Dom Joly: Vitamin highs, turkey lows, and a nice, cool Bellini

Related Topics

My UK tour rolls on (19 down, 51 to go) and I'm seriously starting to flag. A two-hour show every night really takes it out of you. The highs and lows of adrenaline leave me on my knees so I have been experimenting with (so far) legal products to assist my energy levels on stage.

My first choice was both obvious and pleasurable: alcohol. I started off with a daily Bellini rider (champagne and white peach juice) and this had a lovely kick-start effect and I was on fire. But the cumulative result of getting pleasurably smashed every night started to catch up with me and I couldn't carry on.

I tried beer next – but that made me aggressive towards the audience. I started to pick fights and ask people in the front row "What are you looking at?" and accuse them of spilling my pint and inquiring whether they'd like to "go outside and sort it out".

In Edinburgh, I upgraded to a bottle of quality red wine and a lovely meal with my wife before going on. It had the effect of Mogadon – I felt like Alan Clark delivering a slurry speech in the House of Commons. As it turned out, the entire Edinburgh audience was very drunk and we all ended up shouting slurry things at each other in an affectionate manner. Despite this, I came to the conclusion that alcohol is not the comedian's friend on stage.

Then I started developing a quite serious Red Bull problem: about six cans before going on stage. This is roughly the equivalent of about 800 espressos and I'd bounce around the stage like Zebedee from The Magic Roundabout and didn't sleep for days.

My techie guy, Ollie, then suggested a South American vitamin drink. Ollie had toured with Charlie Boorman, who apparently swore by the stuff. It seemed to work at first, but then I began to hallucinate and all of the good people of Derby turned into purple lizards that I had to fight off as their tongues were attacking me. It was a most peculiar gig – rather enjoyable, actually, even though I remember nothing of it whatsoever, except for the moment that a giant condor descended and took me high up into the Andes to its nest.

At this moment, my tour manager stepped in and banned me from taking any more. She also strongly advised me against eating turkey. This was a bit left field, but she swore that truck drivers are not allowed to eat it as it contains an enzyme that makes you drowsy. I had never heard of this, but it might explain why everyone falls asleep after Christmas lunch (apart from in my house where I lace it with diazepam so that it all ends as quickly as possible).

I'm weirdly fascinated by this snoozy turkey theory. You never heard Bernard Matthews talking about this particular side-effect. Next time I go to a truckers' pit-stop (I don't go that often, to be honest) I'm going to talk loudly about my huge "rig" outside and then try to order a turkey club and see what happens.

On my tour, I've calmed down a little and am now restricted to a bottle of fizzy water and some sushi. Occasionally, if I'm feeling really wild, I'll have a bottle of beer, but I try to remember that the audience is looking at me because it's a gig and not because they want a fight. It's not very rock'n'roll, but I like it.

Ah well, there's always the post-tour period where I go home, get hooked on heroin, discover Eastern religion and end up in the Priory.

Dom appears in Salisbury tonight, and Farnham, Crawley, Durham and Darlington later this week

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

IT Project Manager

Competitive: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client based in Chelmsford a...

Business Intelligence Specialist - work from home

£40000 per annum: Ashdown Group: An established and growing IT Consultancy fir...

Business Intelligence Specialist - work from home

£40000 per annum: Ashdown Group: An established and growing IT Consultancy fir...

IT Manager

£40000 - £45000 per annum + pension, healthcare,25 days: Ashdown Group: An est...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Nigel Farage has urged supporters to buy Mike Read's Ukip Calypso song and push it up to the No 1 spot  

Mike Read’s Ukip calypso is mesmerisingly atrocious — but it's not racist

Matthew Norman
Shirley Shackleton, wife of late journalist Gregory Shackleton, sits next to the grave of the 'Balibo Five' in Jakarta, in 2010  

Letter from Asia: The battle for the truth behind five journalists’ deaths in Indonesia

Andrew Buncombe
Indiana serial killer? Man arrested for murdering teenage prostitute confesses to six other murders - and police fear there could be many more

A new American serial killer?

Police fear man arrested for murder of teen prostitute could be responsible for killing spree dating back 20 years
Sweetie, the fake 10-year-old girl designed to catch online predators, claims her first scalp

Sting to trap paedophiles may not carry weight in UK courts

Computer image of ‘Sweetie’ represented entrapment, experts say
Fukushima nuclear crisis: Evacuees still stuck in cramped emergency housing three years on - and may never return home

Return to Fukushima – a land they will never call home again

Evacuees still stuck in cramped emergency housing three years on from nuclear disaster
Wildlife Photographer of the Year: Intimate image of resting lions claims top prize

Wildlife Photographer of the Year

Intimate image of resting lions claims top prize
Online petitions: Sign here to change the world

Want to change the world? Just sign here

The proliferation of online petitions allows us to register our protests at the touch of a button. But do they change anything?
Ed Sheeran hits back after being labelled too boring to headline festivals

'You need me, I don’t need you'

Ed Sheeran hits back after being labelled too boring to headline festivals
How to Get Away with Murder: Shonda Rhimes reinvents the legal drama

How to Get Away with Murder

Shonda Rhimes reinvents the legal drama
A cup of tea is every worker's right

Hard to swallow

Three hospitals in Leicester have banned their staff from drinking tea and coffee in public areas. Christopher Hirst explains why he thinks that a cuppa is every worker's right
Which animals are nearly extinct?

Which animals are nearly extinct?

Conservationists in Kenya are in mourning after the death of a white northern rhino, which has left the species with a single male. These are the other species on the brink
12 best children's shoes

Perfect for leaf-kicking: 12 best children's shoes

Find footwear perfect to keep kids' feet protected this autumn
Anderlecht vs Arsenal: Gunners' ray of light Aaron Ramsey shines again

Arsenal’s ray of light ready to shine again

Aaron Ramsey’s injury record has prompted a club investigation. For now, the midfielder is just happy to be fit to face Anderlecht in the Champions League
Comment: David Moyes' show of sensitivity thrown back in his face by former Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson

Moyes’ show of sensitivity thrown back in his face... by Ferguson

Manchester United legend tramples on successor who resisted criticising his inheritance
Two super-sized ships have cruised into British waters, but how big can these behemoths get?

Super-sized ships: How big can they get?

Two of the largest vessels in the world cruised into UK waters last week
British doctors on brink of 'cure' for paralysis with spinal cord treatment

British doctors on brink of cure for paralysis

Sufferers can now be offered the possibility of cure thanks to a revolutionary implant of regenerative cells
Ranked seventh in world’s best tourist cities - not London, or Edinburgh, but Salisbury

Lonely Planet’s Best in Travel 2015

UK city beats Vienna, Paris and New York to be ranked seventh in world’s best tourist destinations - but it's not London