In Hoon can we trust any longer?

Share
Related Topics

One of the commonest delusions we suffer from is that we keep up with the news. The fact is that almost all the news bypasses almost all of us.

Don't believe me? Then it's clearly time for another of our little tests!

Here's how it works. I shall offer you four stories from the last week's news coverage, one of which is made up by me. What you have to do is spot it. Ready? Here we go then!

1) Geoff Hoon has proudly taken the credit for a life which was saved during the last Gulf War. And he claims the life was saved precisely because the supply of equipment was so badly organised.

Sergeant Robert Cahoot - the man whose life was saved - readily bears this out.

"I was on manoeuvres two months ago not far from Baghdad when orders came through that I was to take off my body armour and hand it to a colleague who was about to go into one of the worst trouble spots. So I took off my body armour and went to give it to him, 30 yards away. As I was handing it over, a grenade thrown by a dissident landed just where I had been a minute earlier and went off!

"If we had had enough equipment, and we had all had body armour, I would have been hit by the grenade and killed. I can only thank the MoD for being so inefficient. And Mr Hoon, of course."

2) The voting on the recent series of "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!" did not go quite as was reported on TV. After the fourth round, viewers were so fed up with the chirpy Geordie antics of Ant and Dec that more voted for them to be thrown out than any of the celebs. This voting was discounted, and the information suppressed by the TV company, as it would have put them in a bad light.

3) The elderly Earl of Strathgowrie, who has no children, was due to be succeeded when he dies by his nearest of kin, his nephew, the Hon Angus Telfer. Angus emigrated to Australia many years ago and his death was reported from there about four years ago. Cause of death was, it seems, a fatal accident on a golf course.

However, it now turns out that Angus - who had an aversion to inheriting the title or the extensive house and death duties of the earl - had faked his death to escape the inheritance. Not only did he not want the responsibility, he didn't want anyone in Australia to know his noble background, so he took a new name and moved to Perth. But an acquaintance of Angus' from Sydney recognised the "dead" man on a visit to Perth.

Lawyers are still trying to make out if it is illegal to fake your own death if there is no profit motive involved. The elderly earl has no comment to make, as he has been senile for years and has no idea what is going on.

4) A man has been arrested for carrying an empty litter bin on a London Tube train.

Sidney Redlane has been accused of taking the bin to Paddington in order to facilitate an explosion. Ever since litter bins have been banned from certain major London rail termini, in case terrorists left bombs in them, it has been almost impossible to get rid of litter or indeed to conceal a bomb. Redlane agrees that he was taking the bin to Paddington, but says he runs a small stall on the concourse selling fudge and is so appalled by the litter, which he believes drives customers away, that he was taking his own waste paper basket to work. Police, who are instructed to halt all suspicious movement of litter bins on public transport, are working on the theory that the fudge stall may have been set up as a terrorist front.

Well? Did you spot that the story about the fudge stall at Paddington was a load of hooey ? Well done!

Of course, the others were all fabricated as well. But that's modern journalism for you. Honestly, who can you trust these days?

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Customer Accounts Executive

£14000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity for the ...

Recruitment Genius: Team Administrator / Secretary - South East

£14000 - £17000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Full time Administrator/Secreta...

Recruitment Genius: Parts Advisor

£16500 - £18500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: One of the leading Mercedes-Ben...

Recruitment Genius: Software Developer

£27500 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Errors & Omissions: a duchess by any other name is just wrong

Guy Keleny
A teenage girl uses her smartphone in bed.  

Remove smartphones from the hands of under-18s and maybe they will grow up to be less dumb

Janet Street-Porter
Fifa corruption: The 161-page dossier that exposes the organisation's dark heart

The 161-page dossier that exposes Fifa's dark heart

How did a group of corrupt officials turn football’s governing body into what was, in essence, a criminal enterprise? Chris Green and David Connett reveal all
Mediterranean migrant crisis: 'If Europe thinks bombing boats will stop smuggling, it will not. We will defend ourselves,' says Tripoli PM

Exclusive interview with Tripoli PM Khalifa al-Ghweil

'If Europe thinks bombing boats will stop smuggling, it will not. We will defend ourselves'
Raymond Chandler's Los Angeles: How the author foretold the Californian water crisis

Raymond Chandler's Los Angeles

How the author foretold the Californian water crisis
Chinese artist who posted funny image of President Xi Jinping facing five years in prison as authorities crackdown on dissent in the arts

Art attack

Chinese artist who posted funny image of President Xi Jinping facing five years in prison
Marc Jacobs is putting Cher in the limelight as the face of his latest campaign

Cher is the new face of Marc Jacobs

Alexander Fury explains why designers are turning to august stars to front their lines
Parents of six-year-old who beat leukaemia plan to climb Ben Nevis for cancer charity

'I'm climbing Ben Nevis for my daughter'

Karen Attwood's young daughter Yasmin beat cancer. Now her family is about to take on a new challenge - scaling Ben Nevis to help other children
10 best wedding gift ideas

It's that time of year again... 10 best wedding gift ideas

Forget that fancy toaster, we've gone off-list to find memorable gifts that will last a lifetime
Paul Scholes column: With the Premier League over for another year, here are my end of season awards

Paul Scholes column

With the Premier League over for another year, here are my end of season awards
Heysel disaster 30th anniversary: Liverpool have seen too much tragedy to forget fateful day in Belgium

Liverpool have seen too much tragedy to forget Heysel

Thirty years ago, 39 fans waiting to watch a European Cup final died as a result of a fatal cocktail of circumstances. Ian Herbert looks at how a club dealt with this tragedy
Amir Khan vs Chris Algieri: Khan’s audition for Floyd Mayweather may turn into a no-win situation, says Frank Warren

Khan’s audition for Mayweather may turn into a no-win situation

The Bolton fighter could be damned if he dazzles and damned if he doesn’t against Algieri, the man last seen being decked six times by Pacquiao, says Frank Warren
Blundering Tony Blair quits as Middle East peace envoy – only Israel will miss him

Blundering Blair quits as Middle East peace envoy – only Israel will miss him

For Arabs – and for Britons who lost their loved ones in his shambolic war in Iraq – his appointment was an insult, says Robert Fisk
Fifa corruption arrests: All hail the Feds for riding to football's rescue

Fifa corruption arrests

All hail the Feds for riding to football's rescue, says Ian Herbert
Isis in Syria: The Kurdish enclave still resisting the tyranny of President Assad and militant fighters

The Kurdish enclave still resisting the tyranny of Assad and Isis

In Syrian Kurdish cantons along the Turkish border, the progressive aims of the 2011 uprising are being enacted despite the war. Patrick Cockburn returns to Amuda
How I survived Cambodia's Killing Fields: Acclaimed surgeon SreyRam Kuy celebrates her mother's determination to escape the US

How I survived Cambodia's Killing Fields

Acclaimed surgeon SreyRam Kuy celebrates her mother's determination to escape to the US
Stephen Mangan interview: From posh buffoon to pregnant dad, the actor has quite a range

How Stephen Mangan got his range

Posh buffoon, hapless writer, pregnant dad - Mangan is certainly a versatile actor