushkin Prizes brings countries together

Ten Scottish schoolchildren and their Russian peers attended a creative writing workshop in the Highlands this week
14 best kids' hoodies

14 best kids' hoodies

Don't get caught out by that wind on the beach. Zip them up in a lightweight top to see them through summer to autumn
Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The acceptable face of the Emirates

The acceptable face of the Emirates

Has Abu Dhabi found a way to blend petrodollars with principles, asks Robert Fisk