Miles Kington: A Bank Holiday experience that ends in divorce

Thanks to SatNav, a machine can now take you to your destination through the most traffic jams, cul-de-sacs and impassible fords

Not sure what to do or where to go this Spring Bank Holiday Monday? Be unsure no longer! Just choose one of the following mouth-watering, off-the-beaten-track, surefire, crackerjack holiday attractions!

The NHS Reject Shop

This huge shopping complex on the outskirts of Swindon offers for sale a host of items surplus to requirement in hospitals throughout Britain. Everything from furniture and scanners to hardly out-of-date pills and disillusioned nurses. Vast queues form, so get there early. You could try making an appointment, but they are seldom kept on time.

Sofaworld

The sofa has long been at the centre of British life. We get bottle fed on it as babies, we have our first kiss there as teenagers, and we are left there for the evening as oldies, parked in front of the telly. But Sofaworld is the first ever museum devoted to this lynchpin of British domestic life, featuring the largest sofa ever made (fits 10 people!) as well as the smallest, and a fun section called "Fifty Things we Bet You Never Thought Could be Done on a Sofa!". This afternoon, Sofa Snogathon at 2.30 pm. Near Princes Risborough.

British Cliché Museum

This ever-dependable attraction is the place to go if, when reading the previous paragraph, you said to yourself, "I wonder what a lynchpin actually is ...?" The British Cliché Museum always has on display such vital things as linchpins (correct spelling), pikestaffs, tinder boxes, brass monkeys, etc, etc. Children can have hours of fun testing old sayings: ie taking a horse to water and trying to get it to drink, getting into teams of cooks to make broth, making purses out of genuine sow's ears, etc etc.

Desert Island Jukebox

Simon and Jasper Bathwaite had the bright idea of creating a vast jukebox installation containing all the records ever requested on Desert Island Discs. "We had amassed a vast collection of junk records over the years," says Jasper, "and then realised that the people who go on Desert Island Discs generally choose junk music, most of which we had already got. Bingo!" The idea is that you can actually listen to your favourite celebrities' choices all the way through, a thing never known on the actual programme. Exit 23, M5.

The Sealed Flask

This ever-popular demonstration team recreates ancient maladies in the same way the Sealed Knot recreates historic battles. This afternoon The Sealed Flask will be in Windsor Great Park doing a vivid reenactment of fashionable 19th-century female complaints - fainting fits, the vapours, consumption, dropsy, etc. Smelling salts will be on sale. Bring your own laudanum.

SatNav Centre

SatNav (short for satellite navigation) has replaced map reading (which supposedly women are bad at) and asking people for directions (which men are traditionally even worse at). Thanks to SatNav, a machine can now tell you the route to your destination which takes you through the most traffic jams, cul-de-sacs and impassable fords. For most SatNav addicts, the thrill is not in arriving or even getting there but in taking the journey 100 yards at a time. The SatNav Centre is not far from off - well, you work it out.

The Divorce Experience

Considering Britain has one of the highest divorce rates in Europe, it is surprising no one has thought of opening an exhibition centre before, where we can compare experiences. "Divorce is constantly expanding and changing," says Divorce Experience boss Rose Wildchat, who started it with her husband Lionel Wildchat before things went pear-shaped between them. "In the last week or so we have seen divorce reach the House of Lords - and then came Paul McCartney's announcement! No wonder we have adapted that Beatles song as our anthem this week... 'Lady McCARTNEY, children at your feet/Wonder how you manage to make ends meet...?' "