Marriage falling apart? No problem!

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The Independent Online

An agony column today, but with a difference, as all your emotional problems are being dealt with not by a psychiatrist, but by someone who knows about life: a genuine London street trader.

An agony column today, but with a difference, as all your emotional problems are being dealt with not by a psychiatrist, but by someone who knows about life: a genuine London street trader.

All yours, Len!

Dear Len, I'm male and 23. I am desperate to attract girls, but don't know how to go about it. Please help.

Len writes: Know what girls like? I'll tell you what girls like. They like being looked after. Know the best way to look after a girl? Give her a lovely meal. I don't mean take her out to a fancy restaurant. I mean entertain her in your own lovely home, and cook her a lovely meal. Know the best way to get a lovely meal ready? Have the proper tools, that's how. For instance, this amazing knife I've got here which not only slices, and shreds, but also grates. Watch this cucumber - go on, watch it. Look at them slices! Ever seen slices that thin? Course you haven't. These magic knives are only £15 each. How many would you like? What? Well, suit yourself. Time-waster. Next!

Dear Len,

I have been happily married for 20 years, and unhappily married for 10 years, all to the same woman. It was about 10 years ago that the lustre started to go out of my marriage, perhaps because of the demands of my job (I am a TV executive, who was much talked of at one time as a future head of Channel 4), and now we are drifting apart.

Meanwhile I have fallen very much in love with my personal assistant, who, although she is years younger than I am, wishes very much to have my children. However, I am getting near retirement age, and am not sure if she would look so kindly upon me once I have left my post as a high-powered exec and become a middle-aged man shuffling round the home in an old pair of bedroom slippers.

What do you think?

Len writes: What do I think? I'll tell you what I think. What I think is, you need a new pair of bedroom slippers, squire! Nothing less sexy than a worn old pair! And as luck would have it, I have a fresh load of slippers in at this very moment, £10 pair, or three pairs for £20, in all colours, mostly red, I tell a lie, they're all red, very fashionable colour for slippers, go on, squire, feel them, soft aren't they? Tell you what, £15 for three and that's my last offer. Thanks, pal. Any interest in a magic veg knife? No? Fair enough.


Dear Len,

Unbeknown to my wife, I am bisexual, and I have recently been seeing a new boyfriend. We had a love-making session recently, during which I was foolish enough to take some photographs. Before I could hide the film my wife found it and took it to be developed in town. She is due to collect the film tomorrow - unless, of course, the chemist gets in touch first! What on earth am I to do?

Len writes: You don't want to mess around with old-fashioned film, mate. That's yesterday's lark. What you need is a bang up to-the-minute digital camera - and by an amazing chance I happen to have some here, fresh in, unbelievably cheap, only £30 each. Did I say £30? Make that £25. No, you're in trouble, mate, you need cheering up, make it £20. There you go. Magic veg knife? No? OK, squire. Yes, you, madam, are you next?

Dear Len,

I have just heard that my family have been involved in a terrible car accident, with many dead. How do I start to come to terms with this?

Len writes: You owe it to your loved ones to give them a proper send-off, with a great wake, loads of beer and the best possible cucumber sandwiches. Now, normally it's a terrible chore to get all that cucumber cut, but when you've got a magic veg knife, all your problems are over - I mean, look at this cucumber. Right? Now watch this. See how quick it is? Hold on - I've just heard from a close friend that the boys in blue are about to come round that corner, so I'm going to make myself scarce for a moment, but hang around and you'll get the best fruit and veg knife in the world in a moment.

Len will be back again when the coast is clear.