Just nip out and buy a paper

Share
Related Topics

Today is everyone's last chance to buy The Daily Telegraph, and so many readers have written to me asking how they should go about it, that today I am bringing you a little guide to the ins and outs of buying a major newspaper.

Q. Why, actually, should anyone want to buy The Daily Telegraph?

A. To get a peerage. All the previous owners got peerages, whether they wanted one or not, and in Conrad Black's case he wanted it so much that he changed his nationality.

Q. Why, actually, would anyone want a peerage?

A. To get a table reservation at posh restaurants. To get to meet Melvyn Bragg and John Birt and Jeffrey Archer. To be able to introduce people into the Commons who could throw purple powder at the Prime Minister...

Q. Why, actually, would anyone want to throw purple powder at the Prime Minister?

A. Because now that more and more papers have colour printing, a photograph of the PM in a purple haze is more likely to be printed in the Telegraph and other papers than if he had been bombarded with flour or pepper.

Q. No, what I meant was - well, never mind. Are there any other advantages in buying The Daily Telegraph, apart from getting a peerage?

A. Well, you will also get The Spectator and The Jerusalem Post.

Q. What will that do for me?

A. It will give you a chance to meet Boris Johnson.

Q. What if I don't want to meet him?

A. Stick to running The Daily Telegraph.

Q. How would I do that?

A. You would have to appoint an editor and then say: "I leave all editorial policy in this man's hands, and will exert no influence on him at all."

Q. And then?

A. You will take your editor on one side and tell him exactly what to do and make sure he does it.

Q. Why?

A. Because owning a paper is all about power and influence. Think of Rupert Murdoch.

Q. Why hasn't Murdoch got a peerage?

A. Because he has changed his nationality to American to avoid being offered one. But if you own the Telegraph, you will have the chance to exert immense power. Think of Berlusconi, whose media power led to him being boss of Italy.

Q, What happens if I think of Boris Johnson, whose media power led him to becoming Tory shadow arts minister?

A. Do not think of Boris Johnson. He is a rogue comet, whose motion obeys no know scientific laws.

Q. Well, what about the Telegraph's circulation? Should I try to get some sex and violence into the Telegraph?

A. God bless your little cotton socks, that's been happening for years. The Daily Telegraph reports sex and revenge cases from the courts in more lubricious detail than even the Law Society Journal. Even better if they involve an erring Army officer. Sex? You'd be amazed how many fashion spreads the Telegraph commissions, with very skimpy lingerie and see-through summer clothes, and bikinis, all worn by the most mouth-watering models...

Q. How much will it cost me to buy The Daily Telegraph?

A. More than you can possibly afford, I'm afraid. You will have to sell lots of your other papers to raise the money.

Q. What if I haven't got any other papers to sell?

A. If you haven't got any papers to sell, you are a time-waster! Nobody ever buys a newspaper unless he already has far more than he needs in Canada or America or Germany or somewhere! Hollinger would never take you seriously.

Q. Who's Hollinger?

A. My God, you are a time-waster! This interview is now concluded.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

English Teacher

£22000 - £36000 per annum: Randstad Education Leeds: Secondary English Teacher...

Content Manager - Central London

£35000 - £40000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: Content Manager - Central...

General Cover Teacher - Grimsby

Negotiable: Randstad Education Hull: Qualified Teachers needed for Supply in t...

English Teacher Urgently Required - Secure Unit - Nottingham

£100 - £161 per day: Randstad Education Nottingham: Are you a fully qualified ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Richard Dawkins  

Richard Dawkins is wrong to suggest that there can be varying degrees of severity involved in rape

Sian Norris
 

Fist bumps will never replace the handshake - we're just not cool enough

Jessica Brown Jessica Brown
The children were playing in the street with toy guns. The air strikes were tragically real

The air strikes were tragically real

The children were playing in the street with toy guns
Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite – The British, as others see us

Britain as others see us

Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite
Countries that don’t survey their tigers risk losing them altogether

Countries that don’t survey their tigers risk losing them

Jonathon Porritt sounds the alarm
How did our legends really begin?

How did our legends really begin?

Applying the theory of evolution to the world's many mythologies
Watch out: Lambrusco is back on the menu

Lambrusco is back on the menu

Naff Seventies corner-shop staple is this year's Aperol Spritz
A new Russian revolution: Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc

A new Russian revolution

Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc
Eugene de Kock: Apartheid’s sadistic killer that his country cannot forgive

Apartheid’s sadistic killer that his country cannot forgive

The debate rages in South Africa over whether Eugene de Kock should ever be released from jail
Standing my ground: If sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?

Standing my ground

If sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?
Commonwealth Games 2014: Dai Greene prays for chance to rebuild after injury agony

Greene prays for chance to rebuild after injury agony

Welsh hurdler was World, European and Commonwealth champion, but then the injuries crept in
Israel-Gaza conflict: Secret report helps Israelis to hide facts

Patrick Cockburn: Secret report helps Israel to hide facts

The slickness of Israel's spokesmen is rooted in directions set down by pollster Frank Luntz
The man who dared to go on holiday

The man who dared to go on holiday

New York's mayor has taken a vacation - in a nation that has still to enforce paid leave, it caused quite a stir, reports Rupert Cornwell
Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business, from Sarah Millican to Marcus Brigstocke

Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business

For all those wanting to know how stand-ups keep standing, here are some of the best moments
The Guest List 2014: Forget the Man Booker longlist, Literary Editor Katy Guest offers her alternative picks

The Guest List 2014

Forget the Man Booker longlist, Literary Editor Katy Guest offers her alternative picks
Jokes on Hollywood: 'With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on'

Jokes on Hollywood

With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on