Dom Joly: Señor Bullwinkle and a very tall tale from a Spanish hotel

Weird World of Sport: 'I was wondering whether it might be possible for you to forget I stayed here'
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The Independent Online

A very tall man approaches a Spanish hotel reception desk. He looks rather sheepish and a little worse for wear. The man behind the desk is tiny and dwarfed by the Ray-Ban-wearing, lanky man.


"Hola sir, how may I assist you today?"

"Yes... hi... I was staying in your hotel last night..."

"I hope everything was satisfactory for you, sir?"

"Yes... yes... it was fine... thank you."

"Gracias, señor, it is always pleasurable to get positive feedback – I shall convey your satisfaction to the entire staff, whom I shall assemble in the ballroom especially for this purpose. You might not realise thees señor but I am personally a huge fan of your football-playing abilities as well as your fancy robot dancing – the staff will be very excited at your pleasure."

"Right... that's good... the thing is... I was wondering whether it might be possible for you to... forget that I stayed here?"

"Forget? Señor, surely you joke with me? I am as likely to forget this day as the time that Penelope Cruz (peace be upon her) walked past the entrance to the hotel in a small white dress."

"That's great, really great but, I really do need you to forget that I was here... for personal reasons."

"I am confused, señor... how can I forget one of the most important days in the history of our establishment?"

"I just need you to do that for me as a favour... a personal favour."

"Well, I will try, señor, but it ees going to be very difficult for me. Shall I also forget your wife who left here very early this morning in an even tighter dress than Penelope Cruz (peace be upon her) – you are a lucky man, señor, to have married such a sensual woman."

"Here's the thing... sorry, I don't know your name."

"Alfons, that is my name."

"OK, Alfons, mano a mano, the woman who left this morning was not my wife."

"Oh, OK, she ees your girlfriend, I apologise."

"No, she's not my girlfriend either, she was just a... special friend for an hour or so."

"Oh, OK I think you were husband because you were very friendly when you come in."

"Alfons, do I have to spell it out? There was, er, an arrangement."

"Oh.... I see... Oh! Forgive me, señor, if I am a little slow on the take-up, but there is no shame in thees, you are an athletic man with athletic needs. I will not judge you and neither will the hotel staff when I explain the situation in a couple of minutes once they are all assembled."

"Look... I appreciate that but the thing is... I have a girlfriend at home in England... we're going to be married."

"Congratulations, señor."

"Thank you... the thing is... if she finds out about my friend from last night, I am in trouble."

"Si señor, there is nothing more dangerous than an angry woman."

"Right so, that's why I want you to forget that I was here."

"That who was here, señor?"

"Forget that I was here."

"I was doing that, señor, that's why I said 'who?'"

"Oh, right, well done, Alfons."

"Thank you, sir. Sir I do not know or remember..."

"Great, Alfons, and would there be any way to remove my name from the register?"

"Remove your name, sir?"

"Yes, just change the name to something else, just in case journalists might try to find stuff out."

"Thees is not easy, señor. If I could do it, what name would you like me to change it to?"

"Anything, it doesn't matter."

"How about Meester Julio Bullwinkle?"

"Maybe not that name, that sounds fake."

"OK, what about Tom Cruise?"

"No, just an ordinary name like, John Smith."

"OK, señor, but that sounds a lot like someone using a false name."

"OK, I don't know, William, Jones."

"Better, but Jones is not good..."

"Look, I really don't care, just please can you change it to something else?"

"OK, I'm going to go with Julio Bullwinkle, I like thees."

"Fine, whatever, can you change it now?"

"No problem, Mr Bullwinkle, I think I can do thees as a special favour to you."

"Thank you, thank you so much, Alfons."

"Hey, no problem, Mr Bullwinkle – we are men and men understand each other, si?"

"Thank you."

"I will announce to the staff that they should all call you Mr Bullwinkle and not by your real name if anybody comes to ask."

"Couldn't you just not tell them about anything – keep it between ourselves?"

"Oh no, señor Bullwinkle, they are all very excited."

"Please, Alfons, it's very important to me, I love my fiancée very much and she is currently filming Britain's Best Hairdresser and I don't want her to get upset and blow her big break in television."

"You are a very romantic man, Mr Bullwinkle."

"Thank you, Alfons, I must go now as I'm meeting friends..."

"You are a hero to me, Mr Bullwinkle, adios."