Dom Joly: Sir KP MP, knight in shining armour, at the service of a PM on a sticky wicket

Weird World of Sport: 'I could do the same for the economy as I do for cricket, storming out ofthe pavilion to sort everything out. You got a deficit? I'll just whack it out of the ground'
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The Independent Online

As is usual when the unusual happens and England actually win something, the political elite are quick to jump on the bandwagon and claim glory by association. Cricket, however, is a tricky one for an Old Etonian like David Cameron, a man who has tried so hard to downplay his innate poshness, to celebrate. Personally, I actually believe that, having pretended to like it for so long, Dave now probably does like football for real. Cricket is slightly less of a "man of the people" sport.

Nevertheless, an Ashes win is an Ashes win and it wasn't long before he was telling everyone how proud the country was of the team and, by osmosis, how wonderful he was for leading a country that could thrash the Aussies so soundly. What the rolling news world really needed to fill their airtime, however, was for the PM to have a bit of a recorded chat with the captain – "Straussy".

Unfortunately, when the PM called "Straussy's" mobile, the team were well into an alcoholic celebration and the shy and retiring Kevin Pietersen happened to pick the phone up.

"Hello Andrew..."

"Who the hell is this?"

"Uuhhmm Andrew, it's the Prime Minister here, just calling to congratulate you and the lads."

"Hop it, Piers Morgan, I can recognise your voice anywhere."

"No, this is David Cameron here. Is that Andrew?"

"You must think I was born yesterday, Morgan. Where are you, anyway? It's your round."

"Uuhhmm ... no, this is the Prime Minister and you're live on the BBC. Is that Andrew Strauss?"

"No, it's Charlie Chaplin – I thought you were busy with Oprah on CNN, Piers, what the hell do you want?

"Could I speak to Andrew Strauss please?"

"Is this really David Cameron?"

"Yes it is ... the Prime Minister. Who am I speaking to?"

"You're only speaking to Sir Kevin Pietersen ... get my hint, Dave?"

"Uuhhmm ... yes. Congratulations, Kevin, you chaps played out of your skins."

"What, are you having a laugh? Have you ever seen me play cricket before? Some of the boys played above average but I just did what comes natural – when you're in trouble who you gonna call?"

"Excellent work. Could I speak to Andrew?"

"I asked you a question, Dave."

"Sorry, what was the question?"

"I said, if you're in trouble, who you gonna call?"

"Uuhhmm ... I'm afraid I'm not quite following you. What sort of trouble?"

"I can't hear you. Who you gonna call?"

"I don't know. Ghostbusters? It's not a great line, Kevin, I might have to call back."

"Ghostbusters? Get into the 21st century, Dave, my man. When you're in trouble you call the KP.

"OK, seriously – let's talk turkey. What do I need to do to get knighted, Dave? Let's face it, I'm the big talent in this team and big talent deserves big presents. I like the sound of Sir Kevin – what about you?"

"It really is not a very good line, Sir Kevin ... Kevin. I might have to call you back at a better time. You must be very busy."

"Never too busy to talk to the big man – in fact, I've got some pretty interesting ideas on the economy myself. Maybe you should call me in as some sort of troubleshooter? I could do the same for the economy as I do for cricket. Just as everybody is going down the pan, here comes KP storming out of the pavilion ready to sort everything out. You got a deficit? Sod that, I'll just whack it out of the ground. You got some terrorists threatening our shores? I'll whack them back to Arabia."

"Well, it's been great talking to you, Kevin, and if you could pass my congratulations on to the team and if you could ask Andrew to give me a call when he has a moment..."

"Why the hell would you need to talk to Straussy? Ask me anything you need – shoot."

"No, I don't need anything – just because he's the captain..."

"He's only captain because of me – I wanted to retire and concentrate on my brilliance – captaincy just gets in the way. I'd quite fancy being an MP as it happens. How much does it pay?"

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