Julie Burchill: Those who call Jordan a chav are just insecure and undersexed

Share
Related Topics

Everybody's somebody's chav. Look at cut-glass Kate Middleton, with a voice like ice-clinky Pimm's poured from Waterford Crystal, who has had to put up with years of "Doors to manual!" taunts from the gaggle of in-bred half-wits who wish they were in her shoes and her prince's bed.

What would Lord Reith – who allegedly insisted that all male radio announcers wore dinner jackets – make of Jenni Murray's Country Casuals or Evan Davis's Prince Albert piercing? He would turn in his urn! This being so, I really don't see what all the fuss about Jordan being approached to guest-edit Radio 4's Today programme is about.

I love Jordan. She is her own Frankenstein and her own monster, impervious to insults and all those limp jeers of "Ooo, I wouldn't touch her!" Idiot – she wouldn't even wipe her feet on you, let alone anything else; she wouldn't even do you for the practice. I like her views on the punishment of rapists, which is worthy of Valerie Solanas; when a man is convicted of the crime, he should be raped in turn by another, presumably gay, man.

Far, far more sensible and compassionate than the country which shares her name, where men regularly murder their female relatives – even children – who have been raped, in order to "cleanse" the family "honour". Though murder is punishable by the death penalty in Jordan, a court usually commutes or reduces sentences in such shameful cases. Between 15 and 20 women are murdered each year in Jordan in the name of honour, and their parliament has repeatedly refused to introduce reforms to punish the crime properly.

Yes, I certainly know which Jordan I prefer.

She says dumb things, but don't we all? The idiotic Archbishop of Canterbury, a former guest-editor of Today, has said that the adoption of some aspects of sharia law in this country "seems unavoidable... there's a place for finding what would be a constructive accommodation with some aspects of Muslim law". Like that on "honour" killing, perhaps, you ocean-going nutter.

Jordan's no dumber than Stephen Fry (who hasn't been a guest-editor of Today yet, but probably will be soon). Witness his claim that the MPs' expenses fraud was "not that important, it really isn't... a tedious, bourgeois obsession". And then there's the recent claim that women only sleep with men "because sex is the price they are willing to pay for a relationship". No. Stevie – men only sleep with YOU because sex is the price that they are willing to pay for a relationship with multi-millionaire Stephen Fry. And isn't it great that the Catholic Church has just given the go-ahead for male prostitutes to use condoms, but not married men? Because now Catholic male homosexuals can have sex without fear of infection whereas Catholic women can practice the form of disease-avoidance that obviously suits them best – complete abstinence. Sorted!

The mere mention of Katie Price stepping up to that iconic microphone has let loose a torrent of that most heinous of four-letter C-words: CHAV. Like I said, everybody's somebody's chav: I've had friends who were ex-prostitutes, welfare mothers and/or benefits dependents chuck the word about disparagingly of other low-status people, and it's as much as I could do not to laugh in their faces. The latest example of this – though the word chav wasn't actually used – was the vile X Factor freak Wagner (a benefit-blagger from Brazil) calling Cheryl Cole "a girl from a council estate who got lucky".

Her dignified response – "I am very proud of my roots, and I am very, very lucky" – said it all. No doubt about it – being non-racist is an extremely good thing. Sadly, over the past decade, an interesting number of those who passionately oppose racism in one breath have found no problem whatsoever in then firing vitriol and hatred at another group – the white working-class – thus proving themselves to be utter hypocrites.

Still, I can't say I'm that fussed anymore, because I've worked out that just like racists before them, if someone uses the word chav in a nasty way (as opposed to in a sarky, celebratory way like what I do) I know three things about them. I know they're socially insecure, that they haven't got half as far in life as they thought they would, and that they don't have sex much. Therefore the word is used as much in fear as in loathing – and that gives me a warm feeling to the bottom of my shiny chavvy soul, that snobs are suffering so tragically and lashing out so transparently. Go, Jordan!

I'll raise a glass as Ireland sheds the yoke of freedom

I've always found the idea that Irish nationalism is somehow radical really cretinous. With its reverence for the supremely reactionary Catholic Church, and its historical opposition to divorce, abortion, homosexuality, feminism and everything else that makes life worth living, it's about as radical as Islam.

Ireland, like Catholicism generally, has a slimy back-beat of anti-Semitism; the Prime Minister of "neutral" Ireland during the Second World War, Eamonn de Valera, famously signed the book of condolences at the German embassy in Dublin on the occasion of Hitler's death.

As a left-wing teenager, I don't know how many times I had to hear the argument that it was OK for the IRA to blow the arms and legs off an English child because they were basically a unit of the British imperialist war machine and therefore a legitimate target.

All for reunification with a toy state that made even married couples use cling film for condoms – wow, talk about aiming high!

Over the years I've watched Eire's tinpot posturing over its alleged Celtic Tiger economy and its smugness over the exemption from income tax for writers, composers and artists up to (since 2006) £250,000.

(And how damning it is of that creep Bono, that he even then feels the need to relocate part of his business to Holland, where the tax rate on royalties is even lower!)

It would be almost pleasurable to see the Chancellor handing over £7bn of our money to the clowns who run the preposterous place if it wasn't so annoying.

It made me recall the late Irish journalist Stan Gebler Davies who ran as a Unionist candidate in the 1987 elections in Eire under the slogan, "Removing the yoke of freedom from old Ireland's back".

Anyway, it'll give the keepers of the Celtic flame a chance to update those brain-dead old "rebel' songs for the better. From "The Wearing Of The Green" to "The Begging For The Green"? I'll drink to that!

Housewifery, not feminism, caused female depression

I recently read in this newspaper Joan Bakewell recalling her mother: "She was extremely intelligent but belonged to that generation where women were expected to stay behind, look after the children and keep an immaculate house. Although she did that with an almost fanatical attention to details, she didn't find it fulfilling. We didn't know it was called depression, of course, back then but that's what it was."

And I still remember my dad explaining that I was going to have to be a brave girl and go to nursery school full-time because "ladies get very sad if they have to stay at home".

Every babbling female cretin who expresses a hankering for the traditional sex roles of the good old days – the sort of saddo who can't come unless she's lying on a Cath Kidston bedspread – should remember that feminism did not cause female sorrow and depression.

On the contrary, female sorrow and depression – born from traditional sex roles – caused feminism. Any woman who can't grasp this is so profoundly thick that she should probably have her voting rights removed forthwith. That'll make life "simpler", won't it, you tragic bitches?

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Barnardo's: Corporate Audit and Inspection – Retail Intern (Leeds)

Unpaid - £4 lunch allowance plus travel to and from work: Barnardo's: Purpose ...

Recruitment Genius: Content Writer - Global Financial Services

£25000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: From modest beginnings the comp...

Recruitment Genius: Web Developer - PHP

£35000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: From modest beginnings the comp...

Recruitment Genius: Customer Service / Receptionist

£15000 - £24000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward, who were killed after a gunman opened fire during a live broadcast in Virginia  

Because of Facebook and Twitter I still have Alison Parker's final chilling moments looping in my head

Nash Riggins
A Chinese investor holds prayer beads as he monitors stock prices at a brokerage house in Beijing  

We fear China's growing power. But it is morally reprehensible to celebrate the country's woes

Fokke Obbema
The Silk Roads that trace civilisation: Long before the West rose to power, Asian pathways were connecting peoples and places

The Silk Roads that trace civilisation

Long before the West rose to power, Asian pathways were connecting peoples and places
House of Lords: Outcry as donors, fixers and MPs caught up in expenses scandal are ennobled

The honours that shame Britain

Outcry as donors, fixers and MPs caught up in expenses scandal are ennobled
When it comes to street harassment, we need to talk about race

'When it comes to street harassment, we need to talk about race'

Why are black men living the stereotypes and why are we letting them get away with it?
International Tap Festival: Forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers - this dancing is improvised, spontaneous and rhythmic

International Tap Festival comes to the UK

Forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers - this dancing is improvised, spontaneous and rhythmic
War with Isis: Is Turkey's buffer zone in Syria a matter of self-defence – or just anti-Kurd?

Turkey's buffer zone in Syria: self-defence – or just anti-Kurd?

Ankara accused of exacerbating racial division by allowing Turkmen minority to cross the border
Doris Lessing: Acclaimed novelist was kept under MI5 observation for 18 years, newly released papers show

'A subversive brothel keeper and Communist'

Acclaimed novelist Doris Lessing was kept under MI5 observation for 18 years, newly released papers show
Big Blue Live: BBC's Springwatch offshoot swaps back gardens for California's Monterey Bay

BBC heads to the Californian coast

The Big Blue Live crew is preparing for the first of three episodes on Sunday night, filming from boats, planes and an aquarium studio
Austin Bidwell: The Victorian fraudster who shook the Bank of England with the most daring forgery the world had known

Victorian fraudster who shook the Bank of England

Conman Austin Bidwell. was a heartless cad who carried out the most daring forgery the world had known
Car hacking scandal: Security designed to stop thieves hot-wiring almost every modern motor has been cracked

Car hacking scandal

Security designed to stop thieves hot-wiring almost every modern motor has been cracked
10 best placemats

Take your seat: 10 best placemats

Protect your table and dine in style with a bold new accessory
Ashes 2015: Alastair Cook not the only one to be caught in The Oval mindwarp

Cook not the only one to be caught in The Oval mindwarp

Aussie skipper Michael Clarke was lured into believing that what we witnessed at Edgbaston and Trent Bridge would continue in London, says Kevin Garside
Can Rafael Benitez get the best out of Gareth Bale at Real Madrid?

Can Benitez get the best out of Bale?

Back at the club he watched as a boy, the pressure is on Benitez to find a winning blend from Real's multiple talents. As La Liga begins, Pete Jenson asks if it will be enough to stop Barcelona
Athletics World Championships 2015: Beijing witnesses new stage in the Jessica Ennis-Hill and Katarina Johnson-Thompson heptathlon rivalry

Beijing witnesses new stage in the Jess and Kat rivalry

The last time the two British heptathletes competed, Ennis-Hill was on the way to Olympic gold and Johnson-Thompson was just a promising teenager. But a lot has happened in the following three years
Jeremy Corbyn: Joining a shrewd operator desperate for power as he visits the North East

Jeremy Corbyn interview: A shrewd operator desperate for power

His radical anti-austerity agenda has caught the imagination of the left and politically disaffected and set a staid Labour leadership election alight
Isis executes Palmyra antiquities chief: Defender of ancient city's past was killed for protecting its future

Isis executes Palmyra antiquities chief

Robert Fisk on the defender of the ancient city's past who was killed for protecting its future