It's obvious to everyone that it's an FBI plant

Today – Twenty Things You Never Knew About Marijuana!

1. The patron saint of cannabis-smoking is St Ingroes, an old Celtic saint who is also the patron saint of forgetfulness.

2. Charlie, a British police sniffer-dog active in the 1980s, was the most successful tracer of marijuana of his time, and responsible for over 245 drug hauls.

3. Unfortunately, he grew addicted to the smell of the weed, and was caught raiding bags of evidence being stored for a big trial, which then had to be abandoned. He was arrested on a charge of attempting to pervert the cause of justice – the first dog to be so charged – and sentenced to 40 hours community service, which he carried out by playing with children at a north-London playground.

4. Sadly, old habits die hard, and he was found offering the children small bags of marijuana that he had found buried nearby.

5. Because the plant from which marijuana comes is called hemp, many people have mistakenly tried to smoke hempen rope, made from a distant relative of the same plant. This is ineffective. It is, however, quite legal.

6. Ringo Starr is the only Beatle never to have written a song containing hidden references to marijuana.

7. However, he is believed to have introduced secret references to the weed in his readings of the Thomas the Tank Engine stories, and pot is now often known as "Edward", "Percy", "Clarabelle", etc.

8. The smoking of cannabis has been illegal in many countries, and legal in many other countries, but only in the ancient Mexican kingdom of Quatl was it actually compulsory.

9. The patron saint of cannabis-smoking is St Ingroes, an old Celtic saint who is also the patron saint of forgetfulness.

10. Or have I said that already?

11. There are three countries in the world that feature cannabis plants in their coats of arms.

12. One of them is Colombia.

13. The other two don't know that they have cannabis plants in their coats of arms, because they were planted there, clandestinely, by Colombia.

14. Cannabis leaves can be pulped and turned into a rough kind of paper, which for a time was very popular in California in the 1960s for printing underground magazines on. Unfortunately, most of the copies were rolled up and smoked, and very few survive.

15. In 1987, the British government established a secret research station to investigate claims that smoking cannabis could alleviate certain medical conditions. Since then, the research station has secretly moved address several times, for "security" reasons, and the Government no longer knows where it is, though funds are still regularly withdrawn to further the research. If anyone knows where it is, the Government would like to hear from you.

16. The only place in Europe where it is legal to grow cannabis is at the Dutch National Open Air Drug Museum, where you can also find garden displays of opium poppy, coca plants, etc. It is said to be the most heavily guarded museum in the world.

17. Most violinists use ordinary rosin on their bows, but Yehudi Menuhin always used a small block of cannabis resin to season his bow. He said the faint whiff inspired him, and that he heard Mozart as pale green.

18. The patron saint – no, I've done that one.

19. Documents recently found in the Iraqi Foreign Ministry suggest that George Galloway was at the head of a multimillion-pound drug-smuggling industry that brought dope in from Afghanistan – no, hang on, they're forgeries planted by the FBI. Sorry about that. No offence, George.

20. Arthur Digby-Cunningham is the only man to have been charged under British law with conspiring to cause a nuisance by planting cannabis. Digby-Cunningham took delight in sowing cannabis seeds and planting cannabis plants in places where they would cause maximum embarrassment – in glasshouses at Kew, in cabinet ministers' gardens, in window boxes around Parliament, and, especially, in flower-beds behind those ramps on motorways marked "For Police Cars Only". When finally caught, it was clear that he hadn't planted them for his own profit or use, so it was hard to find a relevant charge. His defence, that he planted for satirical purposes, was accepted, and he was found not guilty.