Dom Joly: 'Señor Murray, why you wear women's clothing?'

"Oh for God's sake, Andy, give the bloody ball-hitting a rest for a day. You're getting obsessed..."

(GETTY)

Following on from my successful tapping of Tiger Woods' phone last week, I managed, this week, to persuade a guy to show me how to listen in on Andy Murray's mobile. If I'm honest, it's not been gripping stuff but it does give you a little look into the weird world of Britain's best tennis player while he played in Madrid.

Phone rings...

"Hello."

"Andy? Señor Andy Murray?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"Señor Murray, eees a pleasssure to talk to you, sir. You are a great tennis player, sigñor ... not as great as Rafael Nadal, the king of Majorca but steel ... you are very good..."

"Thank you ... sorry, who are you?"

"Who am I? I'm so sorry, how very rude of me, you must think I'm like a crazy person..."

"No ... but it's just I'm watching my Gavin and Stacey DVDs and then I'm going to hit a ball against a wall for nine hours so..."

"Esscuse me, señor Murray, eessccuse my impoliteness..."

"No problem..."

"OK ... señor Murray ... you remember maybe last week when you were in the restaurant of the hotel?"

"Uuhmmm ... sure, I go there every evening after I've hit the balls against the wall for nine hours... What about it?"

"And maybe, señor, you remember this particular night because you were wearing ladies' clothing. Somebody says that this was a ... how you say ... dare?"

"Oh ... yeah ... well, we just mess about a lot, you get bored on tour you know, so we often have forfeits and stuff, just for fun."

"Four feet? You have four feet? I no understand."

"No ... forfeits ... like a dare, a challenge... How did you get this number?"

"Señor, you remember maybe that evening when you dress like a lady for four feet, there was a family sitting a table next to you. We were having the very big paella; your friend, Miles ... he say that is biggest paella he has ever seen?"

"Yes ... yes, I do remember that but ... why are you telephoning me?"

"Señor ... thees ees very difficult for me as it ees a delicate subject. Sigñor, do you remember maybe at the table with the beeg paella was my wife, and my two sons?"

"Yes ... perhaps... I don't know, seriously sir, I need to go hit some balls against a wall, I have a big match coming up and I need to get into the zone. I've got an ice bath booked for six and then some hardcore massage. So, if you'll forgive me..."

"OK señor... Here ees the delicate situation ... my younger son, Felipe Speedy Gonzales de Riscal, was very upset by your wearing the ladees' clothing. He now does not understand why a man will dress like a woman and yet is a great tennis player ... not as great as Rafael Nadal of course, he is like a god to us... but steel he is very confused."

"What ... just tell him it was a joke and that I'm sorry. I really have to go now..."

"No señor, this will not do. I need you to meet with my son while you are wearing the gentleman clothes and explain to him that you were going to a costume party. You have unbalanced my son, señor, and thees is not a good thing."

"As I explained sir, I'm very busy and I'm sorry for upsetting your son, but it was just a joke and I really need to go now..."

"Señor Murray ... you leave me with no alternative but to challenge you to a duel. You have insulted the honour of my family. I wish to meet you now by the sweeming pool and we shall fight like men."

"What? This is insane... I'm going to contact the hotel management..."

"I weel see you by the pool, señor..."

The phone clicks and there is a beeping sound. We hear numbers being punched and then the phone is ringing again.

"Hello."

"Hey, it's Andy... I've got a bit of a situation here. Some Spanish guy wants to duel with me because I dressed like a woman... "

"What are you talking about?"

"Exactly what I said – when I wore that dress for the forfeit, this guy thinks I've upset his son and wants to fight me by the pool..."

"Jesus Christ..."

"Exactly..."

"No... I was thinking more that you lost that other forfeit yesterday, so you've got to run round the pool naked three times today... that might get a little tricky... but a forfeit's a forfeit. Don't leave, I'm coming over, I want to watch this."

"I've got to go hit balls against a wall..."

"Oh for God's sake, Andy, give the bloody ball-hitting a rest for a day. You're getting obsessed..."

First my my best friend starts to like football and now the game reduces the delectable Lily Allen to tears... Will it never stop?