Faded but not forgotten: the celebs of yesteryear

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Where are they now? Yesterday they filled our headlines. Yesterday we couldn't turn on a TV set or open a newspaper without seeing their big mugs all over the place. Suddenly they have vanished, and been replaced by a new crop of fresh, smiling, up-to-the-minute celebrities. No more Hans Blix, no more Angus Deayton...

But those celebrities of yesteryear are not all dead. They're not even old. So where are they now? Today we bring you an update on the big names that went small.

Princess Anne

Princess Anne is undergoing retraining as a non-dog owner.

Andrew Gilligan

Andrew Gilligan is busy sexing up his memoirs.

Simon Dee

Simon Dee is working on a TV programme called Whatever Happened to Chris Evans?

George Galloway

George Galloway is at this very minute asking his lawyers to go through this very paragraph to see if it contains any libellous material, which, to his chagrin, it does not.

Iain Duncan Smith

Iain Duncan Smith is keeping very quiet. But then, he promised he would.

John Birt

John Birt once did the necessary job of demoralising the BBC so that Greg Dyke could step in and rescue it. Now, fed up with his new job (tea boy at 10 Downing Street), he is preparing a leadership bid to come back in again as director-general of the BBC. Morale at the BBC is said to be slumping already at the news.

Greg Dyke

Greg Dyke is considering an invitation to appear on Room 101.

Keith Vaz

Scientists are now coming to believe that Keith Vaz never existed at all.

Saddam Hussein

Onetime leader of Iraq, Mr Hussein is now helping the Americans with their enquiries. The enquiries of the Americans take one form, and one form only: "Will you please, please, please show us some of your weapons of mass destruction?" Saddam refuses to do so. This is not because he is brave under questioning. It is because it has gradually dawned on him that his scientists were double-crossing him all along, and he didn't have any WMDs in the first place. He is now too embarrassed to own up to the truth.

Osama bin Laden

Osama bin Laden is living in a small cave somewhere in the Australian Outback and is planning the ultimate terrorist outrage: an all-out attack on the jungle camp where I'm a Celebrity... is being filmed. He reckons that this will get him the maximum coverage for the minimum effort. His aides say that although he has sworn never to attack a fellow Arab state, an onslaught on Jordan will not break this rule. This is believed to be the only time on record that Osama bin Laden has ever made a joke.

Jeffrey Archer

Jeffrey Archer is serving a life sentence at the Vicarage Open Prison, Grantchester.

Baroness Thatcher

Lady Thatcher is in the Virginia Bottomley & Mo Mowlam Home for Retired Stateswomen.

Robert Kilroy-Silk

Kilroy is sharing a taxi with Edwina Currie, en route to another chat show to talk to another person about something else.

Al Gore

In another, parallel universe, Al Gore is President of the United States. This he achieved by getting more votes than George W Bush. Of course, he did this in this universe as well, but in the other universe he has a brother who is Governor of Florida, Lem Gore, which helps a lot. Unlike President George Bush, President Gore has not invaded Iraq. He has invaded Canada instead, which took everyone by surprise, especially the Canadians. Canada is now set fair to become the latest state to join the United States. Its new governor may well be Al Gore's brother, Lem.