A tale of paradise vs the stag party

Share
Related Topics

Today I bring you an adventure story from the South Seas, a tale of ancient derring-do, but with a modern twist !

The tiny Pacific island known as Scottish Bank Holiday is idyllic. There are multi-hued parrots, and feathery palm trees, and a small bar, called Hernando's. It is perhaps the most peaceful island in the Pacific, and has been ever since it was first spotted and named by Captain Cook.

(He had been in too much hurry to land and explore, but according to the custom of the times he had glanced in his diary and named it after the day on which it was first sighted.)

Nothing much had ever happened there, except in the Year of the Great Japanese Rumour, in 1973. The rumour had been that the Japanese wished to buy the island and build three golf courses. It turned out to be true, and the islanders were allowed to vote on it. But by the time they had worked out how to conduct a referendum, the Japanese had grown tired of waiting for their decision and had bought another island, called Boxing Day Island, then renamed it St Andrew's Island and charged people $10,000 a year to be members. So Scottish Bank Holiday had remained undiscovered.

One day Hernando was looking out of the bar he had named after himself when he noticed a boat coming in through the surf towards the harbour. It was being rowed by 16 men. They rowed raggedly, and occasionally one of the rowers fell over backwards to great shouts of laughter from the others.

"Look," said Hernando to the only drinker in the bar, who was called Lorenzo and was Prime Minister of the island, as well as being the island's chief mechanic. "There is a boat coming through the surf. Being rowed. We have not seen anyone arrive by rowing boat since about 1850."

"Well, perhaps they are making a film," said Lorenzo, who was one of the few people on the island with a television set and therefore had seen programmes about what happened to places which had served as the location for films. (They were always made rich in the process, though ruined in every other way.)

"I don't think they are making a film," said Hernando. "I think they are just drunk."

As they watched, the boat crashed onto the beach. The 16 rowers clambered out of the boat and fell about in the sea. At first sight it looked as if they were all naked, but then it dawned on the horrified Hernando and Lorenzo that they were wearing giant nappies. And all had baby's dummies in their mouths. They started climbing up the beach, clearly very drunk and very amused by everything that every one of them said and did.

"Oh, my God," said Lorenzo, who had seen such things on his television. "It's a British stag party."

"What does that mean?" said Hernando. "Are they going to invade us and take over the place? Will you be deposed?"

"Nothing like that," said Lorenzo. "They will drink as much as they can and take their clothes off and make very rude suggestions to our womenfolk which they would be incapable of fulfilling, and after two days they will leave, having spent all their money."

"Do you suppose," said Hernando, looking out of the window as the lads crawled up the beach, "if we held on to them for ransom, we could get any money from their families in return for their return ?"

"Do you think anyone in their right mind would pay good money for their return?" said Lorenzo.

Hernando thought abut this. "Well, perhaps they would pay us to keep them here," he said.

He never heard Lorenzo's answer to this, for at that moment the first of the stag party had arrived at the bar and was trying to locate the front door. Failing to do so, he came in through the window and fell flat on his face. Everyone else roared with laughter.

The party was on !

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Account Manager

£20000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This full service social media ...

Recruitment Genius: Data Analyst - Online Marketing

£24000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: We are 'Changemakers in retail'...

Austen Lloyd: Senior Residential Conveyancer

Very Competitive: Austen Lloyd: Senior Conveyancer - South West We are see...

Austen Lloyd: Residential / Commercial Property Solicitor

Excellent Salary: Austen Lloyd: DORSET MARKET TOWN - SENIOR PROPERTY SOLICITOR...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Letter from the Deputy Editor: i’s Review of the Year

Andrew Webster
RIP Voicemail?  

Voicemail has got me out of some tight corners, so let's not abandon it

Simon Kelner
A Christmas without hope: Fears grow in Gaza that the conflict with Israel will soon reignite

Christmas without hope

Gaza fears grow that conflict with Israel will soon reignite
After 150 years, you can finally visit the grisliest museum in the country

The 'Black Museum'

After 150 years, you can finally visit Britain's grisliest museum
No ho-ho-hos with Nick Frost's badass Santa

No ho-ho-hos with Nick Frost's badass Santa

Doctor Who Christmas Special TV review
Chilly Christmas: Swimmers take festive dip for charity

Chilly Christmas

Swimmers dive into freezing British waters for charity
Veterans' hostel 'overwhelmed by kindness' for festive dinner

Homeless Veterans appeal

In 2010, Sgt Gary Jamieson stepped on an IED in Afghanistan and lost his legs and an arm. He reveals what, and who, helped him to make a remarkable recovery
Isis in Iraq: Yazidi girls killing themselves to escape rape and imprisonment by militants

'Jilan killed herself in the bathroom. She cut her wrists and hanged herself'

Yazidi girls killing themselves to escape rape and imprisonment
Ed Balls interview: 'If I think about the deficit when I'm playing the piano, it all goes wrong'

Ed Balls interview

'If I think about the deficit when I'm playing the piano, it all goes wrong'
He's behind you, dude!

US stars in UK panto

From David Hasselhoff to Jerry Hall
Grace Dent's Christmas Quiz: What are you – a festive curmudgeon or top of the tree?

Grace Dent's Christmas Quiz

What are you – a festive curmudgeon or top of the tree?
Nasa planning to build cloud cities in airships above Venus

Nasa planning to build cloud cities in airships above Venus

Planet’s surface is inhospitable to humans but 30 miles above it is almost perfect
Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history - clocks, rifles, frogmen’s uniforms and colonial helmets

Clocks, rifles, swords, frogmen’s uniforms

Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history
Return to Gaza: Four months on, the wounds left by Israel's bombardment have not yet healed

Four months after the bombardment, Gaza’s wounds are yet to heal

Kim Sengupta is reunited with a man whose plight mirrors the suffering of the Palestinian people
Gastric surgery: Is it really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Is gastric surgery really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Critics argue that it’s crazy to operate on healthy people just to stop them eating
Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction Part 2 - now LIVE

Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction

Bid on original art, or trips of a lifetime to Africa or the 'Corrie' set, and help Homeless Veterans
Pantomime rings the changes to welcome autistic theatre-goers

Autism-friendly theatre

Pantomime leads the pack in quest to welcome all