Dom Joly: Shoemaker on pole in F1 pantomime

Weird World of Sport: Hamilton, having married all of the Pussycat Dolls, allowed Jennifer Button to take the title

Share
Related Topics

What a year 2009 has been in sport. In certain areas, it has been pretty much the same as any other year – a trip to America revealed that the endless basketball game that seems to be played continually on US TV is still going strong. As I flew back from Houston the score was 9,287,001 to 9,279,657 but it was still unclear which team would prevail. Nobody is exactly sure, but there is a strong theory that the game started in the "Hood" in about 1972 but TV did not actually pick it up until 1981. By then the scores were 2,956,672 to 3,100,234 so things have clearly swung the other way since it has been televised.

Similarly, back in the UK, very important, nay, crucial games of football seem to have been taking place almost nightly with pot-bellied men of a certain age worrying about the result in a way that made you doubt the clear fact that there would be another, equally important game on its way the following evening. The world of British football was nearly shaken to the core when Cristiano Ronaldo had a brief fling with Paris Hilton and she expressed an interest in buying the entire Premier League. Fortunately, she has the attention span of a guppy fish and went shoe shopping instead.

Tiger Woods' PR team, having managed to stem a building bad press, finally had a nervous breakdown and rang Tiger to tell him that they were all resigning to go and spend some more time with their families before Tiger did. The next day, the wall of silence was breached and the Tiger scandal hit the press.

It started with the birdies but soon papers had stories of Woods burning the wings of butterflies with a magnifying glass and hosting "kitten drowning" parties. As we approach 2010, things look very bad for Woods with rumours that a huge exposé is about to be printed linking him with Mark Thatcher and Simon Mann in the attempted overthrow of the government of Equatorial Guinea. Stories racing around bars in Durban say that Woods was to be actively involved in the coup and used the nom de guerre "Bad Mutha".

In Formula One there was far less heard of the popular Nazi orgy scene and a bit more about the racing. Lewis Hamilton, having married all of the Pussycat Dolls, moved with them to a fortified enclosure in Dubai to protect them from Tiger Woods. This obviously affected his racing and allowed showgirl Jennifer Button to take the title. This, in turn, angered an evil German Shoemaker, who vowed to return and kill Button. This storyline weirdly echoed the plot for this year's Puss in Boots at the Wimbledon Theatre starring Ross Kemp as the Shoemaker.

In cricket, England won the Ashes and everyone was urged to ring randomly a number in Sydney or Melbourne and laugh heartily down the phone. I was unfortunate in that I chose to ring Leo Sayer (who was deported to the island prison five years ago) and he took the opportunity to sing me his greatest hits.

In athletics, the phenomenon that is Usain Bolt went from strength to strength. Well know gambling billionaire Edward (the successful one from Jedward) paid for Bolt to be flown out to his Russian headquarters. There, Bolt raced a steam train, an ostrich on hallucinogens and the short thing in Top Gear driving a Range Rover Vogue. Bolt beat both the train and the short thing, but was attacked and savagely beaten by the ostrich.

Tennis fans' hopes for a British triumph at Wimbledon were once again blighted by Scot Andy Murray's debilitating Twitter habit. In the middle of a crucial point in the semi-final, Murray was distracted by a tweet from his coach informing him that he had lost a forfeit and was going to have to dress up as Charlie Chaplin for dinner. This seemed to put Murray off and he lost, leaving the way open for Swiss showman Tony Federer to win the tournament in front of Cilla Black and Cliff Richard.

It's been an incredible year but, of course, it will be an even more incredible one next year. I predict that Usain Bolt will break the sound barrier, the Shoemaker will be banned for using an oil slick and Freddy Flintoff will become the new face of Agent Provocateur after modelling a lacy thong in the shower on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!...

Dog days of winter

The Cotswolds have turned into one giant ice rink. Using a harness I have turned my two dogs into huskies. I'm off sale shopping, "mush, mush..."

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Guru Careers: Software Developer / C# Developer

£40-50K: Guru Careers: We are seeking an experienced Software / C# Developer w...

Guru Careers: Software Developer

£35 - 40k + Benefits: Guru Careers: We are seeking a Software Developer (JavaS...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant / Resourcer

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Commission: SThree: As a Trainee Recruitment Consu...

Ashdown Group: UI Developer - (UI, HTML, CSS, JavaScript, AngularJS)

£25000 - £40000 per annum: Ashdown Group: UI Developer - (UI, JavaScript, HTML...

Day In a Page

 

In Sickness and in Health: 'I'm really happy to be alive and to see Rebecca'

Rebecca Armstrong
Abuse - and the hell that came afterwards

Abuse - and the hell that follows

James Rhodes on the extraordinary legal battle to publish his memoir
Why we need a 'tranquility map' of England, according to campaigners

It's oh so quiet!

The case for a 'tranquility map' of England
'Timeless fashion': It may be a paradox, but the industry loves it

'Timeless fashion'

It may be a paradox, but the industry loves it
If the West needs a bridge to the 'moderates' inside Isis, maybe we could have done with Osama bin Laden staying alive after all

Could have done with Osama bin Laden staying alive?

Robert Fisk on the Fountainheads of World Evil in 2011 - and 2015
New exhibition celebrates the evolution of swimwear

Evolution of swimwear

From bathing dresses in the twenties to modern bikinis
Sun, sex and an anthropological study: One British academic's summer of hell in Magaluf

Sun, sex and an anthropological study

One academic’s summer of hell in Magaluf
From Shakespeare to Rising Damp... to Vicious

Frances de la Tour's 50-year triumph

'Rising Damp' brought De la Tour such recognition that she could be forgiven if she'd never been able to move on. But at 70, she continues to flourish - and to beguile
'That Whitsun, I was late getting away...'

Ian McMillan on the Whitsun Weddings

This weekend is Whitsun, and while the festival may no longer resonate, Larkin's best-loved poem, lives on - along with the train journey at the heart of it
Kathryn Williams explores the works and influences of Sylvia Plath in a new light

Songs from the bell jar

Kathryn Williams explores the works and influences of Sylvia Plath
How one man's day in high heels showed him that Cannes must change its 'no flats' policy

One man's day in high heels

...showed him that Cannes must change its 'flats' policy
Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

Dominic Rossi of Fidelity says his pressure on business to control rewards is working. But why aren’t other fund managers helping?
The King David Hotel gives precious work to Palestinians - unless peace talks are on

King David Hotel: Palestinians not included

The King David is special to Jerusalem. Nick Kochan checked in and discovered it has some special arrangements, too
More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years

End of the Aussie brain drain

More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years
Meditation is touted as a cure for mental instability but can it actually be bad for you?

Can meditation be bad for you?

Researching a mass murder, Dr Miguel Farias discovered that, far from bringing inner peace, meditation can leave devotees in pieces
Eurovision 2015: Australians will be cheering on their first-ever entrant this Saturday

Australia's first-ever Eurovision entrant

Australia, a nation of kitsch-worshippers, has always loved the Eurovision Song Contest. Maggie Alderson says it'll fit in fine