It's open season on us ex-townies in the country. But I'm ready...

Share

Something's going on in the village. You develop a sixth sense down here. There's some sort of survival gene buried deep in us all, and mine's currently on status red. I suppose it's one of the reasons that I like the country: you're forced to rely on your survival instincts. The problem might have something to do with hunting being banned - but that's carrying on anyway.

Something's going on in the village. You develop a sixth sense down here. There's some sort of survival gene buried deep in us all, and mine's currently on status red. I suppose it's one of the reasons that I like the country: you're forced to rely on your survival instincts. The problem might have something to do with hunting being banned - but that's carrying on anyway.

It must be a bit depressing to have your sport made illegal unless you have fox relatives, but to insist on carrying on "sort of" hunting must be really weird. It would be like someone making tennis a crime and die-hards still getting dressed up, fine-tuning their rackets and meeting for Pimms and a knock-about at old Carruthers' grass court. The only difference would be the fact that they wouldn't use a ball. Just wave their rackets around in an elaborate Lindsay Kempish mime representation of what a good game would have been like had it been legal and they were using a ball.

Whatever the reason, the natives are restless and it is all too apparent. It always starts with the foreigners, easy targets for mindless thuggery. Apparently some poor guy from Dorset was wandering around Bibury, his ironed jeans advertising his roots. They found him buried up to his neck in the lower field. Someone had drawn a Hitler moustache on his face, and he was smeared in Marmite.

Like the first distant rumblings of the Mau Mau drummers, we ex-townies are feeling that we might be next on the list. Liz Hurley's got her boyfriend to erect a large watch-tower in her garden and he takes the night shift sweeping the spotlight over the roofs of their slumbering village. Some think that they're being a bit paranoid but I think they're spot-on. There are rumours that Billy Connolly is moving in nearby. This is good news. I don't have time for the purple beard, but he's clearly a man who understands the finer points of home defence.

I've slipped his builder a calling card and a bloody reasonable offer to go halves on a couple of car-mounted flamethrowers that I've had imported from South Africa, where they've been very effective in reducing car-jackers to a burnt crisp. I'm longing to get into Burford and try them out on the squeegee merchant who hangs around the bridge traffic lights.

Ever since my shotgun trap winged the man who's been crapping in my garden I haven't smelt the merest whiff of poo in my begonias. It's the only language they understand. I have a couple of planning applications in with the Cotswolds council that should allay any local misconceptions that I'm an easy target. Unbelievably, I had to actually go in and explain to the ignorant panel what a "barraka" was. Their knowledge of early Crusader history was shocking, but I enjoyed explaining the effect of hot oil poured through ready-made stone holes on to the invading hordes below. I could see that they were impressed just by the stunned silence in the room. When I moved on to the underground cable laying that I needed to complete the "killfence" I could see that they realised they were dealing with a pro. That's the problem with technology. Even if you're ahead of the game you always end up having to wait for the catch-up merchants.

I was in the gun shop yesterday holding court about stuff I'd bagged when some guy suggested I do a reality TV show like Ted Nugent did. I missed his show but it apparently involved Ted slaughtering various wild animals in front of shocked Los Angelinos. I don't think that the animal angle would work here but if we could nick the idea and kick-start that minor celebrity Forest-Hunt Relief thing I was thinking about, we might have a green light. Got to go, Channel Five on the phone.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Project Coordinator

£28000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Project Coordinator is requir...

Recruitment Genius: Area Sales Manager - Midlands

£20000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: PHP Developer - 3-4 Month Fixed Contract - £30-£35k pro rata

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a 3-4 month pro rata fi...

Recruitment Genius: Telesales Executive - OTE £26,000+

£16000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Telesales Executive is requir...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Don’t pity me for eating alone, just give me a better table

Rosie Millard
Aerial view of planned third runway at Heathrow  

Heathrow expansion: This final 'conclusion' has simply fanned the airport flames

Chris Blackhurst
Seifeddine Rezgui: What motivated a shy student to kill 38 holidaymakers in Tunisia?

Making of a killer

What motivated a shy student to kill 38 holidaymakers in Tunisia?
UK Heatwave: Temperatures on the tube are going to exceed the legal limit for transporting cattle

Just when you thought your commute couldn't get any worse...

Heatwave will see temperatures on the Tube exceed legal limit for transporting cattle
Exclusive - The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: Swapping Bucharest for London

The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

Meet the man who swapped Romania for the UK in a bid to provide for his family, only to discover that the home he left behind wasn't quite what it seemed
Cheaper energy on the way, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows

Cheaper energy on the way, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows

Solar power will help bring down electricity prices over the next five years, according to a new report. But it’s cheap imports of ‘dirty power’ that will lower them the most
Katy Perry prevented from buying California convent for $14.5m after nuns sell to local businesswoman instead

No grace of God for Katy Perry as sisters act to stop her buying convent

Archdiocese sues nuns who turned down star’s $14.5m because they don’t approve of her
Ajmer: The ancient Indian metropolis chosen to be a 'smart city' where residents would just be happy to have power and running water

Residents just want water and power in a city chosen to be a ‘smart’ metropolis

The Indian Government has launched an ambitious plan to transform 100 of its crumbling cities
Michael Fassbender in 'Macbeth': The Scottish play on film, from Welles to Cheggers

Something wicked?

Films of Macbeth don’t always end well - just ask Orson Welles... and Keith Chegwin
10 best sun creams for body

10 best sun creams for body

Make sure you’re protected from head to toe in the heatwave
Wimbledon 2015: Nick Bollettieri - Milos Raonic has ability to get to the top but he must learn to handle pressure in big games

Nick Bollettieri's Wimbledon files

Milos Raonic has ability to get to the top but he must learn to handle pressure in big games
Women's World Cup 2015: How England's semi-final success could do wonders for both sexes

There is more than a shiny trophy to be won by England’s World Cup women

The success of the decidedly non-famous females wearing the Three Lions could do wonders for a ‘man’s game’ riddled with cynicism and greed
How to stop an asteroid hitting Earth: Would people co-operate to face down a global peril?

How to stop an asteroid hitting Earth

Would people cooperate to face a global peril?
Just one day to find €1.6bn: Greece edges nearer euro exit

One day to find €1.6bn

Greece is edging inexorably towards an exit from the euro
New 'Iron Man' augmented reality technology could help surgeons and firefighters, say scientists

'Iron Man' augmented reality technology could become reality

Holographic projections would provide extra information on objects in a person's visual field in real time
Sugary drinks 'are killing 184,000 adults around the world every year'

Sugary drinks are killing 184,000 adults around the world every year

The drinks that should be eliminated from people's diets
Pride of Place: Historians map out untold LGBT histories of locations throughout UK

Historians map out untold LGBT histories

Public are being asked to help improve the map