Bring me the god of Tony Blair

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The Independent Online

It's about time we heard from the gods again. Or at least from the United Deities, the heavenly equivalent of the United Nations. This all-seeing convocation of gods of every belief, past and present, is in permanent session up above, monitoring our doings the whole time and bewailing their inability to change the course of events. Which is why it reminds people of the UN.

It's about time we heard from the gods again. Or at least from the United Deities, the heavenly equivalent of the United Nations. This all-seeing convocation of gods of every belief, past and present, is in permanent session up above, monitoring our doings the whole time and bewailing their inability to change the course of events. Which is why it reminds people of the UN.

Here are the minutes of the latest meeting.

1. The chairgod wondered if any god present had anything to say about the latest declaration by the Anglican Church.

2. An ancient Mayan god asked him to explain.

3. The chairgod started to explain that there had recently been a declaration by the all the Anglican bishops...

4. The Mayan god said he was not asking for the declaration to be explained. He was asking to be told what this Anglican Church was.

5. Jehovah, the Old Testament Jewish God, interrupted at this point to beg the chairgod to take no notice of any mischievous questions from old Mayan gods. It was well-known that Mayan gods had a disruptive sense of humour. Had they not after all persuaded their own people to abandon their own thriving centres of civilisation? As all gods were omniscient anyway, it seemed inconceivable that he would not know about the Anglican Church.

6. The Mayan god said that if they were all omniscient, what was the point of having discussions at all?

7. Jehovah said he knew he was going to say that.

8. The Mayan god said that if Jehovah was so bloody omniscient, what was he going to say next?

9. Jehovah said, he was going to say "Oh, no I am not!"

10. The Mayan god said, oh no, he wasn't.

11. The chairgod took a deep breath and said that the Anglican Church had issued a statement by its two archbishops and 114 of its bishops, condemning treatment by the Christian West of Islamic Iraq. What had anyone to say about this?

12. The Catholic God said that 114 bishops seemed excessive for the small turnover of the Anglican operation. Was the Anglican Church not desperately overmanaged? Was it not time for it to be downsized? Was this not a Marks and Spencer scenario in a religious setting?

13. The Mayan god asked for it to be explained to him what a Marks and Spencer scenario was.

14. Jehovah told the chairgod to pay no attention. The Mayan god was omniscient enough to know perfectly well what a Marks and Spencer scenario was.

16. The chairgod thanked him for that and moved rapidly on to the Anglican statement, which said that brutal actions by the Christian West in the Muslim East would lead to more warfare and hatred.

17. Mars, the Roman god of war, said he was all in favour of that. There hadn't been a decent war for years. The invasion of Iraq was not a war. It was a pushover. It was a training session for the Americans. Did they know what Mars hoped for? What Mars hoped for, now that Iraq had its own sovereignty, was a decision by Iraq to invade America and have a return match!

18. The chairgod said it was not a war that Iraq was likely to win.

19. Mars said, No, but it would be fun while it lasted.

20. The chairgod said it would be fun for war gods, but not for anyone else.

21. Jehovah said, as a matter of interest, was the West really Christian? It didn't behave in a very Christian way. President Bush seemed to think that Christianity was basically about giving the rich tax breaks. That was not what it said in his bit of the Bible.

22. The Christian God said it wasn't in his bit either. Quite the opposite.

23. And what about Mr Blair? wanted to know Jehovah. It was said Mr Blair belonged to no particular church, but believed in his own Christian god. Had anyone in heaven seen this mythical god? Was there a god called the god of Tony Blair?

24. The chairgod said that if the god of Tony Blair was present, could he make himself known?

More dramatic developments tomorrow.

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