A tale of paradise vs the stag party

Share
Related Topics

Today I bring you an adventure story from the South Seas, a tale of ancient derring-do, but with a modern twist !

The tiny Pacific island known as Scottish Bank Holiday is idyllic. There are multi-hued parrots, and feathery palm trees, and a small bar, called Hernando's. It is perhaps the most peaceful island in the Pacific, and has been ever since it was first spotted and named by Captain Cook.

(He had been in too much hurry to land and explore, but according to the custom of the times he had glanced in his diary and named it after the day on which it was first sighted.)

Nothing much had ever happened there, except in the Year of the Great Japanese Rumour, in 1973. The rumour had been that the Japanese wished to buy the island and build three golf courses. It turned out to be true, and the islanders were allowed to vote on it. But by the time they had worked out how to conduct a referendum, the Japanese had grown tired of waiting for their decision and had bought another island, called Boxing Day Island, then renamed it St Andrew's Island and charged people $10,000 a year to be members. So Scottish Bank Holiday had remained undiscovered.

One day Hernando was looking out of the bar he had named after himself when he noticed a boat coming in through the surf towards the harbour. It was being rowed by 16 men. They rowed raggedly, and occasionally one of the rowers fell over backwards to great shouts of laughter from the others.

"Look," said Hernando to the only drinker in the bar, who was called Lorenzo and was Prime Minister of the island, as well as being the island's chief mechanic. "There is a boat coming through the surf. Being rowed. We have not seen anyone arrive by rowing boat since about 1850."

"Well, perhaps they are making a film," said Lorenzo, who was one of the few people on the island with a television set and therefore had seen programmes about what happened to places which had served as the location for films. (They were always made rich in the process, though ruined in every other way.)

"I don't think they are making a film," said Hernando. "I think they are just drunk."

As they watched, the boat crashed onto the beach. The 16 rowers clambered out of the boat and fell about in the sea. At first sight it looked as if they were all naked, but then it dawned on the horrified Hernando and Lorenzo that they were wearing giant nappies. And all had baby's dummies in their mouths. They started climbing up the beach, clearly very drunk and very amused by everything that every one of them said and did.

"Oh, my God," said Lorenzo, who had seen such things on his television. "It's a British stag party."

"What does that mean?" said Hernando. "Are they going to invade us and take over the place? Will you be deposed?"

"Nothing like that," said Lorenzo. "They will drink as much as they can and take their clothes off and make very rude suggestions to our womenfolk which they would be incapable of fulfilling, and after two days they will leave, having spent all their money."

"Do you suppose," said Hernando, looking out of the window as the lads crawled up the beach, "if we held on to them for ransom, we could get any money from their families in return for their return ?"

"Do you think anyone in their right mind would pay good money for their return?" said Lorenzo.

Hernando thought abut this. "Well, perhaps they would pay us to keep them here," he said.

He never heard Lorenzo's answer to this, for at that moment the first of the stag party had arrived at the bar and was trying to locate the front door. Failing to do so, he came in through the window and fell flat on his face. Everyone else roared with laughter.

The party was on !

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Solutions Architect - Permanent - London - £70k DOE

£60000 - £70000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

General Cover Teacher

£110 - £130 per day: Randstad Education Reading: Great opportunities for Cover...

Maths Teacher

£110 - £130 per day: Randstad Education Reading: QTS Maths Teachers needed for...

Maths Teacher

£110 - £130 per day: Randstad Education Reading: QTS Maths Teachers needed for...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The bustling Accident & Emergency ward at Milton Keynes Hospital  

The NHS needs the courage to adapt and survive

Nigel Edwards
 

Letter from the Sub-Editor: Canada is seen as a peaceful nation, but violent crime isn’t as rare as you might think

Jeffrey Simpson
How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

A crime that reveals London's dark heart

How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?
Meet 'Porridge' and 'Vampire': Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker

Lost in translation: Western monikers

Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker. Simon Usborne, who met a 'Porridge' and a 'Vampire' while in China, can see the problem
Handy hacks that make life easier: New book reveals how to rid your inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone

Handy hacks that make life easier

New book reveals how to rid your email inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone with a loo-roll
KidZania lets children try their hands at being a firefighter, doctor or factory worker for the day

KidZania: It's a small world

The new 'educational entertainment experience' in London's Shepherd's Bush will allow children to try out the jobs that are usually undertaken by adults, including firefighter, doctor or factory worker
Renée Zellweger's real crime has been to age in an industry that prizes women's youth over humanity

'Renée Zellweger's real crime was to age'

The actress's altered appearance raised eyebrows at Elle's Women in Hollywood awards on Monday
From Cinderella to The Jungle Book, Disney plans live-action remakes of animated classics

Disney plans live-action remakes of animated classics

From Cinderella to The Jungle Book, Patrick Grafton-Green wonders if they can ever recapture the old magic
Thousands of teenagers to visit battlefields of the First World War in new Government scheme

Pupils to visit First World War battlefields

A new Government scheme aims to bring the the horrors of the conflict to life over the next five years
The 10 best smartphone accessories

Make the most of your mobile: 10 best smartphone accessories

Try these add-ons for everything from secret charging to making sure you never lose your keys again
Mario Balotelli substituted at half-time against Real Madrid: Was this shirt swapping the real reason?

Liverpool v Real Madrid

Mario Balotelli substituted at half-time. Was shirt swapping the real reason?
West Indies tour of India: Hurricane set to sweep Windies into the shadows

Hurricane set to sweep Windies into the shadows

Decision to pull out of India tour leaves the WICB fighting for its existence with an off-field storm building
Indiana serial killer? Man arrested for murdering teenage prostitute confesses to six other murders - and police fear there could be many more

A new American serial killer?

Police fear man arrested for murder of teen prostitute could be responsible for killing spree dating back 20 years
Sweetie, the fake 10-year-old girl designed to catch online predators, claims her first scalp

Sting to trap paedophiles may not carry weight in UK courts

Computer image of ‘Sweetie’ represented entrapment, experts say
Fukushima nuclear crisis: Evacuees still stuck in cramped emergency housing three years on - and may never return home

Return to Fukushima – a land they will never call home again

Evacuees still stuck in cramped emergency housing three years on from nuclear disaster
Wildlife Photographer of the Year: Intimate image of resting lions claims top prize

Wildlife Photographer of the Year

Intimate image of resting lions claims top prize
Online petitions: Sign here to change the world

Want to change the world? Just sign here

The proliferation of online petitions allows us to register our protests at the touch of a button. But do they change anything?