Dom Joly: The women wore wedding gowns and the men wept

Share
Related Topics

I woke up to a village with no bunting, so I presumed that we weren't having a street party, which was a relief. I headed off out to the shops to buy a couple of bottles of Scotch ready to settle down in front of the telly to decide which was the worst location given to a BBC correspondent. No such luck – I got home only to find the family in the other car, waiting for me. Apparently we were due at a royal wedding party, and I had been told about it several times in the past week. I snuck the whisky into the boot and slunk in to the car.

The neighbour's house had been covered in so much bunting that I feared for its structural integrity. We entered what I can only describe as a hell-zone. All the other guests had come wearing tails or their original wedding dresses. The kids were dressed as though for some Little Lord Fauntleroy themed fancy dress event. My whole family froze in the doorway. I hoped this meant that we were going to turn and run. No such luck. I was informed that they were returning home to get changed into something more ludicrous while I was told to stay and "mingle".

I was in shorts, a T-shirt, and hobbling on my bionic boot, thanks to my fractured foot. I must have looked like one of Prince Harry's dodgier friends – one of the ones that were subtly disinvited, along with the Syrian Ambassador. I sat down in an empty room watching more and more obscure members of the BBC presenting community attempt to keep things exciting. When I got to Matt Allwright from Rogue Traders interviewing a lookalike Kate and William I went in search of a whisky. In the kitchen two women were slow-dancing in their wedding dresses like drunken meringues fantasising over somehow re-living their lives and bagging the ginger prince. I squeezed past as one started weeping and found the Scotch.

Slipping out of the back door, I sat next to a depressed-looking man in tails who kept saying that his wife looked better now than she had when he'd married her. The fact that she was wearing her wedding dress really rubbed this in. It didn't seem like a problem to me. It was for him: she was apparently having a steamy affair with a man she had originally hired as their "manny". I kept my views on "mannies" to myself and offered him a drink, but it turned out that he was a recovering alcoholic too. I left him muttering to himself, and went back inside.

In the television room, people were watching a man in a crazy hat being interviewed about his crazy hat. Unsurprisingly, the man with the crazy hat turned out to be crazier than his hat. The hapless reporter who had decided to interview the crazy-hat man live was now struggling to understand a single word. I managed to make out "toothbrush", "Harley Davidson" and "Mama" before the director cut to a crazy-haired Fearne Cotton who was trying to get anything intelligible out of three potential car thieves. The BBC had seriously decided to go freestyle with their roving reporters this year. I fully expected them to cut to Peaches Geldof discussing philosophy with Basil Brush in Hyde Park.

While we waited for the balcony kiss, lunch was served. We ate British beef off Union flag plates before some Union flag cupcakes were handed round and we all trooped back in to see if they would use tongues. The Royal Family assembled on the balcony, the crowd roared, "Kiss! Kiss!" and finally William gave Kate a chaste peck on the outer lips. It makes you proud to be British.





React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Legal Secretary

£17000 - £17800 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity to work ...

Recruitment Genius: Ad Ops Manager - Up to £55K + great benefits

£45000 - £55000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company is a digital speci...

The Green Recruitment Company: Operations Manager - Anaerobic Digestion / Biogas

£40000 - £45000 Per Annum: The Green Recruitment Company: Job Title: Operation...

Recruitment Genius: Implementation Consultant

£40000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This global leading software co...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Daily catch-up: How much difference does the wording of a referendum question make?

John Rentoul
 

An unelectable extremist who hijacked their party has already served as prime minister – her name was Margaret Thatcher

Jacques Peretti
Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea
Tunisia fears its Arab Spring could be reversed as the new regime becomes as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor

The Arab Spring reversed

Tunisian protesters fear that a new law will whitewash corrupt businessmen and officials, but they are finding that the new regime is becoming as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor
King Arthur: Legendary figure was real and lived most of his life in Strathclyde, academic claims

Academic claims King Arthur was real - and reveals where he lived

Dr Andrew Breeze says the legendary figure did exist – but was a general, not a king
Who is Oliver Bonas and how has he captured middle-class hearts?

Who is Oliver Bonas?

It's the first high-street store to pay its staff the living wage, and it saw out the recession in style
Earth has 'lost more than half its trees' since humans first started cutting them down

Axe-wielding Man fells half the world’s trees – leaving us just 422 each

However, the number of trees may be eight times higher than previously thought
60 years of Scalextric: Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones

60 years of Scalextric

Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones
Theme parks continue to draw in thrill-seekers despite the risks - so why are we so addicted?

Why are we addicted to theme parks?

Now that Banksy has unveiled his own dystopian version, Christopher Beanland considers the ups and downs of our endless quest for amusement
Tourism in Iran: The country will soon be opening up again after years of isolation

Iran is opening up again to tourists

After years of isolation, Iran is reopening its embassies abroad. Soon, there'll be the chance for the adventurous to holiday there
10 best PS4 games

10 best PS4 games

Can’t wait for the new round of blockbusters due out this autumn? We played through last year’s offering
Transfer window: Ten things we learnt

Ten things we learnt from the transfer window

Record-breaking spending shows FFP restraint no longer applies
Migrant crisis: UN official Philippe Douste-Blazy reveals the harrowing sights he encountered among refugees arriving on Lampedusa

‘Can we really just turn away?’

Dead bodies, men drowning, women miscarrying – a senior UN figure on the horrors he has witnessed among migrants arriving on Lampedusa, and urges politicians not to underestimate our caring nature
Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger as Isis ravages centuries of history

Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger...

... and not just because of Isis vandalism
Girl on a Plane: An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack

Girl on a Plane

An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack
Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

The author of 'The Day of the Jackal' has revealed he spied for MI6 while a foreign correspondent