The Beckham nativity scene was wrong. For a start, where was Louis Vuitton?

I'm not sure that I can safely write about my subject this week without being arrested by the government thought police. If I'm not here next week then can someone come and visit me in the UK version of Guantanamo Bay? I believe it's called the Isle of Wight.

You can't move round here for towel-heads at the moment. The place is stuffed with them. Tea towel-heads that is, it's the Nativity play season. If, for some reason, you suddenly have an urge to stock up on tea towels for your kitchen, don't bother. There are none to be found anywhere. They are all adorning the heads of our little cherubs as they sensitively portray the national millinery of the Palestinian people. I wonder whether somewhere on the West Bank, little Palestinian school children are acting out some Christmas scene set in London where three kids having cut all their clothes up with scissors portray the band "Busted" turning on the Regent Street lights while the other kids play the part of the English crowd all wearing Kiss Me Quick hats?

It's an exciting year for us as my daughter Parker got the lead role of Mary in her Nativity play. We were a little wary of Mary when she first told us that she had the role. Last year she came home to inform us that she was Mary and it was only after a couple of embarrassing days slipping teachers fivers in congratulations and laughing at the other parents that we found out that she was lying and that she was actually a junior angel. Oh the shame. This year enough money exchanged hands and she did land the plum role. We turned up a mere two hours early to get front row seats and sat like proud boxing trainers mouthing her lines along with her. Even in this, our proudest moments so far as parents, there were tales of intrigue. One bitter, dark-haired mother was complaining that it was unfair that Mary was always a blonde, as this was considered more angelic. If they were actually being correct, she continued, Mary should be dark-haired and more Levantine. I was about to mention that my Parkie was a ginger so that was progress of a sort when she appeared stage left with her ginger curls carefully hidden underneath a tight tea towel. I must remember to dye Jackson's hair blonde for the auditions next year to give him the best chance of playing one of the three Aryan kings.

Ginger Mary did us proud. As she finished her solo of "Away in a Manger" the room broke into spontaneous applause. I turned to Stacey only to find her in floods of tears. I never knew that the Nativity story could be so moving.

I'm sure it's all a bit different in the Beckham household. Seeing them on the newspaper front pages last week in the Madame Tussauds Nativity publicity stunt started me thinking. It made me wonder just who exactly is Madame Tussaud and what happened to Monsieur Tussaud? Since she clearly had a rather unhealthy interest in turning people into wax effigies I imagine that he might have fallen victim to one of her early unsuccessful experiments, so forcing her to pack her bags and flee over the Channel.

At least the Beckhams were vaguely tastefully clothed, no tea towel for David. They apparently used Kylie as the floating Angel Gabriel behind them because she was tiny. I though that this was a bit old hat. Joe Pasquale looks tiny and would have been far more "now". I think they really missed a trick there.

I suspect that the real Beckham family Christmas experience is slightly different. I imagine "Posh" getting a stylist in for Brooklyn's first appearance on stage as one of the three kings. The frankincense would be carried in a Louis Vuitton bag and they would all be sporting rather fetching "royal Burberry" check tracksuits. Little Romeo could play the baby Jesus but would be transported by Mary in a three-wheeled off-road buggy as so loved by Notting Hill mummies trying to cope with the difficult inclines they face getting into Westbourne Grove shops. I don't need to speculate. I'm sure they've sold the rights to Hello! and Sky One so we can all watch it soon. Damm, should have thought of that.

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