Jaci Stephen: 'In my bra, I looked like two ladles melting in a pot of boiling fondue'

Way Out West

Share
Related Topics

I've always wondered exactly what Victoria's Secret was. Now I know. She has never worn any underwear.

Having just visited the LA store of the same name, it is the only conclusion I can reach. Had I been a hippo in the bra section, or a stoat in the knickers section, there is a chance the garments might have looked halfway decent on me; but as a relatively normal-shaped woman, I could not have looked more ridiculous had I strapped myself upside down to a giraffe on roller skates.

I confess to not having worn a bra for over 20 years, and no knickers for three. It's not that I've been trying to make a statement; just that owing to my broad back, bras always felt uncomfortable and left me with scars; and knickers: well, did they get smaller, or did I just get bigger?

I suspect that my aversion to bras is because my first one was so small – a couple of contact lenses would have done the job just as well. It was a 28AA white lace doily thing that Mum bought from Marks & Spencer, and I was utterly embarrassed. My friend Pat had been the first girl in the school to need a bra, and we had all gathered round at break to admire the aircraft hangar it undoubtedly was, so I knew that I was painfully inadequate in that department. I felt rather sorry for Pat's mother, who must have spent an entire week's grocery bill on the monstrosity needed to house her daughter's growing mammaries.

I stopped wearing them round about the age of 30, but as I have been contemplating having a boob job in California (you feel on the sidelines without one, to be honest), I thought I might try something less drastic first. Surrounded by Beverly Hills 90210 nymphets, I fantasised about slipping into the sexiest cups that would instantly transform my 50-year-old chest into that of a buxom, desirable 23-year-old, and set off for the Victoria's Secret Labor Day sale with high hopes.

The last bra I bought cost about £2.99, so a $19.99 reduced price tag didn't seem much of a bargain; heck, a boob job suddenly looked like the cheapest option.

I didn't even know what size I was now, but thought 34B looked about right. I rummaged around in that section and came up with a corset-type thing and a camel-type thing. I have to call them things, because they bore no resemblance to any bra I have ever seen. When I tried them on, I had to perform manual surgery just to cover myself; even then, I looked like two ladles melting in a pan of boiling fondue.

The assistant measured me and declared me to be a 34C: not, it transpired, because I had grown in cup size, but because owing to my 30lb weight loss, half my cup had transmogrified and was now well on its way to my back, via my underarms. Only the promise of a dam in which to contain it again seemed likely to convince it to return, and so off the assistant went in search of 36C.

The not-very-nice bras on offer at 34B were a veritable Impressionist exhibition up against the Salvador Dalis at 36C. God, they were gross. Gross colours, gross fabrics, gross shapes. Had they been breathing, you would have taken them to the vet to be put out of their misery. I had been contemplating a D cup, if and when I decided to go under the knife; but as I gathered up my under-the-arm flesh and scooped it into the C cup, I thought that if I could just push a bit up from my now rather-loose stomach, I would have enough not only for one boob job, but top-ups that would keep it going for about the next 10 years.

I didn't even bother looking at the knicker sale, which looked to me like a dental floss convention.

I'm rather depressed about it all. When I was fatter, I had a great, smooth bottom; now, it has so many folds and creases, I could re-market it as a book. My once-quite-decent breasts are now barely bigger than my ears, and not anywhere near as pert. The reason I stopped wearing underwear in the first place was because, fat, nothing fitted me; now I'm thin, and it still doesn't.

If Victoria has a secret, I'd like to know about it. Because from where I'm sagging, there's no mystery.



To read Jaci Stephen's blog LAnotsoconfidential in full, go to: lanotsoconfidential.blogspot.com

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Junior Developer / Mobile Apps / Java / C# / HTML 5 / JS

£17000 - £28000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Junior Mobile Application Devel...

Recruitment Genius: LGV Driver - Category C or C+E

£23000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This national Company that manu...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Consultant - OTE £30,000

£13000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Scotland's leading life insuran...

Recruitment Genius: Maintenance Assistant

£25000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Maintenance Assistant is requ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Newspaper stands have been criticised by the Child Eyes campaign  

There were more reader complaints this year – but, then again, there were more readers

Will Gore
 

People drink to shut out pain and stress – arresting them won’t help

Deborah Coughlin
A timely reminder of the bloody anniversary we all forgot

A timely reminder of the bloody anniversary we all forgot

Who remembers that this week we enter the 150th anniversary year of the end of the American Civil War, asks Robert Fisk
Homeless Veterans appeal: Former soldiers pay their respects to a friend who also served

Homeless Veterans appeal

Former soldiers pay their respects to a friend who also served
Downfall of Dustin 'Screech' Diamond, the 'Saved By The Bell' star charged with bar stabbing

Scarred by the bell

The downfall of the TV star charged with bar stabbing
Why 2014 was a year of technological let-downs

Why 2014 was a year of technological let-downs

Security breaches and overhyped start-ups dominated a year in which very little changed (save the size of your phone)
Cuba's golf revolution: But will the revolutionary nation take 'bourgeois' game to its heart?

Will revolutionary Cuba take 'bourgeois' golf to its heart?

Fidel Castro ridiculed the game – but now investment in leisure resort projects is welcome
The Locked Room Mysteries: As a new collection of the genre’s best is published, its editor Otto Penzler explains the rules of engagement

The Locked Room Mysteries

As a new collection of the genre’s best is published, its editor explains the rules of engagement
Amy Adams on playing painter Margaret Keane in Tim Burton's Big Eyes

How I made myself Keane

Amy Adams hadn’t wanted to take the role of artist Margaret Keane, because she’d had enough of playing victims. But then she had a daughter, and saw the painter in a new light
Ed Richards: Parting view of Ofcom chief. . . we hate jokes on the disabled

Parting view of Ofcom chief... we hate jokes on the disabled

Bad language once got TV viewers irate, inciting calls to broadcasting switchboards. But now there is a worse offender, says retiring head of the media watchdog, Ed Richards
A look back at fashion in 2014: Wear in review

Wear in review

A look back at fashion in 2014
Ian Herbert: My 10 hopes for sport in 2015. Might just one of them happen?

Ian Herbert: My 10 hopes for sport in 2015

Might just one of them happen?
War with Isis: The West needs more than a White Knight

The West needs more than a White Knight

Despite billions spent on weapons, the US has not been able to counter Isis's gruesome tactics, says Patrick Cockburn
Return to Helmand: Private Davey Graham recalls the day he was shot by the Taliban

'The day I was shot by the Taliban'

Private Davey Graham was shot five times during an ambush in 2007 - it was the first, controversial photograph to show the dangers our soldiers faced in Helmand province
Revealed: the best and worst airlines for delays

Revealed: the best and worst airlines for delays

Many flyers are failing to claim compensation to which they are entitled, a new survey has found
The stories that defined 2014: From the Scottish independence referendum to the Ice Bucket Challenge, our writers voice their opinions

The stories that defined 2014

From the Scottish independence referendum to the Ice Bucket Challenge, our writers voice their opinions
Stoke-on-Trent becomes first British city to be classified as 'disaster resilient' by the United Nations

Disaster looming? Now you know where to head...

Which British city has become the first to be awarded special 'resilience' status by the UN?