If you want my opinion, you can take it

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Most of us don't have the time to work out our opinions, and that's where our ground-breaking advice column, Opposite Options, comes in.

Most of us don't have the time to work out our opinions, and that's where our ground-breaking advice column, Opposite Options, comes in.

Here's how it works. you write in asking us what you should think about something. We supply you with two different opinions, each directly contradicting the other, so that you can choose the one that most suits your personality, or, if you haven't got a personality, the one that most nearly fits your previous opinions.

Get the idea? Here we go, then!

Should I be in favour of the new EU constitution or not?

A. Yes. If we disengage from Europe, we will drift towards America, with all that implies: crazy warmongering, global pollution and hamburgers made by firms whose bosses drop dead at 60.

B. No. The British should have no truck with constitutions. We have never had one and we don't need one. Constitutions are for people who need books of instructions before they can work anything. But modern instruction books are written in a kind of Japanese English which means nothing. In any case, constitutions are not sacrosanct to the Europeans - they tear them up like wrapping paper as soon as they need a new one. Why vote for something which will be discarded in 10 years?

Do we need more immigrants? Can they really do a job better than the British?

A. No. We already have all the immigrants we need. Look at the heads of the three main political parties. Two of them are immigrants from Scotland (Charles Kennedy and Gordon Brown), and one is of Baltic Jewish stock via Wales (Michael Howard). Where would we place any extra immigrants?

B. Yes, the more immigrants the better. They enrich British life immeasurably. Look at the leading football teams in Britain. They are full of French, Italian, Irish, Scottish players - hardly an Englishman among them. Look at the teams which are full of Englishmen - they are all Division Two or Three. Enough said.

Is it anti-Semitic to be anti-Israel?

A. No. Not if you preface your remarks by saying: "While I would never deny Israel's right to exist..."

B. Yes. Nobody can be anti-Israel without being anti-Semitic, not even other Jews - Jews who criticise Israel are now dismissed as "self-hating Jews". This might make more sense if there were such a thing as a "self-hating Gentile".

Should I be pro- or anti-science?

A. Pro. Otherwise there would be no progress.

B. Anti. What has progress ever done for us?

Do I approve of alternative medicine?

A. No. It is all unscientific, unproven hogwash for gullible people. There is not a shred of evidence that shiatsu, acupuncture or homeopathy actually works. They have tried to make it acceptable by calling it "complementary" medicine, which is about as useful as calling alternative comedy "complementary" comedy.

B. Yes. The failure of mainstream medicine to tackle the big diseases, the over-reliance on antibiotics, the creation of "superbugs" in hospitals, the increasing resistance of bacteria to drugs, all point to the bankruptcy of orthodox medicine. Our only hope now is in traditional practices and natural cures.

Should I like conceptual art?

A. Yes. Anyone who doesn't like it is afraid of being challenged, of being disturbed, of having their ideas shaken up.

B. No. Conceptual art is not there to be "liked". It is there to challenge and disturb people. And nobody really likes to be challenged and disturbed, especially if they have to pay an entry fee to have it done. There is something wrong with people who like to be disturbed. And challenged.

Are there any taboos still to be broken?

A. No.

B. Yes - approving publicly of Jeffrey Archer.