Dom Joly: Make your own luck – corner the market in mascots for 2012

Basically, we just get that company to make a couple of weird costumes and then we can flip itround and say that they are whatever you want them to be
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The Independent Online

I've just managed to get hold of the minutes of the meeting in which the concept for the mascots for the London Olympics was discussed. What's interesting is that a lot of people feel that mascots are silly, pointless and just there to sell merchandising. This is very much not the case.

Creative One: "So thanks for coming everybody – anyone have any problems parking their scooters?"

There is a general, incomprehensible mumble.

Creative One: "Right, let's get down to business. We've got to make this quick as I know a lot of you are really busy working on the Make Andy Murray Human account, so let's crack on."

Creative Two: "Me and some of the guys were thinking about it while we were playing Baby-Foot. It's got to be London-themed, right? How about a pigeon? A huge pigeon and it could fly over the opening ceremony and, instead of pooing on everybody, sweets would fall out of it?"

Creative One: "I like that, that's really thinking out of the box and that's what we're all about. Problemo is that I don't think the other countries will get it. A pigeon is just a bit ... shit, really. Anyone else?"

Creative Three: "We were at a Go Karting team-building session yesterday in the East End. It got me thinking. How about some sort of modern spin on the pearly kings? We could maybe have them flying about on jet packs?"

Creative One: "That's brilliant as well, but didn't they do jet packs at the LA Olympics? It's going to look really last week. Off the subj – but do they actually exist, those things? I would love to have one – how cool would that be, landing on the Shoreditch Soho House terrace? Sorry... anyone else?"

Creative Four: "It's nearly always a kind of animal, right? It's got to be something that kids like and is British? How about a fox and a badger?"

Creative One: "The problem with foxes is that they're basically quite evil – chicken serial killers – and we can't have that sort of image for the Olympics. Also the Tories are back in, remember, so we don't want our mascot being hunted and torn apart by hounds every weekend, do we?"

Creative Four: "Fair point. What about the badger then?"

Creative One: "I'm a bit weird about badgers. What do they actually do? You never see one and there's something a bit ... creepy about them. I can't put my finger on it but I wouldn't leave my kids with them."

A door opens and someone pops their head round the door.

The Someone: "Guys, sorry to bother you but just to remind you that the cars for the paintball day are leaving in 10 so you need to be out and ready by then."

Creative One: "I totally forgot about that, should be ace. Right, that's good, we've got a five-minute deadline, guys – this is what we're paid the silly money for..."

Creative Five: "Why don't we go leftfield and just make something up? Something that sort of looks like it's zeitgeisty but nobody can really work out what it is. We let everyone else project their views on to it ..."

Creative One: "I like that, kind of like a Banksy Manga vibe?"

Creative Five: "Yeah exactly ... well, more like these things called Go-Gos that my kids like. We just put them up online and everyone can mess about with them and do their own designs."

Creative One: "You mean pretend it's all an interactive thing but we just nick the best ideas?"

Creative Two: "That sounds amazing. Basically, we just get that company to make a couple of weird costumes and then we can flip it round and say that they are whatever you want them to be..."

Creative One: "I like it. Get two of those made for next week, one for the Olympics and one for the Olympics that nobody watches ... in blue and green ... no, silver. Right, good job guys – now, all we need are names."

Creative Three: "How about Nick and Dave?"

Creative One: "That would get press but it would look silly when they're not in power. I was thinking we should go more weird, something like ... Shagwa and Porlky – I'm just riffing here."

Creative Four: "That sounds like Jaguar and Porky."

Creative One: "Yeah scrap that. Anyone?"

Creative Six: "How about Wenlock and Mandeville?"

Creative One: "That's great ... but what are they?"

Creative Six: "I just mashed up some Harry Potter."

Creative One: "We're not going to get any better – everyone cool with that? Let's go paintball...."

* Loved that picture of Rooney with a big bushy beard. For a moment I thought he'd gone all David Icke, but it turned out to be for an ad showing what would happen to him if he didn't produce the goods in South Africa.