Burglars baffled by Easter leftovers

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The Independent Online

I have received lots of letters from desperate readers who all have stacks of left-over Easter eggs, and no idea what to do with them. Can I, they want to know, suggest any unusual uses for chocolate?

I have received lots of letters from desperate readers who all have stacks of left-over Easter eggs, and no idea what to do with them. Can I, they want to know, suggest any unusual uses for chocolate?

Yes, I am only too happy to oblige. If you have more chocolate than you need, you can always:

1. Grate it into imitation coal for miniature steam railway layouts.

2. Use it as face paint, if you are a football fan who supports a team which plays in brown, or Spurs, if you have left-over white chocolate.

3. Shred it into imitation bat droppings.

4. Melt it on the naked body of your loved one.

5. And then, ironically, fail to lick it off.

6. Break it into little pieces and add it to the bird seed on your bird table.

7. Force it into keyholes to baffle burglars.

8. Take it to a football match and throw little pieces of it from behind the goal at a goalkeeper you like.

9. Use it to dye garden trellises a tasty shade of brown, and then have a lovely lingering smell of chocolate all summer long.

10. Leave it on the seats of people you don't much care for.

11. Crumble it into porridge as a change from brown sugar.

12. Use it as a squidgy sort of glue: Brown-Tack, perhaps.

13. Melt it and offer it at the Sunday lunch as gravy to people you really don't like very much at all.

14. Use tiny chocolate fragments to replace worn out brown asterisks in medieval manuscripts

15. If you are underweight and also have complexion problems, solve both problems by melting chocolate and using it as an edible face mudpack

16. Carve it into miniature cow-pats for toy farms.

17. Shred it into tiny brown spots which you can put on your face, just to try out if you would look good with freckles

18. Put a piece of chocolate as a bookmark inside a book belonging to someone you have no cause to like.

19. Use it to hide round the garden, prior to organising a Hunt-The-Leftover-Pieces-Of-Easter-Egg competition, or, if you have no children available, just hide round the garden, or, if you have no garden, just hide it round the garden of someone for whom you have no time.

20. Break it into small pieces and send it back to the maker of the Easter egg with a plaintive covering letter claiming that when you bought it, it was already in small pieces. The makers will then, of course, attempt to send you replacement eggs. However, you can thwart this attempt by giving your letter a false name and address, preferably of someone you don't like very much, and who is already overweight, and who will then receive a mystery delivery of unrequested Easter eggs.

A reader writes, Dear Mr Kington, I am mystified by one item in your list. Why would anyone want to shred chocolate into imitation bat droppings?

Another reader writes: Dear Mr Kington, Never mind the bat droppings - I am mystified by the idea of a football team that wears brown as its club colour! Has there ever been such a team? I have never heard anyone shouting, "Come on you browns!".

From lawyers representing the makers of Blu-Tack: Dear Mr Kington, The name Brown-Tack is obviously an invention but it clearly infringes the trade name rights of Blu-Tack, so if you don't apologise, we shall be round with a few hard men to sort you out.

Miles Kington writes: Sorry about that. But the good news is that all these letters win prizes! Easter eggs, as a matter of fact. They will be with you shortly.

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