Dom Joly: Personality? Bring on the rats, dullards and disappointments

Weird World of Sport: It was exciting and I screamed until hoarse, then nearly fell asleep as she talked about it
Click to follow
The Independent Online

I went to school with Tim Henman. I know that's not cool, it's not even very exciting. I just thought that I should declare my personal connection before we start. Radiohead were also at school with me but I'm not going to talk about music so that was just plain showing off. I presume that I must have bullied Henman at some time. I can't remember him but just looking at him you know you would – he is eminently wedgieable.

Andy Murray on the other hand is so miserable that, had he been at school with me, he would have probably never picked up a racket. In fact, he'd probably currently be the grumpiest member of Radiohead and a lot happier than he seems to be right now.

I notice that he's one of the 10 short-listed for the BBC Sports PERSONALITY of the year. Unlike most of the other contenders, at least Murray actually has a personality. Admittedly it's that of a grumpy, suicidal Goth teenager but at least it's discernable.

This argument carries on every year and it's about time that the BBC dealt with it by changing the name to "Sportsperson Of The Year". That way we could just give it to whoever's sporting achievement had the most impact on the British public. Lewis Hamilton's last nail-biting lap in Brazil was surely the most exciting British sporting moment of the last year. My whole family, totally uninterested by Formula One, stood in front of the telly screaming for him to overtake and win. That is no mean feat in our household.

Sadly, personality-wise, there is something unbelievably dull and Jonny Wilkinson-like about the man. That Santander ad got it unintentionally right when he is seen as part of an Airfix-type model being assembled. He is a robot, a metronome in charge of an unbelievable mass of precision engineering. Similarly I was just above the finishing line in Beijing when Christine Ohuruogu came through to win her gold medal. It was very exciting and I screamed until I went hoarse. Right afterwards, however, I was on Five Live with her and nearly fell asleep as I listened to her talk about the experience. And that was when she was still adrenalised! Sports Personality By-Pass Of The Year if you ask me.

While we're on the Olympics I have to say this – I wasn't upset that there were no Paralympians on the list. Listening to Dame Tanni Grey-Thompson it appeared that she felt that nobody had understood how hard these athletes worked. I don't think anyone is in any doubt as to what an achievement it is for a disabled athlete to reach the levels they do and how hard they work, it's just – and I know we're not supposed to say this – nobody I know was really that interested in the Paralympics. Any inclusion therefore, would be pure political correctness so they got something right at least.

To the chagrin of many, no footballers were included either. Personally I didn't mind as I hate football but I did think that Ashley Cole should have been up there for having the temerity and the strength of personality to cuckold the nation's new sweetheart, the gorgeous Cheryl Cole. Hang on maybe that's the answer? We should have an alternative ceremony called something like The BBC Sporting Rats, Dullards and Disappointments of the Year (copyright DomJoly08).

I'd watch it. We could have Nigel Mansell or David Beckham hosting the thing – it would be a smash, watch this space.

Personally, I would love it if Rebecca Adlington won as she is a real sweetie and did capture the nation's hearts. On the other hand it's an amazing thing to be able to swap sports and win medals in different events as Rebecca Romero did by going from sculling to cycling. Joe Calzaghe is also very cool but he won the award last year and I don't think you should be able to do so twice. No, to me the answer is very clear. It should be Chris Hoy. He was glorious at the Olympics – the first Brit to win three gold medals at the same games since 1908. But he should actually win for something else. When an interviewer asked, "What does Chris Hoy thinks about all of this?" he replied, "I think when Chris Hoy starts referring to Chris Hoy in the third person that's when Chris Hoy has disappeared up his own arse." For this and this alone he deserves to win and gets Dom Joly's vote.

Formula One can save itself by racing round the celebrity circuit

Honda has pulled out of Formula One as the credit crunch starts to bite hard. I'm sure that they won't be the only ones and the sport is going to have to look elsewhere for new sponsors to take over existing teams. Celebrities seem to be pretty recession-proof as there is an incessant demand for photographs of tasteless weddings and ever-expanding breasts. Maybe Formula One should tap into this? Gordon Ramsey could take over Honda, plenty of distractions for him in the pits. How about Kerry Katona? Sounds a bit like Daytona and if we managed to get her into a car then we'd have a full house to watch that one I promise you. It just takes a bit of lateral thinking and all will be well.

Was Keane's walk-out in the interests of Iran?

Anyone else worried that Roy Keane was starting to look a little like the President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, before the former Sunderland manager got rid of that beard? Those wild staring eyes, the facial hair... Might explain a couple of things.