A ticket to nowhere

'Excuse me! There is nothing fake about these raffle tickets! They are all genuine tickets. They are just from other raffles, that's all'

Yesterday I brought you part of a High Court Trial in which the dance band musician Sidney Chester is up on a charge of regularly conspiring to win raffles by cheating. Here are some more of the riveting proceedings...

Counsel: Now, Mr Chester, perhaps you will explain your system of winning raffles to us. As I understand it, you accumulate a whole jacketful of raffle tickets from one charity dance to another, so that more often than not you have the right numbered ticket on you, is that right?

Chester: Something like that.

Counsel: And so if someone says: "Prize No 3, red ticket No 463," you would immediately look in your collection of red tickets to see if you had that number?

Chester: Sort of. Of course, they wouldn't say "Prize No 3, red ticket No 463".

Counsel: Why not?

Chester: There aren't any red tickets in a raffle. They are always pink.

Counsel: I see. But suppose you had pink ticket No 463 and it was called, would you claim the prize?

Chester: It all depends. You have to wait a moment and see if anyone produces a winning ticket. If they don't, you claim it. It's got to be a prize that nobody else has claimed.

Counsel: Why?

Chester: Because if I hold up the "winning" ticket and someone else does as well, they're going to inspect both, and then they'll find that mine is not quite right, which would be highly embarrassing. There's nothing a band hates more than having its drummer arrested for raffle-linked offences. So if there's a prize that no one claims, I wait for the third announcement, then hold up my "winning" ticket.

Counsel: If you are so determined to get a raffle prize with a fake ticket...

Chester: Excuse me! There is nothing fake about these tickets! They are all genuine tickets. They are just from other raffles, that's all.

Counsel: I am sorry. If you are so determined to win with a ticket from another raffle, why not buy a whole new roll of tickets just as the organisers do? Then you'd be bound to have the right number.

Chester: That would be cheating.

Counsel: I see.

Chester: Also, it would be dangerous.

Counsel: Dangerous? In what way?

Chester: Well, I once came up against a man at a raffle who had bought a whole roll of tickets. The only prize I really fancied was the £50 Waitrose voucher. When we came to it, the man drawing the numbers said: "The Waitrose voucher – and the winner is... green ticket, No 045!". I looked quickly at my tickets. I had green 045 left over from some previous raffle. I jumped up and said I had it. Simultaneously I noticed a man in the crowd waving a ticket. We converged on the microphone at the same time. I could see the bulge of the roll of tickets in his pocket. I knew he was a fraud. I knew that if I faced up to him, he would back down. He didn't know that I was a fraud, too. There was no way he could have known, was there? We faced each other. A lazy, arrogant smile played over his features. A lazy, arrogant smile played over my features. I narrowed my eyes. He narrowed his eyes. He gave me a quizzical look. I returned it. Our eyes burned into each other. For a moment, there was war between us. It was as if two rogue elephants...

Counsel: Mr Chester!

Chester: Yes?

Counsel: What actually happened?

Chester: Oh, the man with the microphone said we should draw for the prize again, and this time it went to a clergyman's wife with non-matching earrings. Curses on her, I say. And woe to all raffles! And I say also, a curse on all sandwiches provided for the band, for they are hard and dry! And woe to all dancers who do a smooch to our fast numbers! And a curse on all those who come to the bandstand and make a request for "Sweet Georgia Brown", for it is a tune I am verily sick of! I pronounce a curse on all bandleaders who think they can sing! And I also say, woe unto village-hall pianos, for they are sick, and a curse on village-hall lighting, for it will make a man blind! And...

Sidney Chester has since then been diagnosed as suffering badly from Dance Band Drummer Syndrome, and the trial has collapsed