Liz Hurley will have to think twice before sneaking into my garden

Share

I'm feeling really guilty. He's sitting outside on a chain staring up at me with his big dumb trusting eyes. I'm up in the sniper tower with a great view over the whole property. How can I tell him that just a hundred metres away over the mouldy green Cotswold stone wall that surrounds the rose garden, Stacey is busy laying lines of electric cable with the sole intention of electrocuting him?

I'm feeling really guilty. He's sitting outside on a chain staring up at me with his big dumb trusting eyes. I'm up in the sniper tower with a great view over the whole property. How can I tell him that just a hundred metres away over the mouldy green Cotswold stone wall that surrounds the rose garden, Stacey is busy laying lines of electric cable with the sole intention of electrocuting him?

Things are getting really serious with Huxley the Houdini dog. He has now escaped from the property five times in the last three days. He can seemingly unlock doors, climb seven-foot walls, he's probably got a rope ladder stashed under the boards in his kennel.

According to neighbours our lovely, quiet, kind dog becomes a monster the moment he gets out, terrorising children, tossing cats about and even blocking traffic in nearby Fairford. Every time the phone rings we wince as one of us has to brave the braying wrath of a tweedy lady hurling abuse at us and threatening to call the police.

So a couple of days ago as Huxley lay peacefully in front of the fire snoozing away, dreaming no doubt, of all the lady dogs he would impress the next time he went over the wall (actually I say lady dogs, but I believe he lost his innocence to a large Boxer called Zulu a year ago, but Stacey won't hear of it.) we went to work. Stacey found some frightening-looking dog security website and within a couple of minutes we had ordered the full Electro Dog Container Kit (not the actual name but something like that). It arrived this morning. A thousand feet of electric cable, a control panel and a couple of scary-looking collars with electrodes pointed inwards to rest on his poor neck. The idea is that you surround your yard with the wire, Ted Nugent style, and then when the poor hound approaches it he is given a small shock from his collar. It sounds totally barbaric but it does, apparently, work and this seems to be the only way to stop the baying mob from lighting their crosses and marching down the road towards our fortifications.

Supposedly you can cross the wire without getting grilled if you're not wearing a collar which is a relief as we don't have a big larder and might start going hungry after a couple of weeks.

But that's not all. I'm off on a little secret trip tonight. Regular readers of this column might know that I have a particularly unpleasant problem with someone coming into my garden and defecating behind a particular bush. I won't go into the hows and whys but this all started soon after Liz Hurley moved into the area and I'm fairly sure that she's involved. My current thinking with the arrival of this electrical system is to somehow get Hurley to wear one of the electrode collars so that the next time she decides to pop in and leave us a little present she gets a little shock. I have spent all day in the tower covering the collar in black velvet and gluing on a couple of Diamonique sparkly bits as I know she loves bit of glamour.

So here's my plan. Posing as a courier I'm going to deliver it to her place and make out that it's from her close pal Sir Elton John who has written her a card to tell her that this is a unique piece of jewellery made by his close friend Sir David Furnish who has given up the film business because Sir Elton doesn't want to make any more documentaries about himself and has decided to start making jewellery. "Sir Elton" goes on to say that if she could wear it all the time it would give Sir David Furnish the confidence to carry on with his new enterprise. "Sir Elton" would rather that she never mentions this to them but just wears it all the time and Sir David will be thrilled. I don't need to point out the genius of my plan: If Liz decides to do some more fly-tipping, so to speak, she'll soon think again. If the system works on both Huxley and Hurley then it truly will be money well spent. I'll keep you informed.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Business Manager

£32000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Business Manager is required ...

Recruitment Genius: Operations Manager

£45000 - £55000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: Panel & Cabinet Wireman

£20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Panel Wireman required for small electro...

Recruitment Genius: Electronics Test Engineer

£25000 - £27000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An SME based in East Cheshire, ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Newspaper stands have been criticised by the Child Eyes campaign  

There were more reader complaints this year – but, then again, there were more readers

Will Gore
 

People drink to shut out pain and stress. Arresting them won’t help

Deborah Coughlin
Ed Richards: Parting view of Ofcom chief. . . we hate jokes on the disabled

Ed Richards: Parting view of Ofcom chief. . . we hate jokes on the disabled

Bad language once got TV viewers irate, inciting calls to broadcasting switchboards. But now there is a worse offender, says retiring head of the media watchdog
War with Isis: The West needs more than a White Knight

The West needs more than a White Knight

Despite billions spent on weapons, the US has not been able to counter Isis's gruesome tactics, says Patrick Cockburn
Return to Helmand: Private Davey Graham recalls the day he was shot by the Taliban

'The day I was shot by the Taliban'

Private Davey Graham was shot five times during an ambush in 2007 - it was the first, controversial photograph to show the dangers our soldiers faced in Helmand province
Revealed: the best and worst airlines for delays

Revealed: the best and worst airlines for delays

Many flyers are failing to claim compensation to which they are entitled, a new survey has found
The stories that defined 2014: From the Scottish independence referendum to the Ice Bucket Challenge, our writers voice their opinions

The stories that defined 2014

From the Scottish independence referendum to the Ice Bucket Challenge, our writers voice their opinions
Stoke-on-Trent becomes first British city to be classified as 'disaster resilient' by the United Nations

Disaster looming? Now you know where to head...

Which British city has become the first to be awarded special 'resilience' status by the UN?
Finally, a diet that works: Californian pastor's wildly popular Daniel Plan has seen his congregation greatly reduced

Finally, a diet that works

Californian pastor's wildly popular Daniel Plan has seen his congregation greatly reduced
Say it with... lyrics: The power of song was never greater, according to our internet searches

Say it with... lyrics

The power of song was never greater, according to our internet searches
Professor Danielle George: On a mission to bring back the art of 'thinkering'

The joys of 'thinkering'

Professor Danielle George on why we have to nurture tomorrow's scientists today
Monique Roffey: The author on father figures, the nation's narcissism and New Year reflections

Monique Roffey interview

The author on father figures, the nation's narcissism and New Year reflections
Introducing my anti-heroes of 2014

Introducing my anti-heroes of 2014

Their outrageousness and originality makes the world a bit more interesting, says Ellen E Jones
DJ Taylor: Good taste? It's all a matter of timing...

Good taste? It's all a matter of timing...

It has been hard to form generally accepted cultural standards since the middle of the 19th century – and the disintegration is only going to accelerate, says DJ Taylor
Olivia Jacobs & Ben Caplan: 'Ben thought the play was called 'Christian Love'. It was 'Christie in Love' - about a necrophiliac serial killer'

How we met

Olivia Jacobs and Ben Caplan
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's breakfasts will revitalise you in time for the New Year

Bill Granger's healthy breakfasts

Our chef's healthy recipes are perfect if you've overindulged during the festive season
Transfer guide: From Arsenal to West Ham - what does your club need in the January transfer window?

Who does your club need in the transfer window?

Most Premier League sides are after a striker, but here's a full run down of the ins and outs that could happen over the next month