So there I am with a hooker and a Molotov cocktail, and my wife walks in

I was forced to wander the streets and mow down about 18 citizens in order to continue my gambling
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The Independent Online

I'm having a very refreshing break away from all the bollocks that surrounds releasing books and television series. I'm relaxing on the west coast of America and it really is a splendid place to be, very liberating. I'm living with the Johnson family in an area of LA known as Ganton. It's quite a rough area and you have to watch your back.

It's basically gangland and the local gang colours are green, so I've found myself clad almost entirely in it. It's just simpler that way. Groups of aggressive men approach you on the street, machine-guns very visible and if you're dressed in the wrong colour then you're history. Ganton doesn't have much to it, just a pizza place and a couple of very rough bars. I got into trouble on the second night as I tagged along with a group of local guys off with spray cans to wipe out opposing gangs' tags that they see as an insult to their area. It was quite good fun and we roared around the place until the cops spotted us and we ended up in a short car chase before I managed to get out at the lights and hid down an alley.

Since that hairy episode I've spent most days driving round the city on a motorbike that I've "borrowed". I really didn't know LA very well but I've now been all over and am starting to get to know my way around.

There's some weird shit going on. In the downtown area there is an enormously tall building that you can parasail off the top of, and this gives you a wonderful bird's eye view of the place. I spent yesterday afternoon down at the beach. Again, there's quite a strong gang presence down there but everyone seems to be in a pretty good mood, getting stoned and throwing impromptu beach parties. I got a bit carried away and found myself cutting some pretty fine moves at one of them. I got a resounding cheer from the locals before a fight broke out and I decided it might be wise to move on.

The women are amazing here, gorgeous figures and most of them available for the right price. Not that that is my bag you understand, but it's certainly different from Cirencester.

One of the amazing things about this city is just how quickly you can be out in the countryside. I drove out to Red County last night and just cruised around. It's very beautiful. I ended up in a little Hicksville called Montgomery where I found myself in the local betting shop. It's very addictive and has made me rethink my views on the Government's proposals to increase the amount of gambling in the UK. I went into this tiny shop and started betting on the horses and lost $4,000 in a matter of minutes. Now I know that I'm probably an exception but, totally broke, I was forced to wander the streets of Montgomery and mow down about 18 of its citizens in order to build up my cash supply sufficiently to continue with my gambling. The gun laws are crazy here. It's everyone for themselves.

I'm currently packing a pistol, an AK47, two Molotov cocktails, some grenades and a hunting knife. It's so normal out here that it's going to be difficult coming back to the real world. If I had a choice I think I'd probably just stay here all the time and do my own thing. I'd like to do a Vietnam vet sort of thing and just build a compound out in Red County and shoot at anything that approaches. Really get away from things.

I had to come back into LA this morning. I'm planning a trip up to San Francisco tomorrow. You can take the gorgeous winding drive up the coast and I've managed to "get" a top convertible and intend to see just how fast it can go.

I've met a woman here who seems keen to make the trip. She's not the most educated of ladies but I like her and besides, I saved her from a fire that I actually started in her gang house with my Molotovs so we've kind of got a special bond.

Sorry must go now. Stacey has just come in and made me turn Grand Theft Auto off on my PlayStation. Apparently I should get outside, get some fresh air. What the hell does she think I've been doing?

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