Dom Joly: Vitamin highs, turkey lows, and a nice, cool Bellini

Share
Related Topics

My UK tour rolls on (19 down, 51 to go) and I'm seriously starting to flag. A two-hour show every night really takes it out of you. The highs and lows of adrenaline leave me on my knees so I have been experimenting with (so far) legal products to assist my energy levels on stage.

My first choice was both obvious and pleasurable: alcohol. I started off with a daily Bellini rider (champagne and white peach juice) and this had a lovely kick-start effect and I was on fire. But the cumulative result of getting pleasurably smashed every night started to catch up with me and I couldn't carry on.

I tried beer next – but that made me aggressive towards the audience. I started to pick fights and ask people in the front row "What are you looking at?" and accuse them of spilling my pint and inquiring whether they'd like to "go outside and sort it out".

In Edinburgh, I upgraded to a bottle of quality red wine and a lovely meal with my wife before going on. It had the effect of Mogadon – I felt like Alan Clark delivering a slurry speech in the House of Commons. As it turned out, the entire Edinburgh audience was very drunk and we all ended up shouting slurry things at each other in an affectionate manner. Despite this, I came to the conclusion that alcohol is not the comedian's friend on stage.

Then I started developing a quite serious Red Bull problem: about six cans before going on stage. This is roughly the equivalent of about 800 espressos and I'd bounce around the stage like Zebedee from The Magic Roundabout and didn't sleep for days.

My techie guy, Ollie, then suggested a South American vitamin drink. Ollie had toured with Charlie Boorman, who apparently swore by the stuff. It seemed to work at first, but then I began to hallucinate and all of the good people of Derby turned into purple lizards that I had to fight off as their tongues were attacking me. It was a most peculiar gig – rather enjoyable, actually, even though I remember nothing of it whatsoever, except for the moment that a giant condor descended and took me high up into the Andes to its nest.

At this moment, my tour manager stepped in and banned me from taking any more. She also strongly advised me against eating turkey. This was a bit left field, but she swore that truck drivers are not allowed to eat it as it contains an enzyme that makes you drowsy. I had never heard of this, but it might explain why everyone falls asleep after Christmas lunch (apart from in my house where I lace it with diazepam so that it all ends as quickly as possible).

I'm weirdly fascinated by this snoozy turkey theory. You never heard Bernard Matthews talking about this particular side-effect. Next time I go to a truckers' pit-stop (I don't go that often, to be honest) I'm going to talk loudly about my huge "rig" outside and then try to order a turkey club and see what happens.

On my tour, I've calmed down a little and am now restricted to a bottle of fizzy water and some sushi. Occasionally, if I'm feeling really wild, I'll have a bottle of beer, but I try to remember that the audience is looking at me because it's a gig and not because they want a fight. It's not very rock'n'roll, but I like it.

Ah well, there's always the post-tour period where I go home, get hooked on heroin, discover Eastern religion and end up in the Priory.





Dom appears in Salisbury tonight, and Farnham, Crawley, Durham and Darlington later this week

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Sales Executive or Senior Sales Executive - B2B Exhibitions

£18000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Sales Executive or Senior Sal...

Recruitment Genius: Head of Support Services

£40000 - £55000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: Warehouse Team Leader

£22000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This industry leading company produces h...

Recruitment Genius: Business Development Manager / Sales - OTE £40,000

£20000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This IT provider for the educat...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Flowers and candles are placed at the site where a refrigerated truck with decomposing bodies was found by an Austrian motorway  

EU migrant crisis: The 71 people found dead in a lorry should have reached sanctuary

Charlotte Mcdonald-Gibson
Ablaze: Forest fires threaten homes near Camarillo, California in 2013  

Climate change: A 'pause' in global warming? Not on this evidence

Steve Connor
The Silk Roads that trace civilisation: Long before the West rose to power, Asian pathways were connecting peoples and places

The Silk Roads that trace civilisation

Long before the West rose to power, Asian pathways were connecting peoples and places
House of Lords: Outcry as donors, fixers and MPs caught up in expenses scandal are ennobled

The honours that shame Britain

Outcry as donors, fixers and MPs caught up in expenses scandal are ennobled
When it comes to street harassment, we need to talk about race

'When it comes to street harassment, we need to talk about race'

Why are black men living the stereotypes and why are we letting them get away with it?
International Tap Festival: Forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers - this dancing is improvised, spontaneous and rhythmic

International Tap Festival comes to the UK

Forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers - this dancing is improvised, spontaneous and rhythmic
War with Isis: Is Turkey's buffer zone in Syria a matter of self-defence – or just anti-Kurd?

Turkey's buffer zone in Syria: self-defence – or just anti-Kurd?

Ankara accused of exacerbating racial division by allowing Turkmen minority to cross the border
Doris Lessing: Acclaimed novelist was kept under MI5 observation for 18 years, newly released papers show

'A subversive brothel keeper and Communist'

Acclaimed novelist Doris Lessing was kept under MI5 observation for 18 years, newly released papers show
Big Blue Live: BBC's Springwatch offshoot swaps back gardens for California's Monterey Bay

BBC heads to the Californian coast

The Big Blue Live crew is preparing for the first of three episodes on Sunday night, filming from boats, planes and an aquarium studio
Austin Bidwell: The Victorian fraudster who shook the Bank of England with the most daring forgery the world had known

Victorian fraudster who shook the Bank of England

Conman Austin Bidwell. was a heartless cad who carried out the most daring forgery the world had known
Car hacking scandal: Security designed to stop thieves hot-wiring almost every modern motor has been cracked

Car hacking scandal

Security designed to stop thieves hot-wiring almost every modern motor has been cracked
10 best placemats

Take your seat: 10 best placemats

Protect your table and dine in style with a bold new accessory
Ashes 2015: Alastair Cook not the only one to be caught in The Oval mindwarp

Cook not the only one to be caught in The Oval mindwarp

Aussie skipper Michael Clarke was lured into believing that what we witnessed at Edgbaston and Trent Bridge would continue in London, says Kevin Garside
Can Rafael Benitez get the best out of Gareth Bale at Real Madrid?

Can Benitez get the best out of Bale?

Back at the club he watched as a boy, the pressure is on Benitez to find a winning blend from Real's multiple talents. As La Liga begins, Pete Jenson asks if it will be enough to stop Barcelona
Athletics World Championships 2015: Beijing witnesses new stage in the Jessica Ennis-Hill and Katarina Johnson-Thompson heptathlon rivalry

Beijing witnesses new stage in the Jess and Kat rivalry

The last time the two British heptathletes competed, Ennis-Hill was on the way to Olympic gold and Johnson-Thompson was just a promising teenager. But a lot has happened in the following three years
Jeremy Corbyn: Joining a shrewd operator desperate for power as he visits the North East

Jeremy Corbyn interview: A shrewd operator desperate for power

His radical anti-austerity agenda has caught the imagination of the left and politically disaffected and set a staid Labour leadership election alight
Isis executes Palmyra antiquities chief: Defender of ancient city's past was killed for protecting its future

Isis executes Palmyra antiquities chief

Robert Fisk on the defender of the ancient city's past who was killed for protecting its future