A radical solution to antisocial behaviour

Dog-owners will be executed if they allow their pets to foul the grass

Share

Yes, it's time to test you on your knowledge of the news again!

Yes, it's time to test you on your knowledge of the news again!

And it's almost as easy as switching on a TV set. I simply bring you five stories about recent news. Only one of them is actually authentic. The rest are all concocted for the occasion. What you have to do is pick out the true story. Easy, isn't it?

So here we go with this week's helping of stories for you to mull over...

1. The people of Bath have come up with a novel solution to their Spa headache.

As is well-known, the city of Bath is in real trouble with its new spa scheme. The still unopened spa building has run into financial and structural difficulties, the builders Mowlem have been ordered off the site and the architect Nicholas Grimshaw is nowhere to be seen.

How, Bath and North-east Somerset council are asking themselves, can a modern spa go so badly wrong in a city where the ancient Romans built such a successful and enduring hot bath scheme?

They have now done the obvious, and gone back to the original Roman builders. Bath have been in touch with the Italian government to get a team of experts sent out from Rome who can use the ancient Roman techniques to sort out all their modern problems. Already the first expert to arrive from Rome has looked at the site and pronounced: "Non est problema. Omnis est bene."

2. An American student is suing a correspondence college for teaching him the wrong language. Rice Bentley Jnr had signed up for a two-year course to learn Inuit, prior to going to live in the frozen north and take part in an anthropological survey of Eskimo living habits.

However, the professor who was in charge of the language course was a fierce champion of a dying Amazon tongue called Nqiti, spoken by a small threatened tribe in the jungle, and he decided to teach Mr Bentley that instead of Inuit.

Now that Mr Bentley has unwittingly become fairly fluent in Nqiti, he has found that the tribe which speaks it has become extinct, and he may well be the only person in the world who is able to speak it, apart from the professor he is suing.

3. A Muscovy duck called Jake the Drake was banned from the country park in Devon where he lived, because he was a sexual nuisance to the other wildfowl. He was relocated eight miles away, unable to fly back to his old home because he was too fat to take off.

Undeterred, he decided to walk back to his old home. It took him four weeks to walk the eight miles, during which he dodged foxes, crossed the dangerous A39 and swam the River Yeo. As soon as he got back home, he was reunited with his old female mate Jemima, and resumed carnal relations immediately.

4. The reason that the new German Pope was elected so quickly was not that Ratzinger was so popular. It was because, when the cardinals came down on the second morning, they found his beach towel already occupying the Papal chair.

5. Abdel Hassan is believed to be the only candidate who is representing the Taliban at the forthcoming British election.

He is one of the many fringe candidates standing against the Prime Minister, Tony Blair, in his Sedgefield constituency. Earlier this week Mr Hassan issued his Taliban manifesto, the main points of which are: 1. All dog-owners to be executed if they allow their pets to foul communal grass. 2. No music of any kind to be played on any radio. 3. All women to stay in the home all day. 4. Durham Cathedral to be razed to the ground.

Preliminary polls suggest that his measures may be unexpectedly popular.

Well? Have you made your selection?

If you went for the Jake the Drake story, you were absolutely spot on ( which is a bit of a pity, as I was quite convinced by the story about Rice Bentley Jr and the Nqiti language, even though I did make it up ... )

Another news test coming soon!

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Senior Digital Marketing Consultant

£28000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Senior Digital Marketing Cons...

Recruitment Genius: Assistant Stores Keeper

£16640 - £18500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An Assistant Stores Keeper is r...

Recruitment Genius: Claims Administrator

£16000 - £18500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an excellent opportunit...

Recruitment Genius: Software Developer - C# / ASP.NET / SQL

£17000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Developer required to join a bu...

Day In a Page

Read Next
New rules mean individuals will no longer be allowed to register other people in their household  

A political voice that really needs to be heard

Rebecca Armstrong
If Miliband is PM, it is expected that Cameron will stand down as party leader quickly  

Election 2015: The Ed Miliband I worked with in Downing Street

Nick Rowley
Fishing for votes with Nigel Farage: The Ukip leader shows how he can work an audience as he casts his line to the disaffected of Grimsby

Fishing is on Nigel Farage's mind

Ukip leader casts a line to the disaffected
Who is bombing whom in the Middle East? It's amazing they don't all hit each other

Who is bombing whom in the Middle East?

Robert Fisk untangles the countries and factions
China's influence on fashion: At the top of the game both creatively and commercially

China's influence on fashion

At the top of the game both creatively and commercially
Lord O’Donnell: Former cabinet secretary on the election and life away from the levers of power

The man known as GOD has a reputation for getting the job done

Lord O'Donnell's three principles of rule
Rainbow shades: It's all bright on the night

Rainbow shades

It's all bright on the night
'It was first time I had ever tasted chocolate. I kept a piece, and when Amsterdam was liberated, I gave it to the first Allied soldier I saw'

Bread from heaven

Dutch survivors thank RAF for World War II drop that saved millions
Britain will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power - Labour

How 'the Axe' helped Labour

UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power
Rare and exclusive video shows the horrific price paid by activists for challenging the rule of jihadist extremists in Syria

The price to be paid for challenging the rule of extremists

A revolution now 'consuming its own children'
Welcome to the world of Megagames

Welcome to the world of Megagames

300 players take part in Watch the Skies! board game in London
'Nymphomaniac' actress reveals what it was really like to star in one of the most explicit films ever

Charlotte Gainsbourg on 'Nymphomaniac'

Starring in one of the most explicit films ever
Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers

Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi

The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers
Vince Cable interview: Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'

Vince Cable exclusive interview

Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'
Iwan Rheon interview: Game of Thrones star returns to his Welsh roots to record debut album

Iwan Rheon is returning to his Welsh roots

Rheon is best known for his role as the Bastard of Bolton. It's gruelling playing a sadistic torturer, he tells Craig McLean, but it hasn't stopped him recording an album of Welsh psychedelia
Russell Brand's interview with Ed Miliband has got everyone talking about The Trews

Everyone is talking about The Trews

Russell Brand's 'true news' videos attract millions of viewers. But today's 'Milibrand' interview introduced his resolutely amateurish style to a whole new crowd
Morne Hardenberg interview: Cameraman for BBC's upcoming show Shark on filming the ocean's most dangerous predator

It's time for my close-up

Meet the man who films great whites for a living