Jaci Stephen: 'I could be Verne Troyer's tall girlfriend but he likes women over 6ft too'

Way Out West

Share
Related Topics

You don't hear any references to midgets for years, and then three come along together.

I was re-watching Martin McDonagh's brilliant In Bruges, which is one of my favourite films of all time, and which features a midget – Canadian actor Jordan Prentice – who gives rise to some of the funniest quotes from hit-man Ray (Colin Farrell).

Then I was reading American comedian Chelsea Handler's book, My Horizontal Life, in which she describes the various men she has been to bed with – one of whom happens to be a midget.

And then this week I was trying to dodge the traffic to get to the Beverly Centre on La Cienega Boulevard, and a motorist leaned out of his window and yelled: "Idiot midget!"

At first I was most offended by the "idiot" part of the abuse. Cars in Los Angeles are allowed to run anyone down at any time, because although the white man on the sign is technically telling pedestrians to cross, motorists can ignore it at their leisure. When four lanes and about half a dozen feeder roads choose to ignore it at the same time, making it to your destination without losing a limb becomes something of an achievement.

So I was not being an idiot. I was doing what the little white man was telling me to do (ie cross the road), and it was hardly my fault if the people in the cars chose to ignore the possibility that someone might wish to take up his offer.

Then the "midget" bit started to bother me. I haven't been called a midget since my schooldays. When I was in my early teens, "Bridget the Midget" was in the charts, which was a disaster for small people everywhere. I had survived my primary schooldays being called Titch, after the children's ventriloquist show, Titch and Quackers (a small boy and his pet duck – how we laughed) and also Short Arse; but Bridget stuck with a few people, most notably Robin Davies. I met him a couple of years ago and reprimanded him for ruining my youth, but, quelle surprise, he had no recollection of it.

In one fell swoop, "midget" brought back those painful years, and I felt quite tearful. Also, I am not a midget; I am 5ft tall, which to a midget is a giant.

But I have discovered that LA is a very sizeist place – although not where men are concerned. If you are a man with money and/or success, it doesn't matter if you are 2ft or 10ft; but all the women seem to be over 6ft, which is just as well, given the gargantuan breasts they have to carry around. I recently met Verne Troyer, the famous American actor (actually, that's four recent midget connections – weird!) who appeared in the UK's I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here! last year. I was introduced to him by La Toya Jackson, to whom I had given up my seat on an Air New Zealand flight to LA. Verne is just 2ft 8in, and when I excitedly approached him, he shrank to about 12in in terror, as if in an effort to disappear altogether at this strange giant's advances. Nobody, I suspect, calls Verne an idiot midget when he attempts to cross a road; but then maybe he has tall people to carry him.

As a small woman, however, I stand out as a bit of a freak – or so I keep being told, albeit couched in less-offensive terms. I have been called "unique", "interesting", "sweet", "different", and when I went looking for a new apartment, all the potential landlords expressed worry over cupboard height and recommended stores where I might be able to purchase a set of steps to help me reach the top shelves.

I have been told that I can capitalise on this uniqueness, though so far I am finding it hard to see precisely how. I suppose I could put myself forward in Hollywood to play Verne's tall girlfriend, but then from everything I've seen, he has a preference for women over 6ft, too.

With Christmas coming up, there must be shortage of elves somewhere (unless Verne's mates have already nabbed all the best jobs); and if Steven Spielberg ever decides to do ET II, with the actor inside the prosthetics no longer with us I might be able to audition for that – although Verne will probably nab that one for himself.

No, unless they are planning on making Gulliver's Travels starring Welsh midgets invading Lilliput, it seems that I am going to have to be content to live my LA life out on a limb – or separated from it, if I keep encountering the drivers like the ones on La Cienega. Idiot giants.



To read Jaci Stephen's blog LANot SoConfidential in full, go to Lanotso confidential.blogspot.com

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Senior Digital Marketing Consultant

£28000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Senior Digital Marketing Cons...

Recruitment Genius: Assistant Stores Keeper

£16640 - £18500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An Assistant Stores Keeper is r...

Recruitment Genius: Claims Administrator

£16000 - £18500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an excellent opportunit...

Recruitment Genius: Software Developer - C# / ASP.NET / SQL

£17000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Developer required to join a bu...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

General Election 2015: What if Cameron were to end up in hock to the SNP?

Steve Richards
Fishing for votes with Nigel Farage: The Ukip leader shows how he can work an audience as he casts his line to the disaffected of Grimsby

Fishing is on Nigel Farage's mind

Ukip leader casts a line to the disaffected
Who is bombing whom in the Middle East? It's amazing they don't all hit each other

Who is bombing whom in the Middle East?

Robert Fisk untangles the countries and factions
China's influence on fashion: At the top of the game both creatively and commercially

China's influence on fashion

At the top of the game both creatively and commercially
Lord O’Donnell: Former cabinet secretary on the election and life away from the levers of power

The man known as GOD has a reputation for getting the job done

Lord O'Donnell's three principles of rule
Rainbow shades: It's all bright on the night

Rainbow shades

It's all bright on the night
'It was first time I had ever tasted chocolate. I kept a piece, and when Amsterdam was liberated, I gave it to the first Allied soldier I saw'

Bread from heaven

Dutch survivors thank RAF for World War II drop that saved millions
Britain will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power - Labour

How 'the Axe' helped Labour

UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power
Rare and exclusive video shows the horrific price paid by activists for challenging the rule of jihadist extremists in Syria

The price to be paid for challenging the rule of extremists

A revolution now 'consuming its own children'
Welcome to the world of Megagames

Welcome to the world of Megagames

300 players take part in Watch the Skies! board game in London
'Nymphomaniac' actress reveals what it was really like to star in one of the most explicit films ever

Charlotte Gainsbourg on 'Nymphomaniac'

Starring in one of the most explicit films ever
Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers

Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi

The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers
Vince Cable interview: Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'

Vince Cable exclusive interview

Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'
Iwan Rheon interview: Game of Thrones star returns to his Welsh roots to record debut album

Iwan Rheon is returning to his Welsh roots

Rheon is best known for his role as the Bastard of Bolton. It's gruelling playing a sadistic torturer, he tells Craig McLean, but it hasn't stopped him recording an album of Welsh psychedelia
Morne Hardenberg interview: Cameraman for BBC's upcoming show Shark on filming the ocean's most dangerous predator

It's time for my close-up

Meet the man who films great whites for a living
Increasing numbers of homeless people in America keep their mobile phones on the streets

Homeless people keep mobile phones

A homeless person with a smartphone is a common sight in the US. And that's creating a network where the 'hobo' community can share information - and fight stigma - like never before