A radical solution to antisocial behaviour

Dog-owners will be executed if they allow their pets to foul the grass

Share

Yes, it's time to test you on your knowledge of the news again!

Yes, it's time to test you on your knowledge of the news again!

And it's almost as easy as switching on a TV set. I simply bring you five stories about recent news. Only one of them is actually authentic. The rest are all concocted for the occasion. What you have to do is pick out the true story. Easy, isn't it?

So here we go with this week's helping of stories for you to mull over...

1. The people of Bath have come up with a novel solution to their Spa headache.

As is well-known, the city of Bath is in real trouble with its new spa scheme. The still unopened spa building has run into financial and structural difficulties, the builders Mowlem have been ordered off the site and the architect Nicholas Grimshaw is nowhere to be seen.

How, Bath and North-east Somerset council are asking themselves, can a modern spa go so badly wrong in a city where the ancient Romans built such a successful and enduring hot bath scheme?

They have now done the obvious, and gone back to the original Roman builders. Bath have been in touch with the Italian government to get a team of experts sent out from Rome who can use the ancient Roman techniques to sort out all their modern problems. Already the first expert to arrive from Rome has looked at the site and pronounced: "Non est problema. Omnis est bene."

2. An American student is suing a correspondence college for teaching him the wrong language. Rice Bentley Jnr had signed up for a two-year course to learn Inuit, prior to going to live in the frozen north and take part in an anthropological survey of Eskimo living habits.

However, the professor who was in charge of the language course was a fierce champion of a dying Amazon tongue called Nqiti, spoken by a small threatened tribe in the jungle, and he decided to teach Mr Bentley that instead of Inuit.

Now that Mr Bentley has unwittingly become fairly fluent in Nqiti, he has found that the tribe which speaks it has become extinct, and he may well be the only person in the world who is able to speak it, apart from the professor he is suing.

3. A Muscovy duck called Jake the Drake was banned from the country park in Devon where he lived, because he was a sexual nuisance to the other wildfowl. He was relocated eight miles away, unable to fly back to his old home because he was too fat to take off.

Undeterred, he decided to walk back to his old home. It took him four weeks to walk the eight miles, during which he dodged foxes, crossed the dangerous A39 and swam the River Yeo. As soon as he got back home, he was reunited with his old female mate Jemima, and resumed carnal relations immediately.

4. The reason that the new German Pope was elected so quickly was not that Ratzinger was so popular. It was because, when the cardinals came down on the second morning, they found his beach towel already occupying the Papal chair.

5. Abdel Hassan is believed to be the only candidate who is representing the Taliban at the forthcoming British election.

He is one of the many fringe candidates standing against the Prime Minister, Tony Blair, in his Sedgefield constituency. Earlier this week Mr Hassan issued his Taliban manifesto, the main points of which are: 1. All dog-owners to be executed if they allow their pets to foul communal grass. 2. No music of any kind to be played on any radio. 3. All women to stay in the home all day. 4. Durham Cathedral to be razed to the ground.

Preliminary polls suggest that his measures may be unexpectedly popular.

Well? Have you made your selection?

If you went for the Jake the Drake story, you were absolutely spot on ( which is a bit of a pity, as I was quite convinced by the story about Rice Bentley Jr and the Nqiti language, even though I did make it up ... )

Another news test coming soon!

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Multi Skilled Engineer - Electrical / Mechanical / Maintenance

£20000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A multi-skilled engineer with a...

Recruitment Genius: Electronic Service Engineer - Television & HI-FI

£17000 - £21000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Engineers for field & bench ser...

Recruitment Genius: Digital Designer - Award Winning Agency

£30000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A fantastic opportunity for a t...

Recruitment Genius: Project Manager

£35000 - £50000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This global provider of call ce...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Punks show off the Doctor Marten boots as they gather in Blackpool for the annual Rebellion Punk Rock Festival  

Recalling my act of punk rebellion at school shows how different attitudes are today

Rosie Millard
A hormone released when someone is under stress or pressure has been found in breast milk  

Shaming women for being unable to breastfeed is wrong, and it needs to stop

Siobhan Freegard
Blundering Tony Blair quits as Middle East peace envoy – only Israel will miss him

Blundering Blair quits as Middle East peace envoy – only Israel will miss him

For Arabs – and for Britons who lost their loved ones in his shambolic war in Iraq – his appointment was an insult, says Robert Fisk
Fifa corruption arrests: All hail the Feds for riding to football's rescue

Fifa corruption arrests

All hail the Feds for riding to football's rescue, says Ian Herbert
Isis in Syria: The Kurdish enclave still resisting the tyranny of President Assad and militant fighters

The Kurdish enclave still resisting the tyranny of Assad and Isis

In Syrian Kurdish cantons along the Turkish border, the progressive aims of the 2011 uprising are being enacted despite the war. Patrick Cockburn returns to Amuda
How I survived Cambodia's Killing Fields: Acclaimed surgeon SreyRam Kuy celebrates her mother's determination to escape the US

How I survived Cambodia's Killing Fields

Acclaimed surgeon SreyRam Kuy celebrates her mother's determination to escape to the US
Stephen Mangan interview: From posh buffoon to pregnant dad, the actor has quite a range

How Stephen Mangan got his range

Posh buffoon, hapless writer, pregnant dad - Mangan is certainly a versatile actor
The ZX Spectrum has been crowd-funded back into play - with some 21st-century tweaks

The ZX Spectrum is back

The ZX Spectrum was the original - and for some players, still the best. David Crookes meets the fans who've kept the games' flames lit
Grace of Monaco film panned: even the screenwriter pours scorn on biopic starring Nicole Kidman

Even the screenwriter pours scorn on Grace of Monaco biopic

The critics had a field day after last year's premiere, but the savaging goes on
Menstrual Hygiene Day: The strange ideas people used to believe about periods

Menstrual Hygiene Day: The strange ideas people once had about periods

If one was missed, vomiting blood was seen as a viable alternative
The best work perks: From free travel cards to making dreams come true (really)

The quirks of work perks

From free travel cards to making dreams come true (really)
Is bridge the latest twee pastime to get hip?

Is bridge becoming hip?

The number of young players has trebled in the past year. Gillian Orr discovers if this old game has new tricks
Long author-lists on research papers are threatening the academic work system

The rise of 'hyperauthorship'

Now that academic papers are written by thousands (yes, thousands) of contributors, it's getting hard to tell workers from shirkers
The rise of Lego Clubs: How toys are helping children struggling with social interaction to build better relationships

The rise of Lego Clubs

How toys are helping children struggling with social interaction to build better relationships
5 best running glasses

On your marks: 5 best running glasses

Whether you’re pounding pavements, parks or hill passes, keep your eyes protected in all weathers
Joe Root: 'Ben Stokes gives everything – he’s rubbing off on us all'

'Ben Stokes gives everything – he’s rubbing off on us all'

Joe Root says the England dressing room is a happy place again – and Stokes is the catalyst
Raif Badawi: Wife pleads for fresh EU help as Saudi blogger's health worsens

Please save my husband

As the health of blogger Raif Badawi worsens in prison, his wife urges EU governments to put pressure on the Saudi Arabian royal family to allow her husband to join his family in Canada