Dom Joly: Personality? Bring on the rats, dullards and disappointments

Weird World of Sport: It was exciting and I screamed until hoarse, then nearly fell asleep as she talked about it

Share
Related Topics

I went to school with Tim Henman. I know that's not cool, it's not even very exciting. I just thought that I should declare my personal connection before we start. Radiohead were also at school with me but I'm not going to talk about music so that was just plain showing off. I presume that I must have bullied Henman at some time. I can't remember him but just looking at him you know you would – he is eminently wedgieable.

Andy Murray on the other hand is so miserable that, had he been at school with me, he would have probably never picked up a racket. In fact, he'd probably currently be the grumpiest member of Radiohead and a lot happier than he seems to be right now.

I notice that he's one of the 10 short-listed for the BBC Sports PERSONALITY of the year. Unlike most of the other contenders, at least Murray actually has a personality. Admittedly it's that of a grumpy, suicidal Goth teenager but at least it's discernable.

This argument carries on every year and it's about time that the BBC dealt with it by changing the name to "Sportsperson Of The Year". That way we could just give it to whoever's sporting achievement had the most impact on the British public. Lewis Hamilton's last nail-biting lap in Brazil was surely the most exciting British sporting moment of the last year. My whole family, totally uninterested by Formula One, stood in front of the telly screaming for him to overtake and win. That is no mean feat in our household.

Sadly, personality-wise, there is something unbelievably dull and Jonny Wilkinson-like about the man. That Santander ad got it unintentionally right when he is seen as part of an Airfix-type model being assembled. He is a robot, a metronome in charge of an unbelievable mass of precision engineering. Similarly I was just above the finishing line in Beijing when Christine Ohuruogu came through to win her gold medal. It was very exciting and I screamed until I went hoarse. Right afterwards, however, I was on Five Live with her and nearly fell asleep as I listened to her talk about the experience. And that was when she was still adrenalised! Sports Personality By-Pass Of The Year if you ask me.

While we're on the Olympics I have to say this – I wasn't upset that there were no Paralympians on the list. Listening to Dame Tanni Grey-Thompson it appeared that she felt that nobody had understood how hard these athletes worked. I don't think anyone is in any doubt as to what an achievement it is for a disabled athlete to reach the levels they do and how hard they work, it's just – and I know we're not supposed to say this – nobody I know was really that interested in the Paralympics. Any inclusion therefore, would be pure political correctness so they got something right at least.

To the chagrin of many, no footballers were included either. Personally I didn't mind as I hate football but I did think that Ashley Cole should have been up there for having the temerity and the strength of personality to cuckold the nation's new sweetheart, the gorgeous Cheryl Cole. Hang on maybe that's the answer? We should have an alternative ceremony called something like The BBC Sporting Rats, Dullards and Disappointments of the Year (copyright DomJoly08).

I'd watch it. We could have Nigel Mansell or David Beckham hosting the thing – it would be a smash, watch this space.

Personally, I would love it if Rebecca Adlington won as she is a real sweetie and did capture the nation's hearts. On the other hand it's an amazing thing to be able to swap sports and win medals in different events as Rebecca Romero did by going from sculling to cycling. Joe Calzaghe is also very cool but he won the award last year and I don't think you should be able to do so twice. No, to me the answer is very clear. It should be Chris Hoy. He was glorious at the Olympics – the first Brit to win three gold medals at the same games since 1908. But he should actually win for something else. When an interviewer asked, "What does Chris Hoy thinks about all of this?" he replied, "I think when Chris Hoy starts referring to Chris Hoy in the third person that's when Chris Hoy has disappeared up his own arse." For this and this alone he deserves to win and gets Dom Joly's vote.

Formula One can save itself by racing round the celebrity circuit

Honda has pulled out of Formula One as the credit crunch starts to bite hard. I'm sure that they won't be the only ones and the sport is going to have to look elsewhere for new sponsors to take over existing teams. Celebrities seem to be pretty recession-proof as there is an incessant demand for photographs of tasteless weddings and ever-expanding breasts. Maybe Formula One should tap into this? Gordon Ramsey could take over Honda, plenty of distractions for him in the pits. How about Kerry Katona? Sounds a bit like Daytona and if we managed to get her into a car then we'd have a full house to watch that one I promise you. It just takes a bit of lateral thinking and all will be well.

Was Keane's walk-out in the interests of Iran?

Anyone else worried that Roy Keane was starting to look a little like the President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, before the former Sunderland manager got rid of that beard? Those wild staring eyes, the facial hair... Might explain a couple of things.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Sustainability Manager

Competitive: The Green Recruitment Company: Job Title: Scheme Manager (BREEAM)...

Graduate Sustainability Professional

Flexible, depending on experience: The Green Recruitment Company: Job Title: T...

Programme Director - Conduct Risk - London

£850 - £950 per day: Orgtel: Programme Director - Conduct Risk - Banking - £85...

Project Coordinator/Order Entry, SC Clear

£100 - £110 per day: Orgtel: Project Coordinator/Order Entry Hampshire

Day In a Page

Read Next
Former N-Dubz singer Tulisa Contostavlos gives a statement outside Southwark Crown Court after her trial  

It would be wrong to compare brave Tulisa’s ordeal with phone hacking. It’s much worse than that

Matthew Norman
The Big Society Network was assessed as  

What became of Cameron's Big Society Network?

Oliver Wright
Noel Fielding's 'Luxury Comedy': A land of the outright bizarre

Noel Fielding's 'Luxury Comedy'

A land of the outright bizarre
What are the worst 'Word Crimes'?

What are the worst 'Word Crimes'?

‘Weird Al’ Yankovic's latest video is an ode to good grammar. But what do The Independent’s experts think he’s missed out?
Can Secret Cinema sell 80,000 'Back to the Future' tickets?

The worst kept secret in cinema

A cult movie event aims to immerse audiences of 80,000 in ‘Back to the Future’. But has it lost its magic?
Facebook: The new hatched, matched and dispatched

The new hatched, matched and dispatched

Family events used to be marked in the personal columns. But now Facebook has usurped the ‘Births, Deaths and Marriages’ announcements
Why do we have blood types?

Are you my type?

All of us have one but probably never wondered why. Yet even now, a century after blood types were discovered, it’s a matter of debate what they’re for
Honesty box hotels: You decide how much you pay

Honesty box hotels

Five hotels in Paris now allow guests to pay only what they think their stay was worth. It seems fraught with financial risk, but the honesty policy has its benefit
Commonwealth Games 2014: Why weight of pressure rests easy on Michael Jamieson’s shoulders

Michael Jamieson: Why weight of pressure rests easy on his shoulders

The Scottish swimmer is ready for ‘the biggest race of my life’ at the Commonwealth Games
Some are reformed drug addicts. Some are single mums. All are on benefits. But now these so-called 'scroungers’ are fighting back

The 'scroungers’ fight back

The welfare claimants battling to alter stereotypes
Amazing video shows Nasa 'flame extinguishment experiment' in action

Fireballs in space

Amazing video shows Nasa's 'flame extinguishment experiment' in action
A Bible for billionaires

A Bible for billionaires

Find out why America's richest men are reading John Brookes
Paranoid parenting is on the rise - and our children are suffering because of it

Paranoid parenting is on the rise

And our children are suffering because of it
For sale: Island where the Magna Carta was sealed

Magna Carta Island goes on sale

Yours for a cool £4m
Phone hacking scandal special report: The slide into crime at the 'News of the World'

The hacker's tale: the slide into crime at the 'News of the World'

Glenn Mulcaire was jailed for six months for intercepting phone messages. James Hanning tells his story in a new book. This is an extract
We flinch, but there are degrees of paedophilia

We flinch, but there are degrees of paedophilia

Child abusers are not all the same, yet the idea of treating them differently in relation to the severity of their crimes has somehow become controversial
The truth about conspiracy theories is that some require considering

The truth about conspiracy theories is that some require considering

For instance, did Isis kill the Israeli teenagers to trigger a war, asks Patrick Cockburn