Yes, that was me in your Christmas cracker. Remember my name

Here is the news: if you are one of those people who insist on wearing party hats, no one likes you. You are a really dull person

Share

My new year comedown was lifted for a moment by the news that I had finally achieved one of my three lifetime ambitions. I'd featured in a Christmas cracker. A friend's parents rang to tell me the exciting news that I had been the subject of a quiz question in one they had pulled. My joy was dampened by the fact that my name had been misspelt but still, it was definitely me. In a cracker. Hollywood here I come.

My new year comedown was lifted for a moment by the news that I had finally achieved one of my three lifetime ambitions. I'd featured in a Christmas cracker. A friend's parents rang to tell me the exciting news that I had been the subject of a quiz question in one they had pulled. My joy was dampened by the fact that my name had been misspelt but still, it was definitely me. In a cracker. Hollywood here I come.

I have always harboured a reassuring little safety net of a dream about going into the world of cracker jokes when my career gets shot down in flames. Cracker jokes are so bad that I'm sure every comedian worth his or her salt assumes that somewhere in a warehouse in Wales there is a golden retirement awaiting them that consists of coming up with endless, crap jokes. I have a theory that several recently deceased comedians are not dead but faked their deaths in order to break into the world of cracker jokes without the pressure.

At least cracker jokes are good for kids. My daughter, Parker, has her first proper joke down pat, and it's a corker. "What do you call a witch that lives by the sea?" Answer: "A sandwi(t)ch." She loves this joke and tells it to everyone and laughs at it every time. I thought that this might be quite a good thing for her until I realised that she didn't really get it. She started trying to freestyle and came up with a couple of new jokes of her own, like: "What do you call a chicken that lives by the sea?" Answer: "A sandchicken." She continued with "What do you call a sausage that lives near the sea?" Answer: "A sandsausage."

You get the picture. She finds every nonsensical new joke hilarious, and I'm beginning to think that we might forget about her formal education and get her straight into working in the cracker joke industry. It could make me a rich man.

When I say working, I'm using the term loosely. The cracker industry must be as big a doss as being one of Santa's elves. Christmas comes, so we've got to have crackers. It's a bloody tradition so it's not as though your market is going to desert you. You probably only work for, at most, a month a year and you know the answer to all of the jokes as a bonus. Crackers are the same until you start paying vast sums of stupid money. I once got very flash and bought some at The Conran Shop and, although you might get a better quality bottle opener or tape measure, they still contained the same basic bollocks, and the jokes are no better. If you could get crackers from Tiffany's that might be all right, but someone would probably lose the diamond cuff links inside, and then I'd get angry and punch them, and that wouldn't be so good. Besides, I bet the party hats aren't any better. Here's the news: if you're one of those people who insist on wearing them, no one likes you. You are the dull person trying to be fun for once in your suicidal life. Don't put pressure on me if I refuse to wear one. I've got a gun. Everybody down! Sorry too much sherry, must have a little rest. Don't go! It's my party and I'll poop if I want to.

My last cracker bit, I promise. Then I'm going to go and sleep for a week. Is it too much to bloody ask for when we can put a man on the moon and kill Afghans at the push of a button from 10,000 miles away? Is it too much to ask to have a cracker that actually works? Just one that goes bang and divides equally and doesn't send my kid flying off her chair? Is it?

You're probably wondering what my other two lifetime ambitions are. Well, it's private. I'm not going to tell you. Well, OK, but don't tell anyone else. The first is that I want to reform Marillion and perform "Chelsea Monday" with them at the Cambridge Folk Festival.

The second is simple. I just want somebody to spell my name correctly one day. It doesn't have to be in a cracker; just anywhere, OK? What about Crackerjack? What was that about? Help!

React Now

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Information Security Manager (ISO 27001, Accreditation, ITIL)

£70000 per annum: Harrington Starr: Information Security Manager (ISO 27001, A...

C# Developer (HTML5, JavaScript, ASP.NET, Mathematics, Entity)

£30000 - £45000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: C# Developer (...

C# Integration Developer (.NET, Tibco EMS, SQL 2008/2012, XML)

£60000 - £80000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: C# Integration...

Biztalk - outstanding opportunity

£75000 - £85000 per annum + ex bens: Deerfoot IT Resources Limited: Biztalk Te...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Left in limbo: Refugee children in a processing centre in Brownsville, Texas  

Refugee children from Central America let down by Washington's high ideals

Rupert Cornwell
Harman has said her gender affected her employment  

Gordon Brown could have had a woman as deputy PM. He bottled it

Joan Smith
Iraq crisis: How Saudi Arabia helped Isis take over the north of the country

How Saudi Arabia helped Isis take over northern Iraq

A speech by an ex-MI6 boss hints at a plan going back over a decade. In some areas, being Shia is akin to being a Jew in Nazi Germany, says Patrick Cockburn
The evolution of Andy Serkis: First Gollum, then King Kong - now the actor is swinging through the trees in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

The evolution of Andy Serkis

First Gollum, then King Kong - now the actor is swinging through the trees in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
You thought 'Benefits Street' was controversial: Follow-up documentary 'Immigrant Street' has got locals worried

You thought 'Benefits Street' was controversial...

Follow-up documentary 'Immigrant Street' has got locals worried
Refugee children from Central America let down by Washington's high ideals

Refugee children let down by Washington's high ideals

Democrats and Republicans refuse to set aside their differences to cope with the influx of desperate Central Americas, says Rupert Cornwell
Children's books are too white, says Laureate

Children's books are too white, says Laureate

Malorie Blackman appeals for a better ethnic mix of authors and characters and the illustrator Quentin Blake comes to the rescue
Blackest is the new black: Scientists have developed a material so dark that you can't see it...

Blackest is the new black

Scientists have developed a material so dark that you can't see it...
Matthew Barzun: America's diplomatic dude

Matthew Barzun: America's diplomatic dude

The US Ambassador to London holds 'jeans and beer' gigs at his official residence – it's all part of the job, he tells Chris Green
Meet the Quantified Selfers: From heart rates to happiness, there is little this fast-growing, self-tracking community won't monitor

Meet the 'Quantified Selfers'

From heart rates to happiness, there is little this fast-growing, self-tracking community won't monitor
Madani Younis: Five-star reviews are just the opening act for British theatre's first non-white artistic director

Five-star reviews are just the opening act for British theatre's first non-white artistic director

Madani Younis wants the neighbourhood to follow his work as closely as his audiences do
Mrs Brown and her boys: are they having a laugh?

Mrs Brown and her boys: are they having a laugh?

When it comes to national stereotyping, the Irish – among others – know it can pay to play up to outsiders' expectations, says DJ Taylor
Gavin Maxwell's bitter legacy: Was the otter man the wildlife champion he appeared to be?

Otter man Gavin Maxwell's bitter legacy

The aristocrat's eccentric devotion to his pets inspired a generation. But our greatest living nature writer believes his legacy has been quite toxic
Joanna Rowsell: The World Champion cyclist on breaking her collarbone, shattering her teeth - and dealing with alopecia

Joanna Rowsell: 'I wear my wig to look normal'

The World Champion cyclist on breaking her collarbone, shattering her teeth - and dealing with alopecia
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef gives raw ingredients a lift with his quick marinades

Bill Granger's quick and delicious marinades

Our chef's marinades are great for weekend barbecuing, but are also a delicious way of injecting flavour into, and breaking the monotony of, weekday meals
Germany vs Argentina World Cup 2014 preview: Why Brazilians don't love their neighbours Argentina any more

Anyone but Argentina – why Brazilians don’t love their neighbours any more

The hosts will be supporting Germany in today's World Cup final, reports Alex Bellos
The Open 2014: Time again to ask that major question - can Lee Westwood win at last?

The Open 2014

Time again to ask that major question - can Lee Westwood win at last?