Dom Joly: Spot-fixing had the cricket world stumped but not me and my scanner

Weird World of Sport: 'Listen, we need to come to an agreement about what might be occurring in your big game...'

Share
Related Topics

News that dastardly gambling syndicates have possibly been nobbling international cricket matches came as a shock to some. Not for me, however – using my phone scanner I have been listening to these super-criminals hatch their cunning plans for years. Here's one I recorded some time back.

"Hello."

"Yeah, hello, it's Little Mo from Lahore, how you doing, bro?"

"Doing good, bro, I thank you."

"Cool. Listen, we need to come to an agreement about what might or might not be occurring in your big game this Sunday."

"What... the Test match?"

"Shhhhhhhh, bro... people might be listening... just keep it random... you get me?"

"Yes... sorry... so this Sunday, what do you need?"

"I need you to... step over the line... in the third of the fifth."

"Sorry, bro... the what?"

"The third of the fifth, bro."

"You mean overs?"

"Keep it random, bro... da Blofelds are listening..."

"Sure... sorry. bro. but I'm really not sure what it is you're asking me. When you say step over the line... are you meaning... like the boundary line?"

"No, bro... I mean when you be slingin' da object towards da wood."

"What?"

"Holy intifada, bro, are you fick or what?"

"Sorry, but you're really not being that clear, bro, and I don't want to get the wrong thing. I heard what happened to A in Sydney... that wasn't pretty, bro.'"

"Listen, I believe him falling off the top of Sydney Harbour Bridge was a terrible accident, bro... but he did do silly stuff... you get me?"

"What did he actually do, bro?"

"As I said, bro, I can't be too specific, but let's just say he misunderstood certain instructions and ended up losing some of our friends a lot of greenery..."

"Greenery?"

"Holy swimwear, batsman... do I have to spell everything out, bro? Spondoolee, turtlebacks, bread... cabbage... whatever, bro, you get me?"

"No..."

"It doesn't matter – all you need to do is step over that line on the third of the fifth."

"Right... just so we're clear, you're talking about a yes-ball, right?"

"The opposite bro."

"I know... I was using code. Even if da Blofelds are listening they'd need an Enigmatic machine to crack it, bro."

"Enigma machine, bro... it was an Enigma machine."

"I know, bro, I was using code again..."

Oh... right... so we're clear, right? A yes-ball in the third of the fifth."

"Right... my fifth... or the game fifth?"

"What?"

"Do you want me to jump da line in the third of my fifth or the fifth... thing we're talking about... of the innings?"

"No, bro... the third one of your fifth thing we're talking about."

"Sorry, bro, but what if I'm put on by the big man for three things and then taken off and then he puts me back on a bit later? When I'm back on later – does my second thing count as the fifth or do I start again?"

"It's just the fifth thing whether or not the big man has kept you on or taken you off."

"Right... thanks, bro. Sorry, just one more thing because I really want to get this right, bro, and not let you down. Let's just say that I come on for three things, then go off for a bit, then come back on, do one more thing and then at the start of my second thing, which is actually my fifth, I do a wide thing by accident."

"Sorry, what the hell are you talking about, brother?"

"Well... if you follow my argument, bro – I've thrown a wide thing on, say the second thing of the fifth thing right... that means that the white Dickie Bird is going to add an extra thing to the fifth thing..."

"And?"

"And, bro, that means, is my third thing actually still the third thing or one more?"

"I think I get you, bro... that is actually a good point that I have not considered... I think the answer is just to make sure that the first two things are kosher and not wide things or stuff. Keep it legal, bro, you're a professional."

"I'll do my best, bro. I won't let you down."

"That's good, that's good."

"How are things otherwise, bro? Family good and stuff?"

"Yes thank you, bro, all good. You're a good man, bro, let me give you a little tip straight from the mule's mouth – make yourself a little spending material."

"That would be wicked bro."

"Right... you got a pen?"

"Yes, bro."

"When you run on to the grass on Sunday – maybe you could take a tumble on the steps of the big tea-house."

"Sorry, bro, the big tea-house?"

"The vermilion, bro."

"The what?"

"Forget it, bro, stick to the original plan – don't let me down."

"No worries, bro... laters..."

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

C#.NET Developer

£500 per day: Harrington Starr: C#.NET Developer C#, WPF, WCF, ASP.NET, Prism...

Creche Assistant or Nursery Nurse

£8 per hour: Randstad Education Leeds: The Job Creche Assistant to start asap ...

Nursery Nurse Level 3

£8 per hour: Randstad Education Leeds: The Job Nursery Nurse Leeds We are now ...

Web Developer/UI Developer (HTML5, CSS3,Jquery) London

£55000 - £65000 per annum: Harrington Starr: A Global Financial Service Organi...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Ashya King's father explained why he took his son to Spain in a video uploaded to YouTube  

Ashya King: Breakdown in relations leads to this PR fiasco

Paul Peachey
Jim Murphy, Shadow Secretary of State for International Development holds a carton of eggs during a speech to Better Together supporters  

When the course of history is on the line, democracy is a raw, vicious and filthy business

Matthew Norman
'I’ll tell you what I would not serve - lamb and potatoes': US ambassador hits out at stodgy British food served at diplomatic dinners

'I’ll tell you what I would not serve - lamb and potatoes'

US ambassador hits out at stodgy British food
Radio Times female powerlist: A 'revolution' in TV gender roles

A 'revolution' in TV gender roles

Inside the Radio Times female powerlist
Endgame: James Frey's literary treasure hunt

James Frey's literary treasure hunt

Riddling trilogy could net you $3m
Fitbit: Because the tingle feels so good

Fitbit: Because the tingle feels so good

What David Sedaris learnt about the world from his fitness tracker
Saudis risk new Muslim division with proposal to move Mohamed’s tomb

Saudis risk new Muslim division with proposal to move Mohamed’s tomb

Second-holiest site in Islam attracts millions of pilgrims each year
Alexander Fury: The designer names to look for at fashion week this season

The big names to look for this fashion week

This week, designers begin to show their spring 2015 collections in New York
Will Self: 'I like Orwell's writing as much as the next talented mediocrity'

'I like Orwell's writing as much as the next talented mediocrity'

Will Self takes aim at Orwell's rules for writing plain English
Meet Afghanistan's middle-class paint-ballers

Meet Afghanistan's middle-class paint-ballers

Toy guns proving a popular diversion in a country flooded with the real thing
Al Pacino wows Venice

Al Pacino wows Venice

Ham among the brilliance as actor premieres two films at festival
Neil Lawson Baker interview: ‘I’ve gained so much from art. It’s only right to give something back’.

Neil Lawson Baker interview

‘I’ve gained so much from art. It’s only right to give something back’.
The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

Wife of President Robert Mugabe appears to have her sights set on succeeding her husband
The model of a gadget launch: Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed

The model for a gadget launch

Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed
Alice Roberts: She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

Alice Roberts talks about her new book on evolution - and why her early TV work drew flak from (mostly male) colleagues
Get well soon, Joan Rivers - an inspiration, whether she likes it or not

Get well soon, Joan Rivers

She is awful. But she's also wonderful, not in spite of but because of the fact she's forever saying appalling things, argues Ellen E Jones
Doctor Who Into the Dalek review: A classic sci-fi adventure with all the spectacle of a blockbuster

A fresh take on an old foe

Doctor Who Into the Dalek more than compensated for last week's nonsensical offering