Dylan Jones: 'Around 25 years ago I started a heavy-metal band called Devil Bitch. Now we're going to reform'

Talk Of The Town

Share
Related Topics

Nowhere in Maslow's celebrated Hierachy of Needs does it mention our need for heavy metal. At the base of his pyramid are the physiological needs (like breathing, sex and excretion) and at the peak there is self-actualisation (morality, creativity, spontaneity, etc). And while I wouldn't want to be too prejudicial here, I might venture that HM lies somewhere around the top of the pyramid rather than the bottom.

And not in a good way, either.

After all, in the humanistic vision, human dysfunctions are caused by a faulty or interrupted development process. Dan Nelson's All Known Metal Bands, a new book published by McSweeney's, is perhaps the best example of why this might be. Called "the best bathroom book ever" by Rolling Stone – who really ought to know better – and "the greatest book ever published" by the Metal Jew website, Nelson's book is a complete A to Z of every metal band that has ever existed, containing the names of more 50,000 groups. From Beauty Till Death, Beaverstore and six groups called Bedlam, to Chainsaw Surgery, Erotic Funeral and 15 bands called Prophecy. There are also five Goatlords and three Wolfshades. But – and this is important, so hear me out – no Devil Bitch.

And this is my big gripe with Nelson's book. Around 25 years ago I started a totally fictitious heavy-metal band with my friend and lead guitarist Robin (who for the past 17 years has been masquerading as creative director of British Vogue). The band came about after too many imported lagers in a long-forgotten bar in Soho, and, for reasons again long forgotten, we were called Devil Bitch (our signature song was called "Love is a Machete"). And you know what? That's right. We're not in this book. Can you believe that?

And you know what else? That's right. Our exclusion has left us with no choice. We're going to reform. At least I am. I haven't told the guitarist yet, so Robin if you're reading this (and as an Independent reader, you probably are), we have a rehearsal next Tuesday, in the Armitage Shanks Studios up in Leyton. Seven thirty.

I'll be the bald guy wearing black.

Dylan Jones is the editor of 'GQ'

React Now

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Maths Teacher - September 2014

£100 - £165 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: We are looking for a Teacher of...

English Teacher

Main Teacher Pay Scale : Randstad Education Leeds: English Teacher RequiredImm...

KS2 Teacher

£90 - £120 per day + tax deductable expenses: Randstad Education Leicester: KS...

B2B Bids and Tenders Pricing Specialist

£35000 - £45000 per annum + excellent company benefits : Pro-Recruitment Group...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

i Editor’s Letter: Britain's sexism

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
 

Nigel Farage: I’m taking on the status quo, and the Establishment’s fighting back

Nigel Farage
Homelessness: Why is the supported lodgings lifeline under threat?

Why is the supported lodgings lifeline under threat?

Zubairi Sentongo swapped poverty in Uganda for homelessness in Britain. But a YMCA scheme connected him with a couple offering warmth and shelter
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: When the world’s biggest shed took over Regent’s Park

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

When the world’s biggest shed took over Regent’s Park
The pain of IVF

The pain of IVF

As an Italian woman vows to keep the babies from someone else’s eggs, Julian Baggini ponders how the reality of childbirth is often messier than the natural ideal
Supersize art

Is big better? Britain's latest super-sized art

The Kelpies are the latest addition to a growing army of giant sculptures. But naysayers are asking what a pair of gigantic horse heads tells us about Falkirk?
James Dean: Back on the big screen

James Dean: Back on the big screen

As 'Rebel without a Cause' is re-released, Geoffrey Macnab reveals how its star perfected his moody act
Catch-22: How the cult classic was adapted for the stage

How a cult classic was adapted for the stage

More than half a century after it was published 'Catch-22' will make its British stage debut next week
10 best activity books for children

10 best activity books for children

Keep little ones busy this bank holiday with one of these creative, educational and fun books
Arsenal 3 West Ham United 1: Five things we learnt from the battle between the London sides

Five things we learnt from Arsenal's win over West Ham

Arsenal still in driving seat for Champions League spot and Carroll can make late charge into England’s World Cup squad
Copa del Rey final: Barcelona are paying for their complacency and not even victory over Real Madrid will put things right

Pete Jenson on the Copa del Rey final

Barcelona are paying for their complacency and not even victory over Real Madrid will put things right
Rafa to reign? Ten issues clay courts will serve up this season

Rafa to reign? Ten issues clay courts will serve up this season

With the tennis circus now rolling on to the slowest surface, Paul Newman highlights who'll be making the headlines – and why
Exclusive: NHS faces financial disaster in 2015 as politicians urged to find radical solution

NHS faces financial disaster in 2015

Politicians urged to find radical solution
Ukraine crisis: How spontaneous are the pro-Russian protests breaking out in Ukraine’s east?

Ukraine crisis

How spontaneous are the pro-Russian protests breaking out in Ukraine’s east?
A History of the First World War in 100 moments: The first execution at the Tower of London for 167 years

The first execution at the Tower of London for 167 years

A history of the First World War in 100 moments
Fires could turn Amazon rainforest into a desert as human activity and climate change threaten ‘lungs of the world’, says study

New threat to the Amazon rainforest:

Fires that scorch the ‘lungs of the Earth’
Liverpool, Chelsea and Manchester City: And the winner of this season’s Premier League title will be...

Who’s in box seat now? The winner of the title will be ...

Who is in best shape to take the Premier League prize?