Jaci Stephen: 'A crystal ball reader said I'd marry a man with the initial W. Never happened'

Way Out West

Share
Related Topics

The prospect of running out of money and possibly having to return to the British winter is already depressing me; hence my decision to drop in on one of LA's thousands of psychics, to find out exactly when I would have to make room on my mantelpiece for my Oscar.

The recession had clearly hit the psychic market hard (hadn't they seen it coming?), because special offers were everywhere. The Psychic Centre, on La Brea in West Hollywood, was offering a bargain $10 dollar reading, and I entered to find four women tucking into their Subway takeaway lunch around a crystal ball and a pile of Tarot cards with crumbs on them.

Through a full mouth, the fattest one asked whether I was looking for a reading, and pretty much splattered me with the contents of said mouth when I said Yes. My allotted psychic was a scruffy girl of about 18, who looked pretty annoyed at having her lunch break interrupted.

"Which d'you want? Tarot, palm, crystal ball, eye?"

I had had my eyeball read once before, when I was doing a health programme for Channel 4, and I hadn't been very convinced.

I also thought that an eye reading might not be helped by the fact that I was suffering an allergic reaction to some new mineral make-up and had been rubbing my eyes to wipe away the constant torrent of water pouring from them.

"Have you had any of them before?"

"All of them," I said. A Tarot reader had once told me that I would have twins. Never happened. A crystal ball reader told me I would marry someone whose name began with W. Never happened. The only W I ever dated told me in a Paris café that I was the most intelligent, funny, fantastic woman he had ever met – he just didn't fancy me. Stuff Paris as the City of Love.

Last year, passing through Turkey on a cruise, I had my Turkish coffee cup read, in the same way that people read tea-leaves. I was told that I spend money on big things (tell me about it – I spent 12,000 euros on a Chloe dress after one too many white wines a couple of years ago), that I would be very rich within three years (one down, two to go), and that a man whose name began with S was going to help my career big-time. I tell you, if Simon Cowell doesn't shift his backside quickly, I'm going to be on Skid Row.

My LA psychic was clearly having an off day and seemed highly irritated that I had even deigned to enter the room, let alone demand anything once inside. "Is it all right if I tape it?" I asked, producing my Blackberry. That was a definite no-no. "Can I take notes?"

"No. We don't like that. It's private. Why would you want to?"

Honestly, this was like pulling teeth. I could have finished this life, gone to an after one, AND returned as a sub-species in the time it was taking her to predict the next . . . Well, how many years? Heck, I only wanted to know as far as September. At this rate, I would be lucky to know what I was going to have for dinner.

"So what d'you want?"

"Okay, I'll have the eye."

"You want me to read your eyeball?"

"Yes, let's go for that."

"That's $45."

"But your sign outside says that you're doing a special deal for $10."

"Yeah, that's a palm reading."

"Okay, I'll have one of those."

"To be honest, it's not very accurate."

Oh, for heaven's sake. I read my friends' palms all the time and am deadly accurate. I read my own. I'm going to be very successful, but there is going to be a clean break of some sorts before I achieve that ultimate success (could this 6000 miles across the Atlantic be it, I have wondered?). I'm going to live a long life and I won't have any kids (my 50-year-old body fills in the gaps that my palm has left out on that one). I have told friends about things in their pasts that they have not even shared with those closest to them.

Clearly, there was going to be no such insight here, so I walked out of the centre without having spent a dollar and muttering something about it all being a bit of a con.

In fact, given my own skills in this area – certainly, compared to hers - I think I could open up a psychic centre in LA and do very well out of it.

The way the money is going, together with Mr Cowell's ongoing silence, it looks as if it might be my only option. Dollar for your thoughts, everyone. You know where I am.



To read more of Jaci Stephen's blog LA Not So Confidential, go to Lanotsoconfidential.blogspot.com

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Office / Sales Manager

£22000 - £32000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Established and expanding South...

Recruitment Genius: Administrative Assistant / Order Fulfilment

£14000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An exciting opportunity to join a thrivi...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped OTE: SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consulta...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped OTE: SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consulta...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Syria's Kurds have little choice but to flee amid the desolution, ruins and danger they face

Patrick Cockburn
A bartender serves two Mojito cocktails  

For the twenty-somethings of today, growing up is hard to do

Simon Kelner
Refugee crisis: David Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia - will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi?

Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia...

But will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi, asks Robert Fisk
Our leaders lack courage in this refugee crisis. We are shamed by our European neighbours

Our leaders lack courage in this refugee crisis. We are shamed by our European neighbours

Humanity must be at the heart of politics, says Jeremy Corbyn
Joe Biden's 'tease tour': Could the US Vice-President be testing the water for a presidential run?

Joe Biden's 'tease tour'

Could the US Vice-President be testing the water for a presidential run?
Britain's 24-hour culture: With the 'leisured society' a distant dream we're working longer and less regular hours than ever

Britain's 24-hour culture

With the 'leisured society' a distant dream we're working longer and less regular hours than ever
Diplomacy board game: Treachery is the way to win - which makes it just like the real thing

The addictive nature of Diplomacy

Bullying, betrayal, aggression – it may be just a board game, but the family that plays Diplomacy may never look at each other in the same way again
Lady Chatterley's Lover: Racy underwear for fans of DH Lawrence's equally racy tome

Fashion: Ooh, Lady Chatterley!

Take inspiration from DH Lawrence's racy tome with equally racy underwear
8 best children's clocks

Tick-tock: 8 best children's clocks

Whether you’re teaching them to tell the time or putting the finishing touches to a nursery, there’s a ticker for that
Charlie Austin: Queens Park Rangers striker says ‘If the move is not right, I’m not going’

Charlie Austin: ‘If the move is not right, I’m not going’

After hitting 18 goals in the Premier League last season, the QPR striker was the great non-deal of transfer deadline day. But he says he'd preferred another shot at promotion
Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea
Tunisia fears its Arab Spring could be reversed as the new regime becomes as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor

The Arab Spring reversed

Tunisian protesters fear that a new law will whitewash corrupt businessmen and officials, but they are finding that the new regime is becoming as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor
King Arthur: Legendary figure was real and lived most of his life in Strathclyde, academic claims

Academic claims King Arthur was real - and reveals where he lived

Dr Andrew Breeze says the legendary figure did exist – but was a general, not a king
Who is Oliver Bonas and how has he captured middle-class hearts?

Who is Oliver Bonas?

It's the first high-street store to pay its staff the living wage, and it saw out the recession in style
Earth has 'lost more than half its trees' since humans first started cutting them down

Axe-wielding Man fells half the world’s trees – leaving us just 422 each

However, the number of trees may be eight times higher than previously thought
60 years of Scalextric: Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones

60 years of Scalextric

Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones