In Hoon can we trust any longer?

Share
Related Topics

One of the commonest delusions we suffer from is that we keep up with the news. The fact is that almost all the news bypasses almost all of us.

Don't believe me? Then it's clearly time for another of our little tests!

Here's how it works. I shall offer you four stories from the last week's news coverage, one of which is made up by me. What you have to do is spot it. Ready? Here we go then!

1) Geoff Hoon has proudly taken the credit for a life which was saved during the last Gulf War. And he claims the life was saved precisely because the supply of equipment was so badly organised.

Sergeant Robert Cahoot - the man whose life was saved - readily bears this out.

"I was on manoeuvres two months ago not far from Baghdad when orders came through that I was to take off my body armour and hand it to a colleague who was about to go into one of the worst trouble spots. So I took off my body armour and went to give it to him, 30 yards away. As I was handing it over, a grenade thrown by a dissident landed just where I had been a minute earlier and went off!

"If we had had enough equipment, and we had all had body armour, I would have been hit by the grenade and killed. I can only thank the MoD for being so inefficient. And Mr Hoon, of course."

2) The voting on the recent series of "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!" did not go quite as was reported on TV. After the fourth round, viewers were so fed up with the chirpy Geordie antics of Ant and Dec that more voted for them to be thrown out than any of the celebs. This voting was discounted, and the information suppressed by the TV company, as it would have put them in a bad light.

3) The elderly Earl of Strathgowrie, who has no children, was due to be succeeded when he dies by his nearest of kin, his nephew, the Hon Angus Telfer. Angus emigrated to Australia many years ago and his death was reported from there about four years ago. Cause of death was, it seems, a fatal accident on a golf course.

However, it now turns out that Angus - who had an aversion to inheriting the title or the extensive house and death duties of the earl - had faked his death to escape the inheritance. Not only did he not want the responsibility, he didn't want anyone in Australia to know his noble background, so he took a new name and moved to Perth. But an acquaintance of Angus' from Sydney recognised the "dead" man on a visit to Perth.

Lawyers are still trying to make out if it is illegal to fake your own death if there is no profit motive involved. The elderly earl has no comment to make, as he has been senile for years and has no idea what is going on.

4) A man has been arrested for carrying an empty litter bin on a London Tube train.

Sidney Redlane has been accused of taking the bin to Paddington in order to facilitate an explosion. Ever since litter bins have been banned from certain major London rail termini, in case terrorists left bombs in them, it has been almost impossible to get rid of litter or indeed to conceal a bomb. Redlane agrees that he was taking the bin to Paddington, but says he runs a small stall on the concourse selling fudge and is so appalled by the litter, which he believes drives customers away, that he was taking his own waste paper basket to work. Police, who are instructed to halt all suspicious movement of litter bins on public transport, are working on the theory that the fudge stall may have been set up as a terrorist front.

Well? Did you spot that the story about the fudge stall at Paddington was a load of hooey ? Well done!

Of course, the others were all fabricated as well. But that's modern journalism for you. Honestly, who can you trust these days?

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant - Swiss Banking and Finance

£20000 - £25000 per annum + Uncapped commission: SThree: Can you speak German,...

Ashdown Group: Marketing Executive - 6 month FTC - Central London

£25000 - £30000 per annum + benefits: Ashdown Group: An exciting opportunity f...

Ashdown Group: Junior Project Manager (website, web application) - Agile

£215 per day: Ashdown Group: Junior Project Manager (website, web application ...

Guru Careers: Pastry Sous Chef / Experienced Pastry Chef

£27K: Guru Careers: We are seeking a Pastry Sous Chef / Experienced Pastry Che...

Day In a Page

Read Next
IDF soldiers and vehicles in an image provided by campaign group Breaking the Silence  

'Any person you see – shoot to kill': The IDF doctrine which causes the death of innocent Palestinians

Ron Zaidel
 

If I were Prime Minister: I'd give tax cuts to the rich, keep Trident, and get my football team wrong

Frankie Boyle
Fishing for votes with Nigel Farage: The Ukip leader shows how he can work an audience as he casts his line to the disaffected of Grimsby

Fishing is on Nigel Farage's mind

Ukip leader casts a line to the disaffected
Who is bombing whom in the Middle East? It's amazing they don't all hit each other

Who is bombing whom in the Middle East?

Robert Fisk untangles the countries and factions
China's influence on fashion: At the top of the game both creatively and commercially

China's influence on fashion

At the top of the game both creatively and commercially
Lord O’Donnell: Former cabinet secretary on the election and life away from the levers of power

The man known as GOD has a reputation for getting the job done

Lord O'Donnell's three principles of rule
Rainbow shades: It's all bright on the night

Rainbow shades

It's all bright on the night
'It was first time I had ever tasted chocolate. I kept a piece, and when Amsterdam was liberated, I gave it to the first Allied soldier I saw'

Bread from heaven

Dutch survivors thank RAF for World War II drop that saved millions
Britain will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power - Labour

How 'the Axe' helped Labour

UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power
Rare and exclusive video shows the horrific price paid by activists for challenging the rule of jihadist extremists in Syria

The price to be paid for challenging the rule of extremists

A revolution now 'consuming its own children'
Welcome to the world of Megagames

Welcome to the world of Megagames

300 players take part in Watch the Skies! board game in London
'Nymphomaniac' actress reveals what it was really like to star in one of the most explicit films ever

Charlotte Gainsbourg on 'Nymphomaniac'

Starring in one of the most explicit films ever
Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers

Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi

The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers
Vince Cable interview: Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'

Vince Cable exclusive interview

Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'
Iwan Rheon interview: Game of Thrones star returns to his Welsh roots to record debut album

Iwan Rheon is returning to his Welsh roots

Rheon is best known for his role as the Bastard of Bolton. It's gruelling playing a sadistic torturer, he tells Craig McLean, but it hasn't stopped him recording an album of Welsh psychedelia
Morne Hardenberg interview: Cameraman for BBC's upcoming show Shark on filming the ocean's most dangerous predator

It's time for my close-up

Meet the man who films great whites for a living
Increasing numbers of homeless people in America keep their mobile phones on the streets

Homeless people keep mobile phones

A homeless person with a smartphone is a common sight in the US. And that's creating a network where the 'hobo' community can share information - and fight stigma - like never before