Miles Kington: The day I turned the doc on to rubber gloves

'When you think they are going to be hell to remove, they come off very fast and my arms shoot sideways'

I am very glad to be able to announce a return visit from Dr Wordsmith, the man who keeps an eagle eye on all changes in the English language, and who has undoubtedly done for lexicography what Dylan Thomas did for poetry: ie run up a bar tab in more pubs than you can shake a stick at, while listening to the language rolling round him. He has returned to our offices while en route from his favourite pub, the Printer's Widow, to his favourite bar, the Marquess of Granby, so let's have those queries, please!

Dear Dr Wordsmith: How can they both be your favourite drinking places?

Dr Wordsmith writes: Easily. My favourite drinking place is the one I happen to be in at any one time.

Dear Dr Wordsmith: Shouldn't the name of the pub be the Marquis of Granby, not the Marquess of Granby? Incidentally, what IS the difference between a marquis and a marquess? And where is Granby, anyway?

Dr Wordsmith writes: I am not a cheap information service, I am a fount of knowledge about the English language. If you want cheap information, you should look it up yourself. However, an expert should never miss the chance to show off his knowledge, and as I happen to have a dictionary handy, I can tell you that marquis and marquess are different spellings of the same word. Granby, I believe, is a small village in Nottinghamshire, too small to warrant the presence of a marquis. But there you are – when did anyone last come across a noblemen who actually lived in the place whose name he bears in his title? The Duke of Devonshire skulks in Derbyshire, while the Duke of Norfolk hails from the Arundel area. There should be a word meaning "a person who lives where his title says he should".

Dear Dr Wordsmith, What about "Lord Archer of Weston-super-Mare"?

Dr Wordsmith writes: That is different. Archer was given one of these modern, cut-price, synthetic titles that the recipient always uses nostalgically to honour a place he left 50 years ago, and that he couldn't wait to get out of.

Dear Dr Wordsmith: If I may change the subject...

Dr Wordsmith writes: I wish you would...

Dear Dr Wordsmith: I have been advised by my doctor to wear rubber gloves while doing the washing up because I have a skin ailment, and I have noticed that it is very difficult to remove these gloves at a sensible speed. Sometimes when you think they are going to be hell to remove, they come off very fast, and my arms are taken by surprise and shoot sideways and knock people over or break things or shatter fridge magnets that have been carefully brought back from a holiday in Egypt... is there a word for this unfortunate consequence of wearing gloves?

Dr Wordsmith writes: Not as far as I know. Next!

Dear Dr Wordsmith: Another thing that often happens in the kitchen is the act of picking up a thing by the lid which you think is securely fastened and finding halfway through your journey that it's not. Like when you pick up a ketchup bottle by the top and it's not screwed on, or when you get the salt shaker AND all the contents fall on your food because some idiot didn't screw it tight! Is there a word for this?

Dr Wordsmith writes: Not as far as I know. Next!

Dear Dr Wordsmith: Is there a word to describe...

Dr Wordsmith writes: Not as far as I know. Next!

Dear Dr Wordsmith: Although champagne is made only in the north of France and there are squads of lawyers ready to jump on you were you to suggest otherwise, I have often thought it very odd that so many of the famous makers of champagne have not French but German names. I can think of Mumm, and Louis Roederer, and Heidsieck, and Taittinger, and...

Dr Wordsmith writes: Yes, you are right. How extraordinary! More research needs to be done into this – in fact, I suddenly feel a tremendous thirst for knowledge, and in five minutes I shall be in the Marquess of Granby scanning the labels. See you there, perhaps...

Dr Wordsmith will be back soon. Keep those queries rolling in!