Iraq's plan for regime change in the UK

Click to follow
The Independent Online

I was rung up the other day by my contact in the Foreign Office. I recognised his hoarse whisper immediately.

I was rung up the other day by my contact in the Foreign Office. I recognised his hoarse whisper immediately.

"Is that you, Sore Throat?" I said.

This is the code name we have agreed on instead of his real name, which is Sir Malcolm or Sir Maurice or something or other..

"It's me," he said. "And have I got a humdinger for you! It's a highly secret document we have found in Iraq, put together by their interim government."

"Go on."

"Well, you know how we endlessly produced reports on Iraq and its possible WMDs and the threat posed by Saddam Hussein etc etc?"


"It never occurred to us they might do the same in reverse. But that's what this is. It's an interim report by the Iraqis on the possible threat posed by Britain to the Middle East and the rest of the world, and on just how solid and durable our regime is."

"We don't have a regime!" I said, shocked. "Only Third World countries have regimes. We are a democracy. We have a government!"

"Whatever," said Sore Throat. "Now, the first thing is their search for weapons of mass destruction.

"Do they actually use the expression, WMD?"

"Yes, but only as an abbreviation for our Woeful Ministry of Defence. I'm afraid they don't reckon our war potential very highly. They see the main threat as what they call the pensions time bomb. As the British population ages, they see the pensions shortfall imploding and bringing destruction."

"To whom?"

"To Blair, of course. For them, he is the enemy who must be brought down. They say he has been in charge of Britain for as long as most people can remember, and the British are now sick of this reviled hate figure."

"Do they actually use that phrase?"

"Not exactly. That's more of a phrase we at the Foreign Office like to use about him. But these Iraqis point out he has various loan holiday homes all round the world to which he can flee at a moment's notice. They stress his vicious treatment of the country's minorities ..."

"Like which?"

"Hold on, I've got the passage. 'Recently, he has determined to exterminate the peaceful fox-hunting community, who for centuries have plied their harmless pursuits in rural backwaters. Ruthlessly, he has rammed through laws to outlaw their way of life, while leaving the equally cruel fishing customs of those still loyal to him, despite his reign of terror.'"

"Reign of terror? Blair?"

"Actually, they see Blunkett more as the hate figure there. He is depicted as an ostensibly benign figure who, in fact, is full of thoughts of retribution, and obsessed with building more and more prisons and putting more and more people inside, to which end he is also inventing more and more offences that can be committed by people."

"Well, to be honest, that's more or less how people see him here."

"But the gist of the report is that they think Blair should be brought down. Given time, this will happen anyway. Britain's old people, repressed and impoverished, will take to the streets. And the Iraqis will do their best to help destabilise the country."

"The Iraqis will be involved in regime change in Britain?"

"Well, not directly involved. Apart from anything else, they realise they have no exit strategy. They say in the report that if Blair is toppled, the country could be in chaos."

"Or ruled by Gordon Brown?"

"I think that's what they mean by 'chaos'. Anyway, if you can leak bits and pieces of this."

"No problem."

"And don't even hint where you got it from."

"I am a journalist, Sore Throat. I know my job."

"Good man."

And with that, he was gone.