Manners in the morning

'We have found a natural predisposition to indulge in the niceties of conversation, no matter how urgent the topic seems to be'

You may not have heard Today on Radio 4 this morning. You may not have heard Today on Radio 4 yesterday morning. You may never have heard Today on Radio 4 on any morning. Well, that doesn't matter, because after today you will never have to listen to Today on Radio 4 again for the rest of your life.

This is because I have been feeding as many editions of the programme as I can into the mighty Independent computer and instructing it to come up with an amalgam which will do as a substitute on any day when you may have missed it.

Here is what it gave me.

"Well, we've got Professor Leighton on the line, and I gather you have isolated a gene that conditions people to say 'Good morning', no matter what the question is that they've been asked – is that right, Professor?"

"Good morning."

"Good morning, Professor."

"That's right. We have found a natural predisposition to indulge in the niceties of conversation, no matter how urgent the topic seems to be, in the same way that there is a gene that makes programme presenters exchange a laboured joke with the weather forecaster, even when time is at a premium and there is no space for a joke."

"I see. And how many years do you think it will take to come up with a cure?"

"We can't set a time scale on this."

"Well, perhaps we'll hear from you again when you have, and now it's time for the sports news, Gary?"

"Good morning, James."

"Good morning, Gary."

"Well, as it's 7.25 in the morning there isn't actually any sports news yet, same old story, so as usual we'll get a football chairman on the line and ask him how he thinks the match will go. Steve Mason, you'll be meeting Galatasaray in 24 hours' time. How do you think the match will go?"

"Good morning, Gary."

"Good morning, Steve."

"Well, we've got a lot of respect for Galatasaray as a team..."

"I'm going to have to stop you there, Steve. Thanks for coming on the programme."

"Thanks, Gary. Always nice to talk to you."

"And now more about that awful explosion last night. We're going straight over to Miriam Webster, who was there when it happened. Miriam, what exactly happened?"

"Good morning. Well, it's a little too early to tell yet."

"And what do you think the result will be? It's not going to make things any easier, is it?"

"No. This is exactly what they didn't want. It's going to make things a lot harder."

"And in the long term?"

"Well, things had been looking hopeful before the explosion, so we just have to hope that we can get back there again."

"Thanks, Miriam. Now, as promised, we can go straight to Jack Straw at Heathrow."

"Good morning, James."

"Good morning, Minister. That was Jack Straw, live from Heathrow. He is due to fly out today to join the conference at Manila. One of the people who won't be there is the Pope. Now nearly 100, and stricken by Parkinson's disease, the Pope should, in many people's opinions, abdicate and let Prince Charles take over. It is a miracle that he carries on at all. But is that all part of the plan? Is the Pope, mindful of how long it takes to be declared a saint, trying to engineer a miracle before he dies? One man who knows all about this is the Catholic historian Robert Salinas. So, what's the verdict, Mr Salinas? Fraud, or saint?"

"Good morning. Well, it's not quite as simple as that."

"Thank you, Mr Salinas. And now something rather peculiar. Apparently in the Hebrides they've found something living which they thought had died out a million years ago. No, it's not a Scottish Conservative MP. It's a rare moth that feeds on seaweed and can swim underwater. It has a wing span of 4in and a basic speed of two knots. It was found by 74-year-old Hamish McBride, who's on the line now. Mr McBride, a moth that swims underwater – won't its wings get a bit wet?"

"Good morning to ye."

"Good morning."

"I'm sorry – I didna' hear the question..."

"And that's all we have time for as we come up to eight o'clock. After the news, more on that train crash, and an exclusive interview with Jack Straw as he goes through customs. Now, the weather with Philip Avery, and let's hope it's Avery nice day!"

"Good morning, James."

"Good morning."